"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." -Steven Seagal

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." -Jeff Foxworthy

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." -Robin Williams

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." -Dave Barry

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" -Marilyn Pittman

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." -Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study Huh?" -Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness. I could be eating a slow learner."             -Lynda Montgomery

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner." -Roseanne

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" -Richard Jeni

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." -Jerry Seinfeld

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." -Oscar Wilde

"Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet," -Robin Williams

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" -Dave Barry

"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car." -Author Unknown

Advice for the day If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"

 "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -Drew Carey