OK, so New Mexico has started to combat drunk driving with the use of talking urinal cakes. This is another brilliant idea that somehow didn’t occur to me. But maybe the trick is to do one better, and it must be possible.
So I imagine electronic urine testing equipment installed in these urinals. This is more personal and tailored to each individual. These machines can test your alcohol level and let you know if it is safe for you to drive, or alert others to keep you off the road.
Are we looking to keep drunks off the roads or not?
Of course the Civil Liberties Union would have a field day, (not using the three-legged race because .00007 percent of the population has that condition and shouldn’t be insulted.)
So I enter the men’s room and proceed to do my business, and once it starts to flow the experience goes like this…
“Welcome John Bidwell, DNA Database member ###-##-####. If this is correct flush once, otherwise flush twice.”
I flush once.
“Analyzing urine, please direct spray to the center of the screen.
Analysis complete.
Your alcohol level is Zero- driver license #B#### ##### ##### has been registered status GO, you may drive.
To exit this system flush once, to hear more options flush twice.”
I flush twice.
“For level B urine analysis flush once, otherwise flush twice.”
I flush once.”
“Welcome to level B urine analysis courtesy reporting.
Your alcohol level is Zero. Your PSA and blood sugar levels are within healthy limits.
Urinary output is consistent with healthy levels of hydration.
There are no warrants for your arrest; you are not the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.
To exit this system flush once, otherwise flush twice.”
I flush once, I’ve had enough.
“Thank you for using the Uri-Chek system John. Even though you are not an employee, it is recommended you wash your hands before leaving this rest room.
Please use the fingerprint testing sheet towels located above the waste receptacles.
Goodbye.”
