Critter Wars

I chalk it to love of watching birds,

Hard war I’ve incessantly waged,

Birding pleasure under-girds

Entitlement not easily assuaged.

 Problem I state without ambivalence,

There are more than birdie friends

That put sights on feeder contents —

Care damn little if container bends.

I speak here of squirrels and bears —

My birdseed they want in their gut.

Their only immediate cares —

Forthwith satisfaction of glut.

First sad event would twin feeders be,

Mounted on a pole about head height,

Commotion ‘fore daybreak brings me

Skivvied, to the porch with bright light.

Play beam on edge of the woods,

Blaze orange flares stare back mean,

Black behemoth has got the goods,

Eating seed, not happy being seen.

At my light’s insistence, leaves feast,

But it’s not into the woods he heads,

Comes after me, growling, the beast,

I get back in the house for threads.

Daylight, I’m seeing my means to feed,

Rather, I should say, what was left,

Crunched to smithereens to get seed,

Not a piece big enough to heft.

I replaced them with expensive hopper,

Holds four gallons of seed in the breach,

Electronics that act as squirrel popper,

Hung it from clothesline out of reach —

I thought. But outside, in window’s light,

Feeder bounces without obvious cause,

I aim hand held flash on interesting sight,

Standing, near invisible, gripping paws.

Bear zapped, turns loose, grabs again.

Dances ‘til my shouts he can hear,

Off he goes, knowing surely he’ll win.

Wire raised, but again he’d appear,

Laxity let the wire droop some,

One daybreak, past windowsill,

There he is on his big black bum,

Scooping spill, and eatin’ his fill.

The feeder just lay in the yard,

Unharmed, bent as it bumped,

Grabbed it, pulled down hard,

Hook bent, so it dumped.

Bear quit eating, left in a huff,

I retrieved feeder, repaired it well.

Hung high, to make safe my stuff,

Seems it worked, best I can tell,

For, other than episode with ladder,

Where he hauled himself on the roof,*

He’s a wiser bear, and a bit sadder,

Pleasing me, has been more aloof.

About squirrels that says nothing —

They’re entertaining and very cute,

Cavorting, delightful joys they bring,

Quite spiffy in their fuzzy gray suit.

But are really an aggressive pest,

When to feeder they get access,

They wildly gnaw with such zest,

It shreds the feeder to a mess.

Electronics bothered them a while,

They stayed well away for a bit,

But with impudent cunning and guile,

Learned to absorb and ignore the hit.

Hanging it from a wire fixed it cheap,

Except it was too close to the roof,

They’d get on the house and leap,

It was very far from squirrel proof.

So a feeder roof I devised, quite hip,

Of slick sheet metal pitched steep,

They’d land on it and lose their grip,

Fall to ground in frustrated heap.

But smarts in that ratty head abides,

For they learned to hang at the end,

Swing under and snag the sides,

I needed more, feeder to defend.

So I bit the bullet, moved the post,

Now their insane ravages I’d shunt,

So the little devils I’d no longer host,

Spaced too far for their aerial stunt.

A few made leaps from top of post,

They failed to reach their goal,

But fell a bit short at painful cost,

Yet it wouldn’t be excessive toll,

For post’s position fell a bit short

Of their determination to succeed.

Learned to arch, as a last resort,

Their mighty leaps to the feed.

Okay, so again I reject their flaunt,

Devise metal foil at top of post,

Their efforts to gnaw, I taunt,

Blocked — their goals were toast —

I hope. Of course, time will tell

If I’m any smarter than a bear,

Or if some obscure genetic allele

Built rodent brain extraordinaire.

Sunflower seed bring lots of friends,

I enjoy them all, their natural traits,

Yet must use any means to the ends

To separate feeder from ingrates.

Well, it’s cold out there, boys and girls,

The bear is off in some hole, asleep.

For now I’ve stymied gnawing squirrels,

Equanimity I’d like to keep.

Me or critters — fuzzy rodent pest,

Robbing, thieving, nocturnal bear —

In this little war — who’ll get the best?

I wouldn’t bet, I wouldn’t dare!

* My poem on AD, “Twinkletoes On The Roof”