Voice Mail Hell:

"Hello. You've reached the mental health clinic.

If you're obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you're co-dependent, get someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you're paranoid, don't press anything. We already know who you are and what you're up to so stay on the line while we trace your call.

If you're delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you're schizophrenic, let the voices in your head decide which number to press.

If you're manic-depressive, press anything; it doesn't matter because no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, fidget with the pound key.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have bi-polar disorder, leave a message after the beep or before the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, just hang up; all our operators are busy with someone more important!"