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Pornographic Poetry
© March, 2008 - Tom Hyland
If it were possible, I would classify the following assortment of various and sundry Brain Droppings as -
A Comparison and Contrast.
Perhaps the Product of a Sick, Sick Mind?
Or rather, things that you have personally Thought About,
But were Afraid to Admit?
Maybe you don’t have the Intestinal Fortitude to
Commit them to paper or pen personally?
Could it be you are just - Chicken?
Perhaps I am just a Dirty Old Man who,
At age Sixty-Seven, simply isn’t - Getting Enough?
Sleep, that is! SURE! That Must be it!
Anyway, let us “Test the Waters” so to Speak:
When I was a Child, I spake as a Child,
When I became a Man, I got HORNY!
Some of these thoughts are Gender Sensitive,
Others are merely Representations of Sound and Sense,
Meaning simply - if it Feels Good - DO IT!
There may be No Rhyme - No Reason,
After all, isn’t that what Free Verse is all About?
Can a Pun be Fun?
Or is it just Teasin’?
Mary had a little …
And she LIKED IT!
Mary had a little Lamb …
And the Doctor Fainted!
Mary had a little Lamb …
And she tied it to the Heater,
Every time he turned Around,
He burnt his little …
Testicles!
He Said:
You Bitch! You Slut! You Whore!
Terms of Endearment?
She Said:
You Bastard! You Pig! You Dick!
This is the Normal Thought,
But sometimes not actually Verbalized,
The Usual Result of a Unilateral Orgasm!
Bilateral, on the other Hand,
Is more like:
Oh god! Oh God! OH GOD!
More! More! MORE!
This One is normally accompanied with
Scar Marks on your Back from
Long, Piercing Fingernails!
Then there’s the “Fake it ‘til you Make it”
Routine - like in, Sixty-Eight -
You Do me and I’ll Owe you One!
Then, there’s the One for Pet Owners:
Old Mother Hubbard went to the Cupboard
To get her poor dog a Bone,
When she bent Over,
It was too much for Rover,
So he gave her a Bone of his Own!
AKA - HUMPING!
Regarded as an Anti-Social Act,
Which is a NO-NO!
Who’d a Thunk?
Then, there’s the Cute little song about a Pussy:
While the exact lyrics escape me at the moment,
It is to the effect of using the element of Surprise to
Catch you with Obscene Dangling Participles, like:
Poor Pussy! Wet Pussy! Hot Pussy! Et Cetera -
And Ends With:
Just a Friendly Little CAT!
When sung in a Bar at Karaoke,
The “Ladies” just really LOVE IT!
Well, Those that Cuss like Sailors, Anyways!
Little Jack Horney
Sat in a Corney.
Reading his Porney -
Stuck in his Thumb,
Pulled out a Numb Plumber,
And said:
OMG - I GOT E.D.!
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a Tuffet
Eating her Kurds and Whey -
Swelled up like a Balloon,
And learned not too Soon,
She was Allergic to Gluten!
OR - Was she just another PREGGIE?
Yeah, yeah, I Know -
Curds should be with a C -
But it Could have Been
Shiites, or Sunis Even?
Tell me THAT AIN’T SICKO!
How Now Brown Cow Art Thou?
“Wad’da you think, Stupid -
If YOUR Tits were in a Wringer?”
I Had to Laugh to See a Calf
Walk Down the Path,
A Mile and a Half,
To Take a Bath!
Now That’s a Real Gem - so I won’t Mess with It!
Humpty-Dumpty Sat on a Wall,
Humpty- Dumpty had a Great Fall,
Anyone for SCRAMBLED EGG?
We have: Bacon, Ham, and Sausage -
You want some Dead Pig?
OUCH!
Yankee Doodle went to Town,
Riding on his Pony,
Stuck his Hand in his Pants,
And Heaved out a Huge Baloney!
Then there was Jack and the Beanstalk -
Who traded a Cow for some Magic Beans,
Stole the Goose that Laid the Golden Eggs -
And the Giant Creamed in his Jeans!
Fee - Fie - Foe - Fum -
Look out you Rat Bastard,
Here I Come!
Jack employed a Chop-Chop or Two,
With his Chopper,
Then - Wham - Bam - Damn - a Grave!
The Home of the Whopper!
The Gingham Dog and the Calico Cat,
Side by side, by the Table Sat!
The ensuing Fornication,
Amidst Mayhem and Tribulation
Produced a Litter of Striped -
Polka-Dotted Dalmations!
Hickory-Dickery-Dock -
The Mouse Knocked Up the Clock -
The Clock Struck Ten,
So he did it Again,
But the Cuckoo Was
In a State of Shock!
Spected Sumpin’ Else - Didn’t Jah?
Did You Pee Yourself Yet?
Mary had a cute little …
Suzie - so I Ate IT!
Then, there’s the Story Of -
Fellatio and Cunnilingus -
One was a Montague,
T’other a Capulet,
Two Star-Crossed Lovers,
Who loved to Pet!
But, Woe-Hoe - Tragedy!
Tho’ They Both Died -
Both Were Still Wet!
Yes, Virginia - Ole W.S. is Turning Over in his Grave!
Sorry, Will - but I Found my Thrill
On Blueberry Hill,
She did Shriek and Shrill
But Suck-Combed to my Will!
Is there a DR or an EMT in the House?
If So, Please Go,
And give CPR to the Mouse!
Then, there’s that Cute Little Guy,
The Man in the Boat -
When Wiggled and Wobbled,
He Sure Does Gloat!
Half a League, Half a League,
Half a League Onward,
The Expert Fisherman, the Master Baiter,
If Honest, could Tell -
Yoicks! It Really WAS Swell!
Some Fairytales are Cute,
But Mine are Fractured,
And Somewhat Wacky -
Just Goes to Show,
A Warped Mind Needs No Crackie!
Adieu - Adieu -
To You, and Yew, and Ewe!
Parting is Such Sweet Sweet Sorrow -
Perhaps They’ll Take Me Away Tomorrow?
© - TKH
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YOu have a way with words Tom! Glad I stayed to sing and read along!
Write ON!
I like it like that!... That's where it's at Route 69....
Warmest of Blessings and Inner Peace, Warrior Purple Passion Lady Sheexoooo
Stay Positiive! P.S. I swear you're in 'Mania' and if you are - PLEASE! Take me there too, sounds like a hell of whirlwind ride, I wouldn't want to come down! Ahhhhh... You gettin' catchy and I'm a gettin' itchy!
TINKA - takes TWO to .... TANGO!!
Love Tinka
R~