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Kimmy Van Kooten

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Member Since: Aug, 2006

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Menopause Menu"
by Kimmy Van Kooten → (All Poetry by Kimmy Van Kooten)
   Rated "PG13" by the Author.
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For the millions upon millions of men and women, who's lives have been affected, infused, and detonated into the preheating stages of "don’t crowd the oven" womanhood, while she being, almost out of season, and searching for help,
you have come to the right place!
They say nutrition is the key to a pleasant transition, so please, have a seat, facetiously infusing, swelling, with your feet up, relax in this time while you muddle over our...
"Menopause Menu"


Please note that breakfast, lunch and our dinner best 
are always served with a half-smile and soppin' sweats.
(Those of you who become emotionally distraught over the decoct attitudes of our waiting tresses,
will be charged an extra 69% gratuity and given our many blessings!
 So deal with whats dealt,  
or take your cracked up yolks somewhere else!)

Breakfast is snappily served between the hours of 7:00am and 11:00am.
(due to excessive bloating and hormonal imbalances floating,
 our temperature regulator/ thermostat
has been comfortably adjusted to fluctuate at,
on or about every 10 minutes depending on occupancy and total fat)

"Moody over my DrEggs"

Poached ovum or
Hot, hard-boiled eggs
with a choice of waffling between,
what you'll have or what you've got,
peeling your own shells off,
or not.
We will never try to forget, to adorn you plates
with an over-sized jelly roll and/or popover crepe'
Pruned preserves, to aide in irritability and gloat,
slowed indigestion and bouts of bloat,
will be spread,
ever so tenderly, upon over kneaded life -shortening bread.
Simmering tears steeped so done, served with
Black Cohosh tea and a hot, hot-cross bun

A Snappy Lunch will be served at 12:00 noon until 12:30p.m. (Post-menopause)
 because
(placing your orders early will not guarantee a snappy lunch
but will reserve yours being served by a basket case
with her panties in a bunch)

"Appetite Teasers"

Petite Marmite pleasers or
Vichyssoise in a pot  (sorry only served hot)

and one of the following listed here and now
(At no period in time, substituting allowed)

"LUNCH ENTREES"

Fully cooked, doomed in doubt,
burning hot Bratwurst and Sauerkraut,
Jambalaya simmered with a deviled crab,
clamming up tight with mussels and flab
or
A marinated Springtide breast of hen
with a saucy relish pickle,
from a frenzied AD den! 

All entrees above served with half baked, loosely
 boiled Kluski noodles or over-cooked couscous,
rapidly beating in the heart it chokes,
tossing and turning in a Waldorf mess,
a sweetness amongst the nuttiest's best!

"AFTERNOON DELIGHTS"

For dessert you have a choice
Lost marble cake with Rocky Road frosting,
or an oversized trifle with chocolate shard, jostling,
between beverages served and
prayers on a wing,
Valarium Root tea, hot flashed with a mood swing!
 Or
Soy milk, and/or lots and lots of cold water, but
don't spend the extra buck, your counting your quarters! 


"The Dinner Hour"
(from now until slew...)

This is a time when men will pause, if only for an hour, or maybe even two,
O.K., maybe for years, waiting, watching, hoping for life,
 a remedy from all recipes, he prays in fear,
while flipping the lid open , to his wife he called dear...

"more Appetite Teasers"

stew
(yes, just stew)

"MAIN DINNER do"

Our "Specialty of the House" is a Cordon Bleu
of Soul,
(Baked, broiled, or brewed in a bowl)
with a hormone mix, stirred emotionally, pining,
fusing,  with Mostaccioli noodles, topped with glazed nuts and a little time...

We can also light your fire with
Spiced tongue, in a do or dyer,
lamb basted and braised in melting brie
 on a wrinkled back door, over-sized Hibachis
or
A cooked up, cranky, depressed, steamed Red fish
stuffed with a bulgur mouth , on a saucy dish.
Aching in a crimson
of sour cream and Muenster
topped with snipped wives in awe-spice,
Shoulda, coulda have, onced her! 

Both dinner entrees are served with a hominy
of sweet n’ sour exacerbations,
with an increase in episodes of tingling sensations,
vegetable skins and a past harvest stuffing
Steamed buns vented in a sweet lovin' muffin! 

Chilled or perspired Egg Nog drink,
dolloped with nutty Meg, the hog,
Boy! She stinks!
or
Licorice root or Dong Quai tea

Anxiety aside, we savor the best for last...and me!

"After Supper Stupors"

Doomsday Cake with Fruit dipping
(watch out for hot spots and bloopers)
and/or our favorite treats

"That’s the Way the Cookie Crumbles"
or
"No More Dead Rabbit Pie" sweets!


Enjoy!

Copyright 2007
Kimmy Van Kooten
chef -in-training




 


 


 


 



 

 
 
 
 
 
 


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 Reviews of "Menopause Menu""
Reviewed on February 11, 2007

"Menopause Menu"
Oh now this is true entertainment...
Well, if it is true then that explains you spurts
And that is a good thang...smile

All the best to you,
From the Heart of an Artist..

I say don't ever slow down what ever you do!

Reviewed by Angel God is Love
Reviewed on January 28, 2007
This is funny LOL thanks for this
Hugs Angela

Reviewed on January 18, 2007
Hee HEEEEEEEEEEE! Five stars!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(((HUGS))) and love, Karla.

May I please have another serving? DELICIOUS!!!!!!!! A keeper, for sure.

Reviewed on January 16, 2007

Unique composition... "Menopause Menu" paints a live picture of reality, and stimulates ideas on the subject and thoughts on its torture's prevention.

I salute You, Poet.


Andre Emmanuel Bendavi ben-YEHU

Reviewed by Jerelyn Craden
Reviewed on January 15, 2007
So happy to add to this fabulous array of five star comments.
Clever, funny, painful (to remember being "in" it ... in and of the stew you so aptly describe as well as other hilarious metaphors for the total rewiring that we females must go through), and extremely imaginative. Oftentimes, it's while right "in" that hormonal wave that our muse kicks ass. Yours did. X0 Jerelyn

Reviewed by Laura Mayer (Reader)
Reviewed on January 15, 2007
Oh Kimmy, you're so funny and extremely clever. I'm going through that menopause too. UGH!! Take care and hang in there. Hugs, Laura

Reviewed on January 15, 2007
HAHAHAHA!!!!!! Kimmy, this was hilarious!!!!!! You are soooo creative!!!!!! Enjoyed this!!!!!

Sandie May Angel :o)

Reviewed by Joyce Bowling
Reviewed on January 15, 2007
Ha, ha, ha,hee, hee, hee, ha, ha,....and Amen sister...been there done that...wow! You've penned it to perfection. You've captured the mood swings, hot flashes, and all...loved it!
Blessings,
Joyce Bowling

Reviewed by Richard Cederberg
Reviewed on January 15, 2007
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ... is there a problem here somewhere? I can relate though, to a certain degree, especially when my wife and daughter are PMS at exactly the same time. Poor Dad/husband feels like a ping pong ball between two maniacal players.

This was so good Kimmy.

Light and Wisdom ...
Richard Lloyd Cederberg

Reviewed by Dove JoAnne Cromp (Reader)
Reviewed on January 15, 2007
hehehehehehehehehehehehe..dieing laughing, lol...hehehe
I'm 43, aint getting no younger, the overs about had it girl..One thing that TRULY helps is natural estregen from soy..I drink soy milk and I tell you it's the answer to all of it PLUS progetsreone creme at your health food store..I howvere don't agree with the idea that weight can't be lost...JUICING is the KEY, baby...Juicing and nutrition (serious nutrition can be the key...I saw Suzanne Sommers on tv the other month and I know if she can look that damb good I CAN TOO...Don't believe the people that say you'll be fat..Today I am fasting, cleansing the bloood stream, eating fresh fruit and juices..I FEEL GREAT....You go girl friend..We'll do the meno together, SEXY to the core.

Reviewed by Tinka Boukes
Reviewed on January 15, 2007
Kimmy YOU MADE MY DAY!!

Love Tinka

Reviewed by Felix Perry
Reviewed on January 15, 2007
Good write and I would hazard to say amusing but I might get yelled at. lol

Reviewed by Carole Mathys
Reviewed on January 15, 2007
Thank you Kimmy for giving us some smiles on this midlife minefield some of us are trying to get through...

Carole

Reviewed by Brett Moore
Reviewed on January 15, 2007
This is so creative, Kimmy, and extremely effective.

Brett

Reviewed by J M (Reader)
Reviewed on January 15, 2007
I'm with Sherry I thought PMS too was bad this is a list I will remember in the time of need. :) Oh Kimmy you are Talented, and witty.

Bless you,
Joselyn

Reviewed by SHERRY HEIM
Reviewed on January 15, 2007
And we all thought that PMS was as bad as it would get...listen up ladies...PMS is simply training wheels for menopause!!!! I would love to dispute Victor's comment, but he is spot on. Once you gain weight after menopause, it just isn't coming off!! Coming from the workout queen, I can tell you that no matter how hard I work out, I still remain thick as a brick...sighs... and boy can I pack on the muscles, too, my arms look like they belong to a truck driver! Saucy poem here, Sister. I hope menopause is kinder to you than it has been to me. More than seven years and I am still having flashes. Remifemin (otc all-natural menopause med) has been my salvation and has really helped with the forgetfulness and crankiness. Hot flashes still remain though and my mom who is 80 still has them, so not much hope for them leaving anytime soon for me.
Take care,
Sherry

Reviewed by Rusty Daily
Reviewed on January 15, 2007
I simply say. Brilliant and funny. This was toooo good Kimmy.
Rusty

Reviewed by Lynn Barry
Reviewed on January 15, 2007
This is a riot! I sure can relate. I kept crying yesterday and honestly didn't know why. You are very talented.

Reviewed by Paul Berube
Reviewed on January 15, 2007
Kimmy,

ILMAO, I guess it's called menopause because it makes us stop and think before we ask. The menu sounds interesting but I think I'll eat out this week. (lol)

Reviewed by ~ Holly Harbridge (Reader)
Reviewed on January 15, 2007
A most interesting poem Kimmy!

Reviewed by Victor Buhagiar (Reader)
Reviewed on January 15, 2007
Careful Kimmy. After all is over you'll find yourself too fat and no diet will reduce your waistline. Victor

Reviewed by Andy Turner (Reader)
Reviewed on January 15, 2007
OMG, woman got the short end of the straw, maybe it would be more appropriate if it were called WoMenopause.

Nothing like rosey cheeks though...

Reviewed on January 14, 2007
A cooked up, cranky, depressed, steamed Red fish
stuffed with a bulgur mouth , on a saucy dish
Aching in a crimson
of sour cream and Muenster
topped with snipped wives in awe-spice
Shoulda, coulda, have, onced her!
~~
YOur mind is working overtime here Kimmy!
I love this heartfelt hormonal write!
YOu said to the point, it gets me to think!
Can we outrun all this...
GOD Speed to ya'!
There is suppose to be very good benifits too!
STay Positive! I loved your upbeat attitude, and this took
alot of creative thought and edge to conquor! Wow!

WArmest HuGs, WArrior Sheeeooxx
P.s. I don't think (I'm suppose to know) if I started... I know I have less patience~ If that's a beginning~ Paul is very forgiving! He is a treasure/Blessing!
I wish you cool days!


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