I'm in love with Linda.

Linda don't love me.

I only wish I somehow could

Just really make her see

Past the fact I drink too much,

And that I'm overweight,

And that I really fart too much

When we go on a date.

She really needs to understand

That just because I'm balding,

She shouldn't hang the telephone

Up on me when I'm calling.

Just because I burp a lot,

And sneeze and hiccup, too;

Linda please don't laugh to loud

When I say "I love you!"

So I scratch my crotch a lot;

I have to when I itch.

I'd love to scratch you, Linda dear,

And make your insides twitch.

So I never brush my teeth,

And never comb my hair,

Linda baby, Linda dear,

Why do you at me glare?

Bathing isn't everything;

It wastes much H2O.

Linda baby, Linda dear,

I ache for you to blow

Your sweet warm breath into my ears,

That are plugged up with wax,

And slide your tender, loving hands

Deep down my dirty slacks.

So I don't clip nose hairs;

They just grow back again;

It leaves me much more time for you;

Oh Linda, Linda when?

I know I sweat profusely,

And that I rarely shave.

Linda dearest everything,

Make me your sweaty slave!

So I swear and spit a lot,

And often pick my nose;

Please, please, please my Linda dear,

Please just take off your clothes!

About you I know everything,

Including your shoe size.

When I recall your measurements

All things within me rise!

I know what types of "things" you wear,

That press against your thighs,

When I see your bra strap, dear,

Out pop my beady eyes!

Oh Linda precious darling, dear,

No longer can I wait,

To taste your precious skin, my dear

And lick you off my plate!

I love you precious Linda, dear,

With all my heart and soul.

That bulge you see down in my pants

Is not a lump of coal!

Linda you don't love me, dear.

I think I now know why;

Despite your looks, despite your charm,

You're really just too shy.

I think that you're afraid of me;

Afraid you'll love me too;

Afraid that when you touch me, dear

You'll just go all to goo!

Someday I'll brush my teeth again,

And comb my greasy hair,

And on my bed my Linda, dear,

There lying you'll be bare.

Linda, Linda, Linda dear,

Oh Linda I love you.

I only wish with all my soul

That you would love me too.

I love you so my Linda dear.

I know you don't love me.

I hope, though, that you'll lose your fear

And that you'll come to see

That I'm the one who's just for you;

That I will set you free;

That only in my puffy arms

Damn happy you will be.

I love, love, love, love, love you dear,

Oh Linda I love you!

Please say it darling Linda dear:

"I love, love, love you too!"