i enjoyed it as well
breaking down of the sentences so that we could savor
the reading so it would lastlonger on the minds....other than that i think it can and do stand on its own(with me it is always interesting to see what else can be said or done with the same words) sometimes i mixed two pieces together so it would be interesting to see what another person could bring to this

*it does has enuf grace and beauty to stand alone

The last two lines have impact and bring this poetic, imaginative 'commentary' to the sort of close that will linger...

Now... since you asked, Chanti, I would delete the 2nd line. I tend not to presume to interfere with someone elses creative process but if you sincerely wish to know, that's a change I would make. (You're very brave... grin).

I reiterate, though, this is a "feast" for the head. katy xox.

I think you did a fantastic job with this! ~Z~

Roundly impressive work.

Since you asked, here's one penny of my two cents.
Change lines 3 and 4 to
Each mouthful taken sensuously
and eaten with passion

Well penned and well tought

Well I would sure consider it poetry.
Or at least I guess that's what I write.
I think it's quite beautiful.

it is great as is although the change paul suggested does read more smoothly. i enjoyed this a lot just as you wrote it though

I like Tami's suggestion for the first line, and I totally agree
with Ant on the last line.

All in all, a beautiful piece, deserving to be served all by itself,
with no help from anyone else.

This is a poetic banquet, Chanti; and very flavorful, too.

Well done, Chanti.

Love your outlook on life.

This is so true Chanti!!

This is one great poem...and I cannot see any reason to inrich it!!

Love Tinka

Chanti, I will tell you pretty much what I tell all that ask for help in developing a poem or story...Has what you written so far satisfied your "hunger" for this particular poem...? Or do you feel an urge to continue in your quest for more poetic "meat"...? It is YOU that ultimately makes the decision as to how good or bad or how long or short a poem has to be...so far with this I am made to be hungry, so I would assume I got something out of it, but then again ANY free food & I am up and ready to eat...! LOL! Peace, Ed & Rufuz

Chanti,
I might change to opening line to read:
Life should be savoured
as a gourmet delicacy...

Also, you might incorporate a few more "food" words such as:
tidbits, morsels, and such.

Hugs,
Tami

I have come to expect wisdom and teaching from you and you, once again, do not disappoint. Love. Regis

i see you write and listen well ;)

I see no place for corrections, Chanti, this is perfect and your message addressed completely and clearly. Nice job. I agree with your friend, this stands alone on its own merit.
Take care,
Sherry

You have done an excellant job chanti and the only suggestiong I might add is when youend it with there is no second course perhaps the second course could be what awaits us on the other side as our dessert. As we say though it is a matter of taste, and your ending is just as applicable.

Great stuff,
Felix

This is a mouth full of pure joy. Excuse me while I lick my fingers and applaud:-)

This is superb and it does stand on its own as your friend said.It is a gourmet feast with a wisdom message. The only thing I would change is the placement removing the &:


each mouthful taken sensuously

eaten with passion

Life is bitter sweet and not always kind to the palette...but this is very pleasing be it a collection of thoughts or not. I don't know if 'gulped' quite works, may I suggest swollowed...I personaly would drop the second life and change the wording slightly so it read

'but unlike dinning
offers no second courses.'

That's just me though, This is a fine piece of work Chanti (chuck)...
and rightly stands on it's own as a poem.

That small wriggly creature, nunu aka Paul;-}

I agree this stands on its own and it is a lot like that beautiful still life you have in the background.

I was savoring this morsel of a poem (so true, so true)until the last line. More explanation, please? If it means what I think it means, I'm going to cry! It has too! I know that at the moment I'm just too obtuse to catch your meaning...

I think you are right. This is a collection of thoughts and you penned them well.

I would not presume (though I have asked the same of others here)to offer changes...I learn every day. Like Ed told me, he just knows what he likes. Thats me as well. If it moves me, or makes me think, or to see our lives from another angle, then to me, it is good. This poem is very good, and I thought, creative.

It is good, no doubt about it, a few changes would make it even more interesting. I have always tried to write free-style with an eye for staying away from the "just one long sentence broken into many lines" way so many write. To me, if you are capable of breaking up the "long sentence" trap and make the poem a collabration of disjointed lines that nonetheless carry the message, then you have a fine poem. I hope I articulated my view coherently.

A wonderful delicious feast you have prepared for us Chanti! Might I suggest a slight change?

Replace 'turned away with distaste', with 'rejected in distaste' to clarify the point that life should not be held in low esteem, but we should celebrate the sanctity of it.

Love the last line!