Happy New Year to all of you - here are a few siles, guaranteed to break the ice at parties.......

Antiquarians are horrified because following the fighting around Bhagdad soldiers sprayed paint on the ziggaurat of Ur. Don't they know many people reach for a ziggaurat

I read in a gossip mag that when Catherine Zeta Jones had her baby her husband was beside her all the time - he was in the next bed having his eyes done.

I though I should call my oldest friend and ask how he is. The problem is I've known him so long I can't remember who he is. Its OK though, he can't remember who he is either.

Have you ever thought that maybe the people you pay to tell you how mad you are could actually be madder than you?

When shrinks insist you are mad it is because they are jealous that The Voices only talk to you.

Fundamentalist scientists claim they have discovered the names of Biblical characters encoded in human chromosomes. Apparently it is xx, Eve; xy, Adam; and yyy, Delilah.

Looks like George Dubya's chances of re-election are caught between Iraq and a hard place

In Bill Clinton's new book he gives complete details of his relationship with Monica. It's on the shelves on Tuesday....in the corridor on Wednesday, on the table on Thursday etc.....

As the Wimbledon Tennis tournament approaches a climax a bizarre fact struck me. Did you know all the male champions of the last few years have been witches? Remember a couple of years ago, that guy Goran? Even he's a witch.

Claudio Monteverdi, founding father of the Baroque movement in music was a firm believer in reincarnation. On his deathbed he said "don't go away I'll be Bach in a while."

I said to my sweetie, "if life were a theme park you would be my favourite ride."

A British Navy spokesman commenting this week on a decision to allow a Satanist to practice his religion on board ship said "there is not an evil bone in his body."....Well of course not, they are all in a coffin under his bunk..

Bottled water is so fashionable. Every Spa town in Britain has its own brand - except the most famous spa of all, renowned around the world since Roman times. So if people are crazy for Buxton Water, Stretton Water, Ashbourne Water, Tonbridge Water and Harrogate Water how come they aren't queueing to drink Bath water?

Loss of liberty is the price we pay for freedom:
Alan Bennett

I love wannabe TV show auditions. Have you noticed the presenters always tell nervous contestants "just go in and be yourself." Which totally ignores the fact that everyone there desperately wants to be someone else.

I'm trying to lose weight and have had to go on two diets.... I was not getting enough food on the first one.

A British Navy spokesman commenting this week on a decision to allow a Satanist sailor to practice his religion on board ship said "there is not an evil bone in his body."....Well of course not, they are all in a coffin under his bunk.

The 45 rpm record was fifty years old this year. Who would have though that seven inckhes of plastic could give so much pleasure.

As the festive season approaches remember, outside every fat person is an even fatter person trying to get in.

AND FINALLY
Forget the madmen and the warlords, the real danger is posed by the truth tellers.