"Grandma" is the best pet
our family ever had.
She's no fuss or bother
and only slightly mad.
She has long talks with Elvis
When the moon is bright.
We've done our Christian duty;
one day she'll see the light.

We found her in a dumpster
Outside Taco Hell.
Dad said we could keep her
if we didn't mind the smell.
Now she sleeps in the attic
and raids the fridge at night.
She bakes us chocolate oatmeal cookies
that are really outta sight!

Now some folks save the seals and whales
and the spotted owl.
They fight for inhumqn rights
always ready to cry fowl!
They can save the rain forrest
But they'll do it all alone,
'cause we believe that charity
starts right here at home.

Well winter came and "Grandma" died
quietly in her sleep.
We hauled her to a dumpster
and left her in a heap.
Dad said we could get another
come to take her place,
so we're off dumpster divin',
singin' Amazing Grace.

Yeah, "Grandma" was the best pet
our family ever had.
She was no fuss or bother
and only slightly mad.
She had long talks with Elvis
when the moon was bright.
Take good care of her Jesus
and treat that old gal right.

author's note: please don't assume I mean everything I say. It's satirical humor. I'm really on your side, (and would prefer not to receive hate mail from blue-haired matriarchs hurling polital correctness). Oops, did I say that last part out loud?