“LONELINESS, REVISTED”

 NOTE: This was written previous to the my other loneliness work,  but, initially, I found it so hard to clean up and include on my site here on AD, but I decided to do my best and hope you like it and understand, this is no longer me, this was a past me, before the introduction of anti-depressants into my life! 

Can anyone who has never felt it, describe it?

Can you actually say that you have never felt it?

Can you actually say that you have not even felt it in a crowd of people?

Even in a crowd of people that are all “supposedly”friends?

The above describes the way this writer has felt of late.

A loneliness, so intense, so indescribably profound and steadfast that I am quite frankly intimidated by it!

Intimidated to the point of not being able to effectively counteract its recent domination over my whole Karma.

When I try to break free of its debilitating and almost eerie effects by socializing with friends, I find that I cannot tolerate the fact that I am with these friends.

I find myself drawn away from them.

Drawn, almost magnetically, down to the outermost reaches of my abilities to ward off that which I know cannot be allowed to be felt by me, for any long length of time, because it will eventually lead me back to another era of my existence.

An era of desolate waste.

To when, even, I am, to myself, a worthless dreg on society.

To the point of my being desirous and even envious of those that have set foot on the stygian shore before me.

The Buddha states that: “By realizing and grasping the ultimate truth inherent within one’s own life one can act fearlessly and vigorously, and at the same time understand that all life, including his own, is endowed with peerless sanctity.”

One other statement that can continue this writing is also from the Buddha: “Happiness is positively related to the degree one can draw on his own force and the hope he has for the future.”

Maybe that is part of my feeling of loneliness and self-destruction.

I cannot draw on my own life force at this time because I cannot feel any hope for my future.

Loneliness is an all encompassing feeling that draws from all other feelings and drags them down to a nether world of conflict.

A conflict that I can foresee no demise, other than my own destruction.

I awoke crying this morning. I AWOKE CRYING!!! I CANNOT remember a time in my life that my day started with tears…

Tears of loneliness,

Tears of fear,

Tears of self-pity,

Tears of self-doubt,

Tears of lack of decision,

Tears of insufficiency,

Tears of knowing the only way out is that of my own extinction,

My departure from this world to an eternal rest or maybe that of another existence, a further pilgrimage into the realms of the great beyond.

But do I have the courage to bring myself to commit sutteeism.

I certainly do not have the valor to do away with my existence, even though that existence is such a futile one.

One that cannot be transformed into a more meaningful essence.

One that has the spark of life, the vitality that I once felt regarding the self.

Maybe the only way out of this feeling of depression is that of…

                                          DEATH…