A letter from Bad Santa

Dear Kerry,

It’s been a while now Kerry Lee

since you last sat upon my knee

since you asked me for a dolly,

a lolly, and a shopping trolley.

Since I patted your bum

and got an evil look from your mum.

Yeah…! It’s been a while now.

Since I got caught robbing shelves

Being rude to children and having

sex with lady elves.

Three years they gave me.

So here I sit in my cell,

all alone contemplating a plaintive hell.

It’s not too bad though…

Except for the cold hearted warden and the smell.

Please don’t be mad at Santa,

I was only trying to make ends meet

so Mrs Santa’s Kids could have something on their feet.

Trying to make a living when everyone was-take-take-take,

only me giving…no-make-make-make.

I didn’t mean to be bad

I just got fed up of being sad.

Oh! I got your letter by the way…

and…no, I’m not your dad.

But never fear I’m breaking out of here.

I have a job to do bringing Christmas cheer,

Must nip to the shops and grab some beer.

I’ll rummage round in my sack,

see if I can find something long and black

to jemmy the bars off until I’m free.

I’ve arranged to have my getaway sleigh waiting for me.

I’ll come to your house Christmas Eve

deliver your present and take my leave…

and maybe some silverware too,

You see I do care for you.

Anyway, sweetie must dash

got some reindeer to catch.

So you see soon Kerry Lee,

who, when last we met, sat upon my knee

and in pure excitement, left a present for me.

A little puddle of wee.

See you soon 

lots of Love Bad Santa

 

Paul Williams 2004