“Just The Facts, Ma’am!” - Those were the trademark words, so often spoken by Sergeant Joe Friday, played by actor, Jack Webb, on the old TV series ‘Dragnet.’
Dum-De-Dum-Dum- Dum-De-Dum-Dum - Dum-De-Dum-Dum-DAH!
That was how the theme song went.
This is a True Story. The names of persons, places and events herein have been changed to protect the Innocent - ME!
- STORYLINE -
It was Five past Eight last evening -
When the phone rang -
It was my Partner, Lady P -
“Did you forget me?”
“No - I was just about to leave -
To come over your place.
Did you bring me Dinner? No?
Okay - I’ll think of something.”
Grabbed a big can of Campbell’s tomato soup -
From the cabinet shelf, stuffed it in a plastic bag -
Added a bag of cheese crackers -
And a small can of tuna-fish salad.
Then, as an after-thought -
Threw in an old VHS movie I had just bought.
‘Dinner for Two’ and a good movie -
That’ll Work!
Into my trusty steed ‘Silver’ -
And away we went!
It was Eight Fifteen when we arrived -
At Lady P’s !
The side door to the kitchen was wide open - as Usual -
Have often warned her about this!
As I entered the premises, the phone rang -
LOUDLY! One -Two -Three times!
Gingerly placing the aforementioned bag -
On the kitchen table - ambled through the living room -
Down the hall, and towards her bedroom.
Stealth - an important trait for any Detective worth his salt!
With the phone plastered to her ear -
She was pre-occupied, and hadn’t heard me enter -
As Usual! She was hurriedly coming towards the doorway -
And we almost bumped heads - she was Surprised - as Usual!
“OH! You Scared me!”
A quick ‘peck’ on the lips, and off she went -
Looking for something. Who was on the phone?
Her best friend ‘P’? her daughter ‘D’?
I dun’no! Returning to the kitchen -
Removed appropriate items from the overhead cabinet -
My special clear glass mug - Check!
Instant coffee -creamer- sugar - Check - check - Check!
Filled the cup with water from the tap -
Nuked it for One-point-two-three minutes -
Added ingredients - and sat down to work on -
My cross-word puzzle - a long conversation was in process!
When she finally was ending the gab -
I had figured out who was on the other end -
Leaned into the phone ear and hollered -
“How You Doin’ Doll?”
I was right - ‘twas the Daughter.
As the contents were removed from the bag -
The questions started flowing - “Tomato soup?
Cheese crackers? Don’t you want Saltines?”
“No - I’d rather do it My Way!”
As I relayed the events of the past two days -
More questions -more interruptions - as Usual!
She busied herself preparing the soup.
After nuking - and testing - not hot enough!
Back into the nuker!
Before separating into two bowls - I asked:
“I like to add some ‘stuff’ - do you?”
The soup was quickly separated!
Garlic salt - fresh ground pepper - a dash of celery seed -
Check - three times! Now - fill the bowl -
To the brim with little square cheese crackers!
VOILA!
“You’re Nuts!” She exclaimed -
As she added her mundane Saltines!
Stir -Stir - Boil -Bubble - Toil and Trouble!
AAAAAAH! Perfect!
More details of recent events were mumbled by me -
As I joyously garbled my soup - and words -
“Huh? What? I can’t understand you!”
“Sorry - but I’m hungry!”
Oh - almost forgot - Dessert was in the bag also!
Nice, Rock-Hard Marshmallow ‘Peeps’ -
Left-Over’s from Easter!
She had thrown hers away! Good! More for Me!
She made herself a ‘High-Ball’ in a tall glass -
‘Seven - and - Seven’ is her Fav - as Usual -
Then, poured me a half-glass of Pepsi.
Down into the bowels of the basement Den we submerged.
As she returned upstairs to get something she forgot - as Usual -
I lit two aromatic candles, and relaxed on the sofa.
Upon her return, I picked up the movie box and showed her -
It was an old movie, with John Travolta - “A Civil Action.”
Inserted the video tape into the ‘machine’ -
Which, by the way - is a fancy-smanchy Duplex -
That does both VHS and DVD.
Back to the sofa, and the myriad of wireless Remotes!
First - Samsung TV ON - Check!
Then, JV VCR/DVD - Check!
Pressed PLAY - NOTHING!
“Damn-it, I can’t see the damned little buttons!”
After suggesting that ‘someday’ we install a ceiling light -
Over the sofa - or, maybe - “Do you have a flash-light down here?”
I quickly remembered that my new cigarette lighter -
Did, in fact, have a separate little blue Light - VOILA1
As I scanned all the damned buttons -
Finally found IT - the TV/VCR button -
YAY! The screen lit up, and the movie started!
But wait - what is this?
A fine-looking young woman in a black negligee was dancing!
OH! I figured that the tape had not been re-wound -
Lighter light again - pressed REW -
Nothing - it continued playing, and a Title appeared -
“BLUE DESIRES”
It was a PORN FLICK!
“O-MY-GOD!” I said, as I quickly picked up the empty box!
“I never checked inside! I bought five videos - and didn’t check!”
Well naturally, being a suspicious woman - as Usual -
Lady P did not believe me!
“You thought you could fool me - and Get Lucky!”
“Typical Man! Always thinking of SEX!”
“Hon - I’m telling you the truth!”
“I really wanted to see this movie - Look -
William C. Macy - John Lithgow - and more Stars ...”
“Damn - Damn - Damn! I’m disappointed!”
The movie is about a Murder - a Trial -
I thought the woman dancing was a Flash-Back or something!
“Yeah - Yeah - Yeah!” she said.
Oh well - “Nothing ventured, nothing gained” - Right?
The first scene involved a beautiful young THANG -
And a guy hung like a HORSE!
“OH-MY-GOD!” She gasped!
I started massaging her shoulders - as Usual ...
Well - I gotta tell you -
Some people Smoke During Sex -
But that’s just due to - Friction!
We’re ‘Normal’ - Smoke AFTER!
Anyways - we missed Most of the movie -
Kind of like making our own - STAG FILM -
Afterwards - as we ‘lit up’ - I suggested that maybe -
I should buy a Mini-Cam and we could make a Fortune!
“Who would want to watch Old Farts like us?”
She offered. “Good Point” I replied!
As we sat enraptured in each others arms -
The ‘Skin-Flick’ finally ended!
I couldn’t find the right ‘Eject’ button -
On the numerous Remotes, so I picked up the box -
Walked to the ‘machine’ and hit the button thereon -
OH - WHAT A SURPRISE I GOT!
The tray on the Right side of the JVC opened up -
Revealing a DVD - when removed -
The label clearly stated in Bold Letters -
“BLUE DESIRES!”
AHA! I handed it to her, so she could plainly see -
We were watching a DVD that was Already in - HER MACHINE!
HAH! I WAS TOTALLY EXONERATED!
It must belong to her Daughter - Mother of Three!
“I didn’t know it was in there!” She CLAIMED!
“I rarely come down here!”
“I watch my TV in the bedroom!”
“Sure - Sure - Sure” - I TAUNTED!
Then, after pressing a different button -
My VHS movie ejected -
I was over-joyed! And showed her the tape -
“A CIVIL ACTION” - JOHN TRAVOLTA!
Well, Ladies and Gents - we put that in the cabinet -
For Another night - Another Adventure -
Who knows? Maybe there are some Sensuous scenes?
Maybe we’ll Both - ‘Get LUCKY’ again?
Up to the bedroom we went - to SLEEP!
She tried to tempt me with a ‘Second Act’ -
But, I was ‘TOO TIRED’ -
Being so OLD - and all!
“WAIT’LL I SEE YOUR DAUGHTER!”
“Oh, no - please don’t tell her!”
“I’d be too embarrassed!”
“THE FACTS MA’AM - JUST THE FACTS!”
Love them facts! Quite a crackup. And I must confess I did the same damn thing as daughter 'D'. I cut my outdoor extension cord with the hedge trimmer and that wire is BITCH to splice. Patrick
I gotta believe Lady 'P', you surely were at fault with anything that was bad in that write as most men are the ones at fault, especially old geezers like yourself who prey on nice young ladies like your Lady...and since when is "silver", your car, all that trusty...? Enjoyed this poetic blog...Ed
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(((HUGS))) and love, Karla.
Cuz EDvard
Be always safe,
Karen
Cheers,
Dan