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Donna Maris

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Blogs by Donna Maris

Bette Middler & Kiss My Brass
3/25/2004 9:32:35 PM

Tribute to the Divine Ms M. and Sophie Tucker Jokes!

The Divine Ms. M (you know that means ME TOO, right?) :) I had the pleasure of seeing Bette perform, in the Mid 70s, during her "Clams On the Half Shell" Revue..I loved her musical styling then and ever since... Who Knew she would turn out to have such a hot career, and remain the unique individual she is - with her bawdy, sexy romps about Sophie Tucker, her boyfriend Ernie and her girlfriend Clementine??.....You know I can see it like it was yesterday..sitting in the Minskoff Theater with my cousin Debby...I Will Never Forget YOU KNOW?????????......

...ANDDDDD I will never forget it you know, my boyfriend Ernie said to me "Soph, if you would learn to cook, we could fire the chef." I said to him "Ernie, if you would learn to f***, we could fire the chauffeur!"
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I will never forget it you know. My girlfriend Clementine is a filthy, vulgar ol' broad. Ah, she loves them dirty jokes. She rang me up the other day and said to me, "Soph, what do you get when you cross a male organ with a telephone pole?"
I said, "Clementine I've got no idea what do you get?"

She said to me "Soph, you get a humongous dick that wants to reach out and touch someone!" ___________________________________________________________

I will never forget it you know. Doorbell rang the other day, answered the door and there was a delivery boy there with two dozen roses. I grabbed the card I opened it,
it said "Love, from your boyfriend Ernie"

I was having tea with my girlfriend Clementine. I said "Clementine, do you know what this means? For the next two weeks I'm gonna be flat on my back with my legs wide open." Clemintine says to me "What's the matter, ain't you got a vase?"
___________________________________________________

I will never forget it you know... I was hangin' out my laundry the other day, minding my own goddamn business, when my girlfriend Clemintine leaned over the picket fence.

She said to me, "Soph, how come you always know when to hang out your laundry, and don't get stuck in the rain like the rest of us do?" I said to her, "Clemintine,

it's a perfectly simple disposition. When I wake up in the morning the first thing I do is roll over and look at my boyfriend Ernie. If it's laying on the right, I know it's going to be a sunny day. If it's laying on the left, I know it's gonna rain."
Clemintine said to me, "Soph, suppose it's standing straight up in the middle?" I said to her, "Clemintine, who the hell wants to do laundry on a day like that anyway?"
____________________________________________________
ANDDDDDDD...I will never forget it you know, my boyfriend Ernie was suffering from silentgas emissions. I sent him to the doctor. He said "Doc, you gotta help me, I'm suffereing from silent gas emissions. Last night at the opera I had 10 silent gas emissions, this morning at breakfast I had 2 silent gas emissions, and sitting here in this office with you I've had 5 silent gas emissions. What the hell am I going to do?"
"Well," said the doctor,
"the first thing we're gonna do is check your hearing."

___________________________________________________

Sometimes I like to go to the doctor myself. There's nothing wrong with me, I just enjoy the stirrups. One time I came home from a FABULOUS check up.

I said "Ernie, guess what? The doctor said I have the constitution of a 20 year old girl. He says I have the heart, lungs, and liver of a 20 year old girl." Ernie looked me up and down. He said "Hey, did he mention your 80 year old ass." I said "No, we didn't talk about you!"
____________________________________________________

I will never forget it you know, my girlfriend Clemintine was a lady of the evening...and the morning and the night and the noon. One night I overheard her negotiating with a customer. She said "That's going to cost you a hundred dollars." The customer said "A hundred dollars?! For heaven's sake, the Dutch bought the island of Manhattan for a mere $24."

"That's right," said Clemintine, "but Manhattan just lies there." ________________________________________________
I will never forget it you know. I was in bed one night with my boyfriend Ernie and he said to me, "Soph, how come you never tell me when you're having an orgasm?" I said to him, "Ernie, you're never around!"
____________________________________________________

I will never forget it you know, my girlfriend Clemintine in the height of her profession was a great great stripper, but she hated it so violently that she would have to run to confession in between shows. One day she completely forgot to put her shirt back on and she went into the church,

nipples to the wind. A young priest stopped her and said, "Madam you cannot come into the House of the Lord in that fashion." "But I have a divine right," Clemintine said. "Okay, your breasts ain't bad but you better cover your head," the priest said. Well, after confessoin Clementine was walking back and she slipped on a banana peel, her dress got caught on a nail then completely unraveleed as she fell down a flight of stairs. There she lay, quite, quite naked and quite comatose. A passing motorcyclist took pity upon her plight and put his crash helmet over her exposed groin. Then the doctor came and took a long look at her and said "We'll put her in the ambulance, but first we gotta get that cop outta there!"
_____________________________________________________

I will never forget it you know. I was in bed last night with my boyfriend Ernie and he said to me, "Soph, you got no tits and a tight box." I said to him, "Ernie. Get off my back!"
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I will never forget it you know. It was on the occasion of my eightieth birthday. My boyfriend Ernie bought for me a tombstone, and on that tombstone he inscribed: HERE LIES SOPH. COLD AS USUAL. Not being one to take that kind of thing lying down, I went out and bought Ernie a tombstone,and on that tombstone I had inscribed: HERE LIES ERNIE--STIFF AT LAST!

VISIT "MY DIARY" at My Website, for more Sophie Tucker:
http://www.donnamaris.com
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Two Quotes From Bette:

"You know, I wanted to leave you with the memory of the good beneath the gaudy, the saint beneath the paint, the pure little soul that lurks beneath this lurid exterior... but then again I figured:
F.U*C&K'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE!"
("A View From a BROAD")
____________________________________

"I love to work. I love the idea of putting a show together, and I love the idea of putting musical numbers together - and putting commentary together and character. I love that..I love it!! That's the only time I'm really alive. I never learned to relax. When I don't work, I feel half-alive..."I think that it's a celebration - that it's an examination, on a very superficial level, of things that are bad in life... But mostly it's a celebration of the things that are wonderful in life: toe-tapping music; flinging your body about and not caring where it lands and being physically irresponsible. It's being carefree for an hour and a half and happy-go-lucky..that's my favorite phrase for it -- it's joy...it's joy! It really is!! I always forget that..I can never keep that in my head..but that is what I always try to transmit...it's corny-- so damned corny, but so....so wonderful"

(Bette Midler from 1978 HBO's Up-Close)

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More Blogs by Donna Maris
• NY Rangers v. Pittsburgh Penquins - Friday, April 25, 2008
• New York Rangers - Round 2 - Friday, April 25, 2008
• Lord Of the Ice - Henrik Lundquist - Friday, April 25, 2008
• Hockey Playoffs- Part Deux ! - Friday, April 25, 2008
• Biggest Loser - Friday, April 25, 2008
• One Year Post Op: WLS Surgery - Tuesday, August 15, 2006
• Life after Weight Loss Surgery - Thursday, February 16, 2006
• HAPPY 2006!! Weight Loss Update - Sunday, January 8, 2006
• My Surgery for Weight Loss - Friday, July 29, 2005
• More Sophie Tucker Jokes - Monday, April 12, 2004
• If you like lawyer jokes... - Tuesday, April 6, 2004
• Another Funny Joke - Thursday, April 1, 2004
• Bette Middler & Kiss My Brass - Thursday, March 25, 2004
• DonnaMaris.Com / PoeticPleasures.Com - Monday, March 22, 2004
• A Naked Poem - - Sunday, October 26, 2003
• More Laughs =) - Tuesday, July 15, 2003
• Smiles and Laughs - Sunday, July 13, 2003
• A Summer Musing - Saturday, July 12, 2003