Spam Erotica

They’ve grabbed addresses, got mine,

From e-mails or at other sites I surf,

Built a list, pumped their junk on line,

Holey filter lets their trash on my turf.

“Is your house making you money?”

This question they’ve got all wrong,

They really want an easy dumb bunny,

To play ka-ching, their money song.

“Mini remote controlled helicopters,” indeed!

“Free cable TV, including Pay Per View.”

Daily deluge adds to time I need,

To sift e-mails for a valued few.

I get offers for drugs with no prescription,

From a “discreet online pharmacy” store,

I can buy Vicodin — no proscription,

Meds for highs, lows, pain and more.

Their doctor diagnoses from miles off,

Any illness I have without a peek

At BP or pulse, and no need to cough,

Breathe deep, check if lungs are weak.

I get titillating messages with lewd pics

Of people in trailing phase of undress,

The camera catches in a naughty fix,

And some of it’s truly a mess.

I can’t deny some is exciting to see,

But I could do without porno at all,

It raises strange feelings in me,

Leaves me with libido right tall.

“Someone has a secret crush on you –

Find out who!” I get this time and again,

Of my near acquaintances, only a few

I’d indulge, if a name I could pin.

Pill or patch mail arrives most days,

That will “put my lover in a spell,”

Eyes will glaze as my member she gaze,

Their meds, my “Johnson will swell.”

Now there is a surprisingly easy way,

To instantly accomplish this feat,

No need for pills or patches to pay,

There’s an optical solution that’s neat.

Put two-x glasses on her and she’ll say,

“I’m impressed, dear, but frightened, too.”

“Don’t worry, my sweet, for gentle I’ll stay,

Eyes closed, we’ll be comfy as old shoe.”

“Viagra — need we say more?”

“Last all weekend with one new blue pill.”

I confess I’ve checked prices before,

But they get a ten or twenty dollar bill.

I’m cheap, but their pills they can keep,

‘Till hell freezes over, turns upside down,

We’ll take the time ‘til ardor we can reap,

When we’re ready we’ll just go to town.

“Kill those junk e-mails!” Believe this trash?

They’re spamming against spamming here.

What brass ones they have, way too brash,

In these charlatans we’ve got to put fear.

They should keep their spam — go away,

And not clog my folders with this crap,

It’s BS and I’d like to make them pay,

But grant them a bug’s rights — ZAP!