I don’t want to be unfriendly,

I don’t mean to be unkind,

But you’re going bungee jumping,

Have you lost your tiny mind?

You’re going to leap two hundred feet,

Suspended from a crane?

Well you wouldn’t get me up there,

Let alone jump off again,

Oh, you think that I’m a coward,

Well your judgement might be sound,

But I’d rather be a coward,

Than a blood stain on the ground,

Or have my legs disjointed,

By a large elastic band,

What makes you want to do these things,

I’ll never understand,

Then you’re going to go wing walking,

Are you totally insane?

You’re going to pay some total stranger,

To let you walk across his plane?

While the pilot’s doing somersaults,

Two thousand feet aloft,

Yes I’m sure he says it’s safe,

But he’s not likely to fall off,

He’ll be strapped there in the cockpit,

With a parachute no doubt,

What do you mean, “don’t get excited?

And that there’s no need to shout”,

You’re talking about doing things,

No normal man would do,

Well I’ll bet your new fiancée,

Will have a thing to say or two,

She seems quite level headed,

Not the rash impulsive sort,

Oh, I see that’s where you met her,

While you were doing extreme sports,

She’s abseiled a live volcano,

Swam with sharks almost an hour,

Dived off Niagara Falls,

And once base jumped the Eiffel Tower,

Well she seems like quite a woman,

And I’m happy for you son,

And it’s just as I suspected,

You’re both as crazy as they come,

Where did you say the wedding was?

Oh, pot holing in Peru,

Oh damn I’ll have to miss it,

I have something else to do,

Well of course it is important,

Or I would come without a doubt,

But Erm…I have to help my brother,

Sort his stamp collection out,

And I couldn’t really cancel,

Because they take so long to sort,

But I will be disappointed,

That I missed your extreme sport,

Perhaps you could send a video,

Of the service and the bride,

In her flippers and her snorkel,

That’s of course if you survive,

Being trapped beneath a mountain,

Water lapping round your ears,

Oh, your mother will be very proud,

It’s such a quaint idea,

I can see her in that dress she bought,

Her aqua-lung and mask,

Oh what a pretty picture,

Please do send a photograph

It’s such a shame I’ll miss it,

For a stamp collectors sake.

There’s nothing I like more than caves,

And soggy wedding cake.

By S.E.Ralph

26-4-2007