I woke up of a sudden, wasn’t sure about that light,

Everything was bright and the furnishings all white,

Then an angel approached, and taking my hand,

“Welcome to heaven, from earth you’ve been banned.

In a moment you’ll meet your friends and relations,

And folks that only shared drinks and libations.”

I looked around and there stood my mother,

Holding hands with my long departed brother,

With Father, tall and looking over their head.

They all smiled, “Well, we’re glad you’re dead.

We’ve waited for years to read a riot act to you,

For those things you did that we told you not to.

For example, You played the ponies, strayed …”

I turned to get away, but wished I’d stayed,

For who comes up but my old girl friend, Jane,

And her significant other, a guy named Dwayne.

He said, “I really don’t like what you done, you lout,”

So I moved away real quiet, then circled about.

As I looked all around there was Miss Susie,

She was the one my first wife had called floozy,

And sure enough, Ellie Mae, my very first spouse,

A stick in her hand, stared at me and yelled, “Louse!”

But her sights were on Susie, and she flew on past,

So I wheeled and ran, got away from there fast.

But I stumbled and fell to my knees on the cloud,

When my old dog, Bobsey, started barking real loud.

There he was, my pal from long ago,

Licking my face and wagging his tail so,

But all of a sudden old Jonsey started a fray,

He was my dog after Bobsey went away.

He didn’t like Bobsey licking me in the face,

So he nailed Bobsey in a very private place,

And the two of them went round and round,

Jealousy just a poppin’ with an awful sound,

Growlin’ and yowlin’ and fightin’ like hell,

Would’ve ended quick but my hound dog Bell,

Showed up and dove in with teeth all a flashin’

Bit ‘em both before they knew he was slashin’.     

I grabbed Bell and Jonsey, Bobsey I kicked,

 Felt real bad ‘cause my face he’d just licked,

And just about the time I had the dogs all quiet,

Another girl grabbed me, and she wasn’t on her diet.

I think her name was Betty, but I can’t be real sure,

All I remember about her was she acted real pure,

“You bastard, I knew I’d get you if it took forever!”

I do remember tellin’ her I’d leave her never.  

Lord! She whacked me and rolled me on the cloud,

Then she sat on me ‘n the dogs, they howled so loud.

I managed to squirm free and shinnied out of sight,

Left the poor damn dogs in a hell of a plight.

But I wasn’t gonna stay there and get my a** beat.

I just shagged on around and made my retreat.

But who’d I run into but that angel with the wings,

‘You ma’am, I need to straighten out some things!

There’s a lot more relations and friends that I had

More dogs and cats, and everybody was mad.

Mostly all I did was have a good time and laugh,

 My life took a bit more’n six decades and a half.

But now we’ve done come upon a bad situation

It’s all compressed, every wife, and infatuation,  

Every dog and cat I ever had for a pet,

Wouldn’t surprise me none if they brought their vet,

Nobody liked each other and most don’t like me,

You couldn’t make ‘em peaceful if you paid ‘em a fee.

I like your place here but my heart’s not in it, 

You see what’s happened in not more’n a minute.

Pretty soon now they’ll all be comin’ after me,

And beatin’ and maimin’ unmercifully. 

If I’m banned from earth, you gotta send me below,

For this is gonna be hell and I’ll have no place to go.