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Robert A. Mills

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KATE PLUS MATE
4/30/2011 8:31:44 AM

At last Americans can breathe easy — the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge finally got married in the longest, most expensive non-event of the new millennium.

Although I don’t give an ant’s rasp about the English monarchy, I am an early riser and got up anyway at 6:30. On my way to the bathroom, I switched on the TV just as the Bishop of London, Dr. Richard Chartres, started his sermon by saying, “All weddings are Royal Weddings.”

With his words still reverberating throughout the vaults and pews of Westminster Abbey, I turned off the TV and went about my business. The thought occurred to me as I adjusted the showerhead, if I were exec producer Jim Bell I would pay the diocese ten mill or so to lock up the Bishop just to record “Welcome to NBC’s Today Show, in living color!”

Man, has that preacher got a set of pipes!

I’d have him do a standard intro and ID à la James Earl Jones at CNN, and I’d use it every chance I got. Also, I’d toss in another 5 mill for the gal in the white gown who did the “Grace Kelly” imitation. She could do fashion notes, child-rearing advice, make-up tips and read recipes from cookbooks.

The bloke in the red Cap’n Crunch outfit — you know, the younger one with the bald spot — was okay, but Matt Lauer has nothing to worry about. The lad’s name is William Something-or-other, but he’s no relation to Harry Smith (sorry, wrong network.)

My mother-in-law (she’s no more British than Barack Obama is Polynesian) set her alarm for 4 AM and hung on every word and scene beamed from London. She falls asleep religiously during JEOPARDY, HOUSE and DESPARATE HOUSEWIVES, but she stayed awake for hours until the Cambridge Kids tied the knot.

In fact, to make certain that she did not miss a moment of this solemn occasion, my wife’s mother went out and bought a brand new alarm clock at CVS. Not trusting any run-of-the-mill device, she insisted on purchasing the Super Deluxe model with a reliable battery back-up, just in case we experienced an overnight power failure.

As it turned out, she was tuned in from start to finish, never missing a syllable of the ceremony. Like most Americans, the Royal Wedding, for her, was much more dramatic and rewarding than Election Night USA.

“How would you compare it,” I asked, “to the State of the Union message?”

“No comparison,” she said. “Richard Nixon was good, but never this good. Besides, he never wore his medals in public. And he looked nothing like his father.”

I asked her what she thought of the young lady in the white gown.

“I think,” the mater-in-law said, “she’s too good for whatshisface. Colin Firth’s a fine king, but his great-grandson will have a hard time keeping up with her.”

She did, however, agree that the Bishop of London was Best in Show (she says it was a toss-up between the clergyman and the groom’s best man.)

“When PBS’s NOVA does this wedding as a docu-drama in a few years, I hope they cast Anthony Hopkins as the Bishop. If not him, then either Laurence Olivier or Herbert Marshall. Either one will do.”

I was about to ask her whom she’d like to see portray Kate Middleton, but I was afraid she’d want Myrna Loy or Julie Andrews.

USA TODAY estimated the wedding cost the Crown roughly £20,000,000. A lot of it could have been underwritten by corporate America: Golden Arches might easily have been sewn on Philip’s fiery red tunic, and even the Queen’s outfit was SUBWAY yellow — her hat was ripe for a stenciled motto EAT FRESH. Also, Mr. and Mrs. Wales could have tooled about in a FORD Focus just as well as an Aston Martin.

But Anderson Cooper brought it all into perspective when he said, “While there are over 300 dead in Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee, Georgia et al, we needed the catharsis of this nonsense, albeit six time zones away, to divert our attention, if but briefly.”

God save the Queen and all her progeny.

Copywrite©2011 by Robert A. Mills

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