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DRAGON 2/22/2014 7:08:54 AM
DRAGON – March 22, 2014
Once upon a time, a long, long time ago . . . or maybe not so long ago, in a land far, far away . . . or maybe not so far away (depending on what your travel agent talked you into,) there lived an awesome coalition (or at least a handful) of fair maidens in the land of Rochesterville — home of the dreaded fire breathing dragon named BeeCee (BC for short.).
BC lived to wreak havoc on the land, continually rearing his ugly head and trying to destroy the fair maidens, hoping they would not have the will to fight back, thus conquering their souls (as well as their heels, ankles and insteps.)
But alas, BC was not the sharpest dragon in St. George’s lexicon; he was totally mystified and did not understand the strength and power of the fair maidens. Alas, (once again) BC had already attacked the fair maidens at one time or another, and instead of devouring them, he simply gave them the will to fight back (it was a Good Will that he had acquired while hunting quail, and he did not know what to do with it, so the blackguard simply gave it to the maidens)!
This, of course, distressed him greatly and gave him indigestion (rancid dragon breath.) The maidens may have looked fair and fragile on the outside, but inside they were not your run-of-the-mill Damsels in Distress. No, they had an inner strength that caused them to dig deep — where they found, to everyone’s surprise, they held a brave warriors heart! Adios, putrid old dragon!
These maidens were so loving, sweet and giving that they cheerfully spent their time working together and reading up on St. George, so they could find a way to slay BC and have done with him.
Led by the Numero Uno Merry Maiden Hollyberry, and her loyal Thanes (look it up; it originally meant a Military Companion to the King — or in this case the Numero Uno Merry Maiden, who herself was a Thane since she held an administrative position in the realm of Maidendom) who were determined not to be Ladies in Waiting, but rather an army
As there was always much work to do, the Maidens’ strategy involved many diverse facets of battle. The Lays of the Land (boyfriends and husbands) were of great help providing vast amounts of liquid power, such as Mead, a wine made of fermented honey, or SwishWash, an aphrodisiac made with honey and water, fortified with jiggers of Jack Daniels to keep the Maidens refreshed, happy and focused with a sense of being invincible for the fight, ready to defeat that nasty BC at every turn! In fact, they agreed to leave no stone unturned (or no tern unstoned). The Maidens did not think the dragon looked so tough and fierce after a few glasses of the Lays’ liquid power drink!
Many of the Maidens took the job of delivering the HUE & CRYING (bird cage liners) throughout the land. This mighty tome, often called THE WAILING WALL JOURNAL, informed everyone (especially all the Maidens) of the progress of the battle with BC, while seeking to garner new recruits from the Maidendom who had been burned by the filthy, hot breath of BC. The most successful column in the rag was written by Maid Hollyberry herself!
Other Maidens spent their time searching for artisans to donate wares to be sold at the FAIRE (a Renaissance market held once or twice a year to offer a wider range of goods than normal markets and were generally licensed by either the King, a local Lord of the Flies, or a chartered town). Strolling through the vendor stalls the Lays and Ladies of the Land bought trinkets and paintings, which helped fill their coffers with gold doubloons to support the battle against BC .There was even a booth for the Maidens to educate the many frightened Damsels, converting them from the wimpiest of women to women warriors!
Many Minstrels — poets and singers who performed with their voices and lutes — and Thespians (non-Equity actors) came to entertain the royalty, rouges, wenches, scullery-maids, wassails, vassals, flotsams, gypsums, and other sundry Refuse of the Realm, who came out in their Sunday-Go-Meeting finery to eat, drink and make merry — all the while tossing their coins into the hopper to support the fight.
There were Maidens Numero Deuce all the way to XCXVIII that oversaw the Privy Council, mapping out their battle plans, etc., etc., and other Maidens who rounded up the troops for everything from hospitality to organizing stuff, preparing for the competitions, the jousting, the sword fighting, the mud-wrestling — not to mention the taking for the team the arrows that flew from all directions. (One Maiden was so strongly against BC that she was affectionately dubbed: The Dragon Lady. Her slogan was ULTUENUM ARI UN DEATIA LAPUDUM! And all the Maidens responded with, Way to go, sister!
BC, breathing hot fire, came roaring down the Apian Way toward the Trojan Horse, which had been wheeled onto the concourse. At that precise moment they were both adjacent to the jousting post, and BC spit forth his most virulent flame, emulsifying the Trojan Horse, melting its seams, and splitting it in two. Out poured ten thousand Maidens, each wielding a lance of golden resolve — and each ran under the fire of BCs tongue and pierced the heart of the Dragon before he knew what was happening!
Confused and surprised, BC looked down at the ten thousand lances protruding from his chest and belly. He was oozing green rivers of red dragon blood. A look of defeat came over his face. His eyes crossed — then closed. With a final sigh, BC crumbled to the ground; his fiery breath, like a candle in a hurricane, flickered and went out.
A song broke out from the ecstatic Maidens: DING DONG, THE DRAGON’S GONE! THE DUFFIE DRAGON’S DEAD!
Maiden Numero Uno carried her banner and walked to the now dormant dome of the dragon, stepping on his flaccid tongue and nearly tripping. With a mighty heave, she plunged the pole into his rheumy eye and let the banner flow in the breeze. Maiden Numero XCXIX came up and whispered, “I can’t speak Latin. What’s it mean?”
Just what it says, Maiden Numero Uno replied. Easy come, easy go!
Robert A. Mills
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