It was an all or nothing proposition
The hand can move each finger individually
Not so with emotion
Can one just turn off sadness or humor
and leave the rest intact?
Maybe, but not in my sphere of understanding,
especially when it comes to the heart.

It was a time ago when life was being drained
Time was not the healer it was supposed to be
Survival needed a cure but not one of needle, drink or smoke.
Bandages to the soul were fleeting,
dissolving into and reforming intensity upon return.
Music would play as the carousel spun 360 degrees of memory.
I saw the inside and outside of it all without reason or answers.

I summoned the architect to erect a wall.
Block the heart I insisted.
He illustrated the futility of it as it would fall alone.
You need four walls as one will support the others. 

So brick by brick the structure was formed
The mistake was not realized until after the job was done
I stood inside looking at the towering walls I created
Nothing can get in here I exclaimed, I am safe.

The enemy was defeated, but so was it’s comrades
joy, anger, sadness, compassion, and all the others.
The only thing inside the walls was apathy.
At the time it seemed a reasonable roommate
and we lived together for a very long time.

Our conversations seemed strange at first
Me: Did you see the news today?
Apathy: No it doesn’t affect me so why bother.
Me: Have you called your family recently?
Apathy: No I have nothing to say.
And so it went through the years.

Until one day I found I was alone
I thought he left me.
I looked around knowing it was impossible,
as there were no doors in this room.
It finally dawned on me the conversion was complete
We had become one.
 
The other thing I realized, in my haste to eliminate the pains of love
I forgot to make a door to come and go as I pleased
Maybe if I built it from the outside,
I would have remembered to make a door.
So here I am now in a room void of emotion
Wondering if there is a way to escape, or if I even want to.