“Due to the trauma, we experience the fear of rejection, inadequacy, and/or
the fear of powerlessness itself.” --Kenny Weiss
The nine-year-old girl stands
Alone,
And confused,
As she watches her buddies,
The young brothers who are
The other two
Of their
Three Musketeers,
Forget about her
In the presence of
Another young girl
Dressed in cute, clean shorts
And a matching blouse
With its tails tied
High around her torso,
Suddenly made aware
As never before
Of her own deficiencies.
She knew she was a girl
But, in keeping with
Her singular place
As the only daughter
And eldest
Of four children,
She had always felt
Her sex was somehow
A handicap,
Something that robbed her
Of true acceptance,
Something she must overcome.
She couldn't understand
Her friends' sudden interest
In a creature who didn't share
Their rough and tumble
Sense of adventure,
But she did understand,
As she stood there
In her own shorts and shirt,
Covered with the grime
Of hours of hard play,
That she had been forgotten,
Made invisible by
The other young girl
She'd long considered
Inconsequential,
But whom she realized
Was suddenly
Very consequential.
Now it was she
Who was inconsequential,
Again not enough,
Only this time because
She'd never learned
How to be
Just a girl.
💔
Decades later
The young girl,
Now a middle-aged woman
Stares in the mirror
At her reflection,
Once more seeing only
Her shortcomings:
Short,
Dumpy,
Graying,
Unable to wear makeup,
Unable to afford
Attractive clothes, and still
Devoid of charm,
Still less than other women
Who led normal feminine lives
Full of normal, feminine experiences,
Still profoundly less
In every way,
First as the non-son
And later because
She'd never mastered
The role and the art
Of being naturally feminine
Possessing pretty wiles
And pretty ways.
Staring at herself
In the unforgiving mirror,
She understood and accepted
That as a woman
She was a failure.
She was
Inconsequential.
As I read, I find your description of this girl turned into a woman to be autobiographical. But we write best about what we know.
My partner had one sister, 10 years older, who left to get married at 15. She also had 8 brothers, several who were younger and she had to care for as a second mother. Most of them went to college while she worked to help pay for their college. They all married and left with their wives and she was all alone.
One reason why I hired this tomboy who became very particular about the man she would marry because of what she knew of men from her family's men. Now, as she reaching retirement and wants to be rid of me, and I concur, while still in good health, she doesn't care to be feminine like all of the women she's seen who have ruined their bodies with surgeries and cosmetics and still lost their men as they lost their beauty.
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My partner had one sister, 10 years older, who left to get married at 15. She also had 8 brothers, several who were younger and she had to care for as a second mother. Most of them went to college while she worked to help pay for their college. They all married and left with their wives and she was all alone.
One reason why I hired this tomboy who became very particular about the man she would marry because of what she knew of men from her family's men. Now, as she reaching retirement and wants to be rid of me, and I concur, while still in good health, she doesn't care to be feminine like all of the women she's seen who have ruined their bodies with surgeries and cosmetics and still lost their men as they lost their beauty.
Ron