How dare you suggest that I’m a thief,

Why the very thought defies belief,

How could you think such things for heavens sake?

I understand that you’re upset,

And at your loss feel deep regret,

But am I the kind to steal your fresh cream cake?

I was nowhere near the scene of crime,

I was in the garden at the time,

But there of course I have no alibi,

No-one saw me there alone,

Except the flowers and pots and garden gnome,

So my whereabouts cannot be verified,

But I swear I have no knowledge of your loss,

No I haven’t got my fingers crossed,

I’m innocent as anyone can see,

Look at my hands, No not that one!

There’s cream still stuck around the thumb,

God only knows how that has come to be,

No that’s not sure proof I did this deed,

Don’t interrupt, let me proceed,

That’s shaving cream, yes I remember now,

What witnesses can you produce,

To say that I don’t tell the truth?

You’ve just your own suspicions anyhow,

No cold hard facts or fingerprints,

No D.N.A on the baking tin,

To say I stole your cake as you suggest,

And the frosted sugar on my chin,

The guilty look and sheepish grin,

Are circumstantial evidence at best,

There are muddy footprints, I concede,

But were those footprints made by me.

Leading from the garden to the cooling tray?

They’re not unique I would surmise,

And therefore no proof that they are mine,

A burglar perhaps, well who can say?

I mean the smell of pastry being baked,

And an unattended fresh cream cake,

Would be enough to tempt most anyone,

A passing rouge could easily,

Have jumped the fence and snuck by me,

Stole the cake and set out on a run,

So I think it’s best for all concerned,

That we treat this as a lesson learnt,

And I’ll accept the apology you’re sure to make,

But may I suggest, if you don’t mind?

It would be prudent, you may find,

If next time you make a lot more fresh cream cakes.

By S.E.Ralph

2-10-2006