Middlin’ Old

 Don’t wann’a admit to bein’,

what’ch’call, uh, old.

So let’s see.

If a guy can be middle aged,

so why can’t I be “middlin’ old?”

So,

so let’s see.

Bein’ middlin’ old now,

so,

so what’s so different?

Well...

There’s a whole bunch’a

more salt in my hair than pepper.

An’ I still walk, uh...

kind’a straight

‘ceptin’ now an’ then

I get this hitch in my getalong.

Memory...

Memory?

Uh, what the hell was I sayin’?

Oh, yeah!

My memory ain’t much worse

then back than when I was...

Uh, what the hell was I sayin’?

Yeah, I still remember stuff

like...?

Oh, yeah!

I remember…

uh, where’s the toilet?

it’s there...

There? What’s there?

Then there’s teeth.

Teeth?

Well,

really there’s good an’ bad here.

Bad ‘cause bubble-gum don’t work so good.

Good ‘cause I don’t have toothaches.

Bad ‘cause they fall outta my mouth if I try to whistle.

Good cause’ my teeth help control my weight,

‘cause I don’t eat so much if I forget ‘em at home.

An’ I’m not all that much heavier

now than when I was...

Okay,

so they say

as women age their stomachs go to their butts

an’,

so they say,

when men age their butts go to their stomachs.

Okay, so my butt’s slipped front-side

so now my belly’s like where my butt

used to be,

an’ my butt’s...?

hell I don’t have a butt no-more

‘cause my butt’s where my belly use’t’be.

What else?

Oh, yeah,

“sex”

Huh, what’ch’ya say?

Sex!

Sex, yeah...

Always thought

when I stop thinkin’a  sex’ll

be the time I’ll be ready for diein’.

an’ as I ain’t ready to be diein’

I’ve become kind’a like some kind’a deranged

kind’a chemist thinkin’...

Hummm?

If I take a half’a’ one those almond colored pills in the mornin’,

you know that pill that’ll maybe’ll give me a four hour hard-on...

Hell, we...

my lady’n me’ll settle for a five minute hard-on.

an’ I take one’a those blue kind’a pills an hour before,

maybe it’ll work an’ we’ll...

hell you know!

Oh, yeah,

an’ I almost always gotta pee.