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Blogs by Donna Maris
More Laughs =) 7/15/2003 9:09:12 PM
Laughter sets the soul free.
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer, when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
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There is a bear. A big, thirsty bear. He's in Bilings, Montana. He goes into a bar, this thirsty bear does, and demands a beer.
"Gimme a beer."
The bartender tells the bear, "I'm sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear gits a bit annoyed. "I want a beer. NOW."
The bartender says, "Didn't you hear me? We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear is gettin mad. "ROARRR...I want a beer. I'm thirsty, and I've got the money."
The bartender roars right back: "We DON'T serve BEER to BOORISH BEARS in BARS in BILLINGS."
The bear is beyond mad. He's positively wild. :) He demands a beer. NOW. RIGHT now.
The bartender says, "What part of 'no' don't you understand??? We DON'T serve BEER to BOORISH, BULLYING BEARS in BARS in BILLINGS!!!!"
The bear says, "You see that woman sittin at the end of the bar? You don't serve me a beer...RIGHT NOW...I'm gonna go over there and eat her up. It will be YOUR responsibility" (tryin a little guilt trip).
The bartender says, "LISTEN TO ME CLOSE, BEAR: WE DO NOT SERVE BEER TO BOORISH, BULLYING, BELLIGERANT BEARS IN BARS IN BILLINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The bear keeps his promise: he goes to the end of the bar and *snap* *crack* *chompchompchomp*, EATS the woman that was sittin there!
The bear then says, "Are ya gonna give me that beer?"
The bartender says, "I can't BELIEVE you did that. We don't serve beer to boorish, bullying, belligerant bears in bars in Billings...especially if they are on drugs."
The bear says, "Heeeeeyyy...wait a minnit...I don't use drugs!"
The bartender says, "oh, YES, you do...because that was a barbitchyouate."
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A man tees off on the first green and hits the perfect shot -- a hole in one. He runs to the green to retrieve his ball and when he does out comes a genie. "I am the genie of the first green. For getting a hole in one I shall grant you one wish." Without giving it a second chance the guy wishes for a big dick. The genie says wish granted then disappears. Well, the guy looks down into his pants only to find no change. "Oh well,I came to golf so I'll finish the round." As he completes each hole he begins to notice a change -- his dick IS getting bigger. In fact, by the time he finishes the 18th hole he has to tuck it in his sock. "Look at me. I'm a freak. I can't stay like this. I've got to do something about this." So he goes back to the first green and again hits a hole in one. This time when the genie arrives the guy says, "I wish for longer legs." ========================= what is the first thing a blonde does when she wakes up in the morning? puts her clothes on and goes home. ==========================
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me...I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ..........." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
=============== WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU HAVE A ROOM FULL OF LESBIANS AND LAWYERS? YOU HAVE A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE THAT DON'T DO DICK.
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GUY WALKS INTO A BAR, SITS DOWN, AND ASKS, "BARTENDER, GOT ANY SPECIALS TODAY?"
BARTENDER SAYS, "YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT WE HAVE A NEW DRINK INVENTED BY A GYNECOLOGIST PATRON OF OURS.
IT IS A MIX OF PABST BLUE RIBBON AND SMIRNOFF VODKA."
