I sat in my favourite tavern,

On the outskirts of Brisbane one night,

Protecting what was left of my lager,

From two blokes that had started to fight,

Well when the ruckus was finally over,

I says to the one on the floor,

“Not that it’s none of my business,

But what were you blokes fighting for?”

Well he looked up at me as I helped him,

Stagger his way to a chair,

And said, “It’s Kathleen, the woman I married,

That’s her brother I was fighting back there”,

“They’re a strange kind of creature these Sheila’s,

I don’t understand ‘em at all,

You can’t tell the truth when they ask you,

And when you lie, they go straight up the wall”,

“Like when she bought some new clothes for a shindig,

And Said, “Do I look fat in this dress?

Come on, be honest”, she told me,

Then went nuts when my answer was yes”,

“Now don’t get me wrong, she’s a good ‘un,

Just as bonza as any I’ve seen,

A dab hand at the washing and ironing,

And the tucker she cooks is a dream”,

“But it’s her thinking that’s got me befuddled,

I can’t make head nor tail of it mate,

She tells me I’m constantly under her feet,

Then complains if I stay out too late”,

“And she says that my personal hygiene,

Leaves a lot for a girl to desire,

Like there’s something wrong with a fella’

Scrapping his toes by the fire”,

“Well I blame her city born brother,

For putting ideas in her head,

Would you believe that he told her,

I should take off me hat while in bed?”

“Next thing you know he’ll be saying,

I should take off me moleskins as well,

Well I told her straight, that it won’t happen mate,

And she’ll just have to get used to the smell,”

“Because I’m just a bloke from the Scrublands,

A bit rough round the edges I s’pose,

And I told her when I met her brother,

I’d poke him real hard in the nose”,

“Well I met him just now, for the first time,

And she’d said what I told her I’d do,

Turns out he was once a prizefighter,

From the bushlands of Wool-lar-mull-loo”,

“And built like a dunny I tell ya,

With arms like the trunk of a tree,

But they’ll have to build ‘em much bigger than that,

If they wanna’ get the better of me”,

“Did you notice the right hook I gave him?

Yeah, I can hold me own weight in a clinch,

I caught him off guard, on the point of his nose,

And the Bludger did nothing but flinch”,

“But I hurt him I think, when he threw me,

And I bounced off the wall to the chair,

‘Cause I noticed as soon as I’d landed,

that I still held a chunk of his hair”,

At that point the fella’s wife entered,

And he sunk to the floor, out of sight,

And the barman replied to her question,

With, “Nope, haven’t seen him all night”,

Well she was taller than I had imagined,

And shapely of figure and thigh,

With long auburn hair to her waistband,

And she was pretty, with sparkling eyes,

When she left he returned to the table,

With a lopsided, broken toothed grin,

And I couldn’t help think as he stood there,

What the Hell was she doing with him?

But they’re a strange kind of creature, these Sheila’s,

With a logic known only to them,

There’s nothing on earth more confusing,

Well that is, except for their men.

By S.E.Ralph

2-4-2006