The only difference with the Joke of the Week this
time, is that I will keep all the jokes published, on what should be a very long page, and I will go to a second page if I have to.
Humor and creativity just seem to go together
May 15, 2011;
This piece debuted on this date in the #1 spot in the top ten, in the Humor Category; It was also listed in the 'Featured' Page in the Humor Category here at Authors Den. A good start for sure...
Millions of people all over the country are suffering from terminal seriousness...and YOU may be one of them. Because of this, I have also added several of the articles I have written on getting more humor into your life...in other words...humor-related articles. I certainly hope these articles will help the reader to get more humor into his or her life. So, can we have a drum-roll and get the show started...
Site traffic in hits/views as of February, 2013;
453,655; My thanks to everyone who has taken the time to visit, for it is the visitor who is the most important person in this entire publishing process. We can't do it without YOU!
Website name; humordoctormd
Humor and creativity just seem to go together
Over 100 colorful pages; Life, Liberty, and the persuit of silliness...The humor-related articles include;
1) How I Got Started in Humor;
2) Never Underestimate the Power of a Smile;
3) Humor 101 For Dumbos;
4) Catch the Humor Bug...and Spread It Around;
5) Humor Has Been My Life's Calling;
6) Humor Helps Us All to Cope With the Aging Process;
7) Just Say NO To Dirty Humor;
8) Prescription; Take a Large Dose Of Vitamin H
9) Taking Risks; Using Imagination and Silliness;
10) The Negative Side of Humor;
11) The Positive and Healing Power of Humor;
12) Why I'm Reluctant To Call Myself a Humor Writer;
BEDLAM GENERAL HOSPITAL
(The Humor Clinic)
If you want to get more humor into your life...you've come to the right place...
Website name: humordoctormd
Humor and creativity just seem to go together...
If you suffer from terminal seriousness...YOU BELONG HERE...to get your weekly fix. The Joke of the Week will be posted every Sunday, so you can get your week started off in a humorous way.
START DATE; SUNDAY MAY 15, 2011;
Sunday-Funny for March 11, 2013
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking; stop smoking; and staying out to all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well; enjoy fine arts; gourmet food; classical music, and even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
"Sounds like you might be a little bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now, that I'm so improved...she just isn't good enough for me."
Sunday-Funny for March 3, 2013
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them got together after to chat about the convention. One said to the other three, "people are always coming to us with their guilt and fears...but we have no one we can go to whan we have problems."
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time to hear each out out?" The other three agreed. So, the first psyychiatrist said, "I have an incredible urge to kill my patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things, so I cheat my patients out of their money, whenever I can, so I can buy the things I want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and I often get my patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know how much I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try...I can't keep a secret."
Sunday-Funny For February 17, 2013
Bed Pan Humor
Why did the nurse insist on using a rectal thermometer to obtain temeratures?
Because the nurse was taught in nursing school to always look for the patient's best side.
Sunday-Funny For February 10, 2013
A Redneck With Matches
A redneck farmer from back in the hills, walked 12 miles, one way, to the General Store. "Heya Wilbur," said Sam. Tell me...are you and Mrytle still making fires up there, by rubbing stones and flints together?"
"You betcha, Sam. "Aint no other way. Why?"
"I've got something to show ya...to make a fire...it's called a match."
"Match? Never heard of it."
"Watch this...if you want a fire, just do this." Sam says..."taking a match and striking it on his pants."
"Huh...well that's something...but, it aint for me, Sam."
"Well, why not?"
"I can't be walking 12 miles to barrow your pants every time I want a fire."
Sunday-Funny For February 3, 2013
A New Deputy
The local sheriff, was looking for a deputy, so Tommy...who, was not exactly the sharpest nail in the buched, went to the interview for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Tommy, what is 1 and 1?"
"11," he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, 'that's not what I meant,' but he's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 't'?"
"Today and tomorrow." The sheriff was again surprised that Tommy supplied the correct answers, that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, Tommy...listen carefully," said the sheriff. "Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Tommy looked a little surprised himself, and then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." So, Tommy wondered over to the pool hall, where his pals were, wanting to hear the results of the interview.
"The interview went well," he told his buddies. And, then Tommy finished, "It's only my first day on the job, and I'm already working on a murder case."
Sunday-Funny For January 20, 2013
One day, a little old lady answered the knock on the front door...and she was confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of moments of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away," said the old lady. "I haven't got any money," proceeding to shut the door. But, quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door, and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty," he said, "Not until you've seen my demonstration."
And, with that...he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto the hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all the traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.".
"Well", she said, "I hope you have a good appitite, because the electricity went out this morning."
Sunday-Funny For January 13, 2013
The Dangers of Slow Golfers
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes of golf on their lunch hour. Both men are playing excellent...but, they are being held up by two women in front of them, moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the woman, to see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half-way there...and then stops, and jogs back.
His boss asks what the problem is..."well, one of these women is my wife, and the other is my miss-tress," complained Joe.
Phil just shook his head, and started towards the women, determined to finish his round of golf, preparing to ask the ladies...and turned around (when he noticed the mistress was...his wife!).and he turned around.
"What's wrong?" Joe asked. Phil responded, "It's a small world...Joe you're fired?"
Sunday-Funny For January 6, 2013
A drill sargent had just chewed out one of his cadets...and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet, and said, "I guess when I die, you'll love to dance on my grave." The cadet replies;
"Not me...Sarge...not me, sir. I promised myself, that when I get out of the Army, I would never stand in another line."
Sunday-Funy For December 30, 2012
New Year's Resolutions You Can Keep;
1) Read less; 2) Gain weight; at least 30 pounds; 3) Stop exercising/waste of time; 4) watch more television; 5) procrastinate more; 6) Drink more; 7) start being superstitious; 8) spend more time at work; 9) eat out more; 10) take up smoking;
Sunday-Funny For December 23, 2012
A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His fluttered open and he said to his wife, "You're beautiful," and then fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side, and a couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered again, and he said, "You're cute." Well, the wife was dissapointed instead of beauiful, she was cute...so she said, "what happened to beautiful?" His reply; "The drugs are wearing off."
Sunday-Funny For December 16, 2012;
What? No Birthday Present?
A Jewish gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot in the cemetary.
On her next birthday, he bought her nothing. She was quick to comment laud and long on his thoughtlessness.
His respose: "Heck...you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"
Sunday-Funny For December 9, 2012
Married For 45 Years
A couple had been married for 45 years, and had raised a brood of 11 children, and was blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replied,
"Many years ago, we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack uyo and leave, has to take all the kids."
Sunday-Funny For December 2, 2012
Breaking Out of Prison
PRISIONER; "Look here, doctor...you've already removed my spleen; my tonsils; adenoids and one of my kidneys. I only came to see you, if you could get me out of this place!"
DOCTOR; "I am getting you out...bit by bit."
Sunday-Funny for November 25, 2012
You know you're a redneck, when your flyswatter doubles as your spatula.
Sunday-Funny For November 18, 2012
Be More Polite
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks...Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn't too happy about that, "When are you going to learn to be polite."
Bill; "If you had a chance to pick first, which one would you pick."
Tom; "The smaller piece, of course."
Bill; "What are you whinning about? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"
Sunday-Funny For November 11, 2012
An airline pilot was breaking in a new stewardness. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the new stewardess the best place for personnel to eat; shop and stay over-night.
The next morning, as the captain was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew where she was staying in at the hotel, and called her up wondering what had happened.
She answered the phone crying, and she said, that she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room," the captain asked. "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed! "One door is to the bathroom; one door is to the closet; and one door has a sign on it which reads, 'Do not disturb.' (sob-sob)
Sunday-Funny For November 5, 2012
An elderly patient went to the dentist to have her teeth checked.
"Mrs, HogWash...your teeth are good for the next 50 years," the dentist beamed, to which she replied, "What will my teeth do without me?"
Sunday-Funny For October 28, 2012
Question; What happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
Answer; There was money in the kitty.
Sunday-Funny For October 21, 2012
A man walked into a bar, and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots...what's wrong?" "I found out that my older brother is gay," replied the man.
The next night, he walked into the bar, and asked for six shots of vodka. "What now," asked the bartender. "I found out that my younger brother is gay," replied the man.
The night after that, the man walked into the bar and asked for six shots of vodka. "Geeze, does anybody in your family like women?"
The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."
Sunday-Funny For October 14, 2012
A kid was crying outside his house;
A passer by asked;
Why are you crying?
Kid; My parents are fighting inside the house;
Passer by: Who is your father?
Kid; That's what the fight is about!
Sunday-Funny For October 8, 2012
Crazy Laws; Main Street USA
- A woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission;
- It is illegal for a man to scowl at his wife on Sunday;
(the rest of the week is fine)
- It is illegal to paint sparrows and sell them as parakeets;
- It is against the law to serenade your girlfriend;
- All bathing suits MUST be inspected by the head of police;
- Anyone can keep their cow on Mainstreet downtown, at a cost of 3 cents per day;
Sunday-Funny For September 30, 2012
Letter To His Girlfriend
A young soldier left home to join the Army. He told his girlfriend, that he would write everyday. After about six months, he received a letter from his girlfriend, and told him that she was going to marry someone else.
He wrote home to his family, to find out who she married. The family wrote back, and told him it was the mailman.
Sunday Funny For September 23, 2012
A senior citizen was driving down the highway...and his phone rang. Answering the phone, it was his wife calling, who urgently warned him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way on Highway 180. Please be careful."
Herman responded; "Heck...it's not just one car going the wrong way...it's hundreds!"
Sunday-Funny For September 16, 2-12
A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical exam. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow-up visit, the doctor said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The 92 years old man responded; "Just doing what you said, doctor. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The doctor responded, "I didn't say that. I said that you have a heart murmur, so be careful."
Sunday-Funny For September 2, 2012
Embarrassing Medical Exams
One day, I told the wife, that her husband died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than 5 minutes later, I heard her reporting to her family, that her husband had died of a massive ilnternal fart.
Sunday-Funny For August 26, 2012
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day, she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses...one for each year of her life.
That evening, he called the local florist, and ordered twenty-one roses, with instructions that they be delivered first thing in the morning.
As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that, since the young man was such a good customer, he would put in an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
The young man never found out what made the young girl so angry with him!
Sunday-Funny For August 19, 2012
The Baker and the Lawyer
A baker and a lawyer, were in a car accident, and showed up at the pearly gates of Heaven about the same time.
St. Peter greeted them, and takes them to their home, where they will spend all of eturnity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle, and head down the gold road; and then a grander road paved with diamonds...and to a huge mansion, whereby St. Peter turns to the lawyer, and says, "here is your home for the rest of eturnity...enjoy. If there is anything you need, just let me know."
Then...St. Peter took the baker to HIS home...back down the diamond-studded bulevard; down the platinum highway; down the streed of gold; down the avenue of silver; whereby St. Peter says, "Here you go, and starts to leave, when the baker says, "How come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get the shack?"
And, St. Peter responds; "Bakers are a dime a dozen, and we've never had a lawyer here before."
Sunday-Funny For August 12, 2012
Bar Joke; Selling My Wife
A drunk walked into a bar...crying! One of the other men in the bar asked him what had happened.
"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk. "Just a few hours ago, I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."
"That is awful," said the other guy. "And now that she's gone...you want her back, right?"
"Right," said the drunk, still crying.
"You're sorry you sold her, because you realized (too late) that you still loved her, right?"
"Oh no," said the drunk. "I want her back because I'm thristy, again."
Sunday-Funny For August 5, 2012
Clever News Reporter
A car was involved in an accident on a near-by street. As expected, a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, could NOT get near the car.
Being a clever sort that he was, the reporter started shouting loudly, "Let me through...I'm the son of the vicitm!"
The crowd made way for him....and, lying in front of the car...was a donkey!
Sunday Funny For July 22, 2012
Helping Lonley Child
Sandy began a job, as an elementary school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day, during recess, she noticed a little girl standing by herself on one side of the soccor playing field, while the rest of the kids were on the other side of the field.
Sandy approached and asked if the little girl was all right.
The little girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot...still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "would you like me to be your friend?"
The little girl hesitated, and then said, "Okay."
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because ," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
Sunday-funny For July 15, 1012
Hello...and welcome to the psychiatrist hotline...
- If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly;
- If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you;
- If you have multiple personalities, please press 2-4-5-and 6;
- If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are, and what you want. Just stay on the line, so we can trace this call;
- If you are a schizophrenic...listen to the little voice, that will tell you which number to press;
- If you are a manic-depressive...it doesn't matter which number you press...nobody will answer;
- If you are a phobic...don't press anything;
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Copyright; 2012; Jerry Aragon; The Humor Doctor;