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I is to Identify 11/15/2007 9:41:37 AM
Originally Posted on September 2, 2007 I is to Identify
To identify is to recognize or distinguish something. To recognize there is a problem is the beginning of the solution.
Grief is emotional response to loss and is part of the healing process. It’s been said, an alcoholic must realize and admit he or she is a alcoholic before treatment can begin. In the case of grandparents raising grandchildren, the grandparent must admit that there will be grief on their part. Because they have suffered great losses: the loss of a child to drugs, alcohol, prison or diseases and the loss of their life prior to their new edition. They have lost the way to handle their own sadness, because they want to be strong for the child/children.
The stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Right now, we are trying to identify them, healthful hints for solutions will follow.
Detecting Denial
Denial is difficult because it’s the act of refusing to admit the truth about something. How can you key in on denial.
Ask yourself simple questions: Is this situation going to get better? Is he coming back? Can I continue to live this way? Am I progressing? Do I want to remain in this situation for 5 more days, 5 months or 5 years? Is there something I can do make this better?
You must dig deep into your soul and be honest. In most cases, deep in your “gut” you know the truth. But, you hold on because you don’t want to subject yourself to the hurt or pain, or disappointment that follows.
Look at it this way your heart is the compassionate, tender vessel dealing with love, truth and honesty. Your mind is the logical machine computing questions and rolling out analytic solutions. Many times your mind and heart do not beat on the same drum. Some say follow your heart, it will not lead you wrong. Others follow their first mind. Whichever way you choose. You must be honest and truthful to yourself.
Another way to horn on this stage is through other people. I caution on the people you talk, listen and trust. Make sure they are down to earth and compassionate people, the kind that will tell the truth with diplomacy. It’s always easier to see what’s inside the box when your standing outside the box. Translation it’s easier to see the forest from the tress when you’re not deep in the forest.
My daughter told me a few months after my son left to move on. I stayed in denial for over a year, because I wanted to believe my son rather than face the truth that was surrounding my heart. I was not ready to accept the fact I would be raising his child without his assistance. I wanted to hang on to my life the way it was. Finally, reality slapped me in the face like a cold bitter wind in the winter. Only then, was I able to move on.
Assessing Anger
Anger is another natural emotion to promote healing. Detecting and channeling it in positive ways is the challenge. To detect angry, pay attention to yourself.
Do you express hostile tones, sarcastic remarks or nonconstructive criticism?
Do you have a constant scowl on your face, glaring looks, clutched fists or jaws sometimes accompanied with abusive language?
Are you easily irritated?
Are you rebelling against or challenging authority i.e., God, supervisors, governmental laws or any set of rules and regulations.
Are you pissed off with life?
Detecting Depression
Depression can be equated to the opposite of anger. Generally, anger deals with the exterior, the outwardly appearance. Depression is internal, the interior makeup. Often not fully detected until it has reached its full capacity. It can be a slow process gradually seeping in until it surrounds all the vital systems.
Are you overly sad?
Are you drained of energy all the time?
Have you changed your behaviors? The things you once enjoyed are not mundane.
Have taken on negative vices or increased the amount in your vices. Drinking, smoking more. Or overeating.
Are you sleeping more or is experiencing insomnia.
Are you depending more on over the counter medication or overusing prescriptions for sleep and anxiety.
Do you lack luster for life because everything is dull discouraging and doomed.
Do you fell like you are going though the motions of life. Doing what’s required, but lacking any enthusiasm?
Do you have negative views of life and the future?
Bargaining is a negotiation with, self others and God to come to terms on some type of agreement.
Are you making deals that cannot be fulfilled because it’s involving someone that is clueless to the deal or is an unwilling participant or lacks the strength?
Are you making arrangements with yourself to make others change?
Example: If I’m a good grandmother showering my grandchild with all the things he or she needs and wants, then my daughter will become a good mother through my example.
I will provide a good, clean spiritual home and my son will refrain from his wrong doings.
No one can make a person change. All good intentions are in vain if a person is resistance to the change.
Making deals with your son or daughter, even if they are willing participants, can go limp, if the child is too weak or does not have the proper assistance (mental, spiritual, physically or professional) needed. They may simply lack the will. They may have full intentions of holding up to their end of the bargain, but life gets in the way.
Example: You promise to give your child a good paying job at your company if he stays off drugs. He agrees, for a while, but the urge hits him and he’s off doing his thing, reneging on the promise.
Vows made with God are between you and Him. They are private. If you are a God-fearing person make sure you live up to the promise your mouth has expressed to the Lord.
Assessing Acceptance.
Acceptance is the finish line in the process of grief. You have reached a place of resignation. Reaching this stage, for the moment, everything seems okay. Realization reveals the previous life may be gone, but a new one has submerged including your grandchild/children.
Acceptance for me arrived, when I conscientiously planned all my trips and excursions around my grandchild’s summer, spring and winter vacations. There were set times for various activities with time allotted for “me” time. Our daily routines appeared to mesh. Life was balanced.
For the sake of honesty, acceptance can have false positive effect. When you reached this stage everything does not magically come together and everyone skips happily into the sunset. It’s positive because an achieved goal has been reached, but a false security realizing only one race has been won. There will be multiple hurdles to vault in the future.
Acceptance may arrive after many years of dedication and hard work, but can go as quickly as the blink of the eye whenever any setback or loss occurs.
Leir Williford, Author
Voice of the Eyes
www.leirw.com
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