*April 27/29, 2003.

I originally meant for this to be a song and perhaps it still could be what do you all think?
For those of you who have been following my poems on the den you'll see that this one is getting closer to the "core" so-to-speak of the problem as many of you have pointed out.
This is a long one.

(refrain)
I've come full circle
back to where I was four years ago
the same inner feelings
fermented by time
have yielded a deadly mull
and now I'm in its amber glow,
confronting my inner being
and the hell my life has become.

(verses)
Jeff told me then
I would regret it later.
Zina gave me the third dgree
for dating her in the first place.
Now that woman's my wife
and I hate my life.

(refrain)

I neglected my friends
and lost some too.
I tuned out the critics
of religious appeal.
I went all or nothing lost
for a girl worth any cost.

(refrain)

You know what they say
about things too good to be true . . .
I thought I knew what I was doing
but it turns out I had no clue.
She wasn't what I thought
and problems are all I've got.

While we were dating (still)
she hid it from me very well--
the depression the grips her,
yeilding her worthless and morose.
Her mother told me about the depression
but, before marriage, there was no expression.

I changed my religion
shunned what I'd been taught,
my old friends and colleagues
shunned me in cruel return.
I took it in stride then
viewing the kingdon of God above men.

(refrain)

I have since realized
that it was all for her instead
of doing it for myself.
I realized this a little too late
and now I'm a lost man
wishing away religion as fast as I can.

We're like the same side of a magnet
instead of attracting each other
we're pushing each other away,
further and further into depression.
I'm supposed to help her mental health
when I can't even help myself.

I need someone who can help me up,
who can spur me on at times--
a person who helps me out at home
instead of dirtying the house even worse.
If I don't do it it doesn't get done,
is the only way I see it at home.

(refrain)

My whole family loves her
for she is nice when she's well
But unfortunately for me, it seems,
she expends all her "well" strength outside
leaving me to deal with her depressed
and more oftem than not stressed.

She stresses out over nothing
and then doesn't over "real" things.
She tells herself she's going to hell
for the smallest little things.
The roller coaster is hard to take,
riding the wrath of an emotional wake.

(refrain)

I was warned but I rejected
all the warnings that I was given.
I deceived myself to believe my lie
and I'm paying the price for it now.
Sometimes I wish we had never met
for then, I would not be in this predicament.

(refrain)
I've come full circle
back to where I was four years ago
the same inner feelings
fermented by time.
I write this little chronicle
with regret and emotional sorrow
that I did not heed the warnings
for the hell my life would become.