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LACED FOR ACTION 11/13/2010 6:38:41 AM
WRITER’S CRAMP: Dave Roberts, my friend and a much better and more interesting scribe than I, has been sending “Patty Updates” regularly regarding his wife’s journey toward a new, exciting adventure on the highway of life. These remarkable reports are anxiously awaited by Patty’s plethora of friends, and if you’d like to be included, send your e-mail address to Dave at drob3651.aol.com.
LACED FOR ACTION
It may never have occurred to anyone else, but the laces in shoes can be arranged and tied, according to concerned mathematicians, 469,639,682,134,397 different ways. They can be threaded through the six pair of eyelets on the average American shoe, according to Ian Fieggen, the German authority on such matters, in about thirty-three traditional and alternate configurations.
It may never have occurred to you, but the manner in which Presidents of the United States tie their shoes indicates not only their political affiliation, but also how successful they were (are) and how kindly history regards them.
For example, Abraham Lincoln was one of the most liberal Republicans to occupy the White House — we know this because he laced his shoes from the bottom (nearest the toes) to the top by inserting the aglets from under the lip of each eyelet, finishing at the top by tugging the ends snuggly and tying them in a single knot and bow. One tug at night and — voila! — off they came!
Lincoln, however, wore boots more often than shoes, and he often employed “Riding Boot Lacing” -— sometimes called “Bal-Lacing” — wherein the laces are brought together at the calf and left hanging loose at the ankle, with a zigzag trajectory and tied in the middle.
Cumbersome, to say the least. He is said to be wearing these when he delivered the Gettysburg Address, an effort he considered a total failure and waste of time. For the record, he was wearing ordinary shoes that fateful night at Ford’s Theater.
Teddy Roosevelt never wore a pair of shoes that cost less than two hundred fifty dollars, even back then, but he went through shoelaces the way rancid potato salad goes through a five year old. His method of lacing, though similar to Lincoln’s, rode roughly below the ankles: he inserted the aglets from above the eyelets, then yanked the ends snug, tying them off with a sheepshank knot and rarely a bow. Ironically, perhaps because it was so difficult to undo, this was called the Spanish Inquisition method. Go figure.
No one knows how Warren G. Harding laced his. Remember, he beat out James Cox and his running mate (Franklin Roosevelt) for the presidency in 1921 — and had he lost, Harding Enterprises, rather than Cox, would own WBS and the Atlanta Journal Constitution today. Mr. Harding, however, always wore spats and pranced around the Oval Office during his brief occupancy fanaticizing he was George M. Cohan.
FDR, of course, never wore shoes unless he was appearing in public; his hand-knitted slippers remained hidden beneath his lap robe. Being a true Democrat and New Dealer, his shoes (when required) were equipped with steel braces rather than laces, and the configuration of the “strings” was subject to the whim of whatever Secret Service agent was on duty that day. Whether he awoke at Warm Springs or on Pennsylvania Avenue, the folks on his staff always knew what mood the “Boss” was in by the cashmere quilt that covered his shriveled limbs (if it smelled like a donkey had slept on it they knew he was his jolly old self.)
The “S” in Harry S Truman was alleged to have stood for nothing. Not true. It stood for Segmented, which was the manner in which his brogues were laced: a “segmented” variation that divided the lacing into two or more "segments", each of which could be laced up as tightly or loosely, as necessary, to achieve a comfortable yet secure fit for active Democrat feet that often had to be applied to the derrieres of a do-nothing Republican Congress.
Eisenhower, on the other hand (or foot,) never wore shoes. He wore Mickey Mouse military boots supported and partially covered by puttees. These leggings employed “Pentagram Lacing,” and each one flaunted 5 pointed stars, befitting Ike’s rank.
Ted Kennedy confided that his older brother seldom wore shoes. He preferred slip-ons and Anchor Bay “boat shoes,” neither of which required laces. Because of his ailing back, he used a yard-long shoehorn. For those occasions when Jacqueline required him to look his best, JFK opted for patent leather brogues, and he, being the most liberal of conservative Democrats, subscribed to the “Et Tu Brutus” method of alternating X-I-X-I on top of the shoe, which looked a little like Roman numerals. It was most effective on dancing slippers where the sides of the shoe meet in the middle, allowing the wearer more flexibility when tripping the light fantastic.
Richard Nixon was addicted to wing tips, usually brown. He was fond of what Ian Fieggen calls “Hidden Knot Lacing.” This required hiding the knot underneath the eyelet lips. It gave Mr. Nixon a seemingly uninterrupted series of straight bars that looked quite distinctive on dress shoes and sneakers alike. It noticeably gave him an edge when running from Dan Rather and special prosecutors.
Bill Clinton supported his party by running around the White House in his stocking feet, usually with a broken zipper on his sweatpants. On those frequent moments you might catch him coming out of McDonald’s, he was usually wearing black suede Reebok’s or Nikes with the laces formed in the “Double Back” fashion, which looked interesting at first but quickly became old hat and was awkward to stop when slipping away. The “strings” seemed to run down the sides, then double back up unexpectedly.
George W. Bush prided himself on never having owned but a single pair of shoes. Like his secret idol, LBJ, almost his entire closet was (and still is) made up of 32,581 pairs of cowboy boots, none of which require laces. “If’n I knowed then wot I knows now, I’da got me sum spiked clodhoppers an’ beat up on that Chicago Community Organizer guy like nobody’s bizness, so ol’ Johnny and Sarah coulda whup ‘im like they shoulda!” To complement his 32,581 pairs of cowboy boots, he also owns a like number of matching Stetsons, secret gifts from the former and late Governor John Connelly.
Momma Bush did give him a pair of dress shoes one Christmas, and he loved the “Double Cross” lacing, which his dad explained was created by running three steps forward (on the inside), one step back (on the outside). The result is short, wide crosses overlapping tall, narrow ones. Makes no sense, but looks nice when he crosses his legs.
Barack Obama is ecstatic that his shoes can never be mistaken for anything less than 100% union-made, American leather, top-grain under pinnings of the purest, finest clogs ever worn by a U.S. President. A liberal Democrat sometimes leaning a shade too far to the right and possessing a keen devotion to the blood that flows unimpeded like beebread and ambrosia through Yankee veins, Mr. Obama wears his patriotism on his cuffs, starting at his feet with Oxfords boasting the “Lock Lacing” method, a technique for creating a super-tight finish. It's often recommended to help reduce slippage when walking away from suspicious tea-sippers and the crazed criticism of whiners and maligners who like to hear themselves crying out in the wilderness.
