A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow-jobs!" "Blow-jobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... no more blow-jobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she awoke to the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing noises. She went downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied,"If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone!"

*****
A parrot's owner took him to a vet to get him laid. The cost was $100 and they paid it. The parrot and his young pretty female bird were then put in a nice room all alone, but within minutes all you could hear was sqauking and a lot of banging around in there. The vet and the owner of the parrot opened the door to inquire as to what was going on, to there surprize the male parrot was on top of the female, plucking out every beautiful feather she had, turning around and looking at the two men he squalked, "Well damn it for a hundred bucks, I want the bitch naked."

******

A girl walks up to a ice cream stand and says "I want chocolate ice cream." The man working the stand says "I'm sorry mam, we are all out." So she says "Well, then I'll take chocolate." "Mam, please spell the Straw in strawberry." She spells it right "The Van in vanilla" She spells this correct also. "Please spell the f*** in chocolate." "There is no f*** in chocolate!" She says.

"I know that's what I've been trying to tell you!" He says
*****


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping. After laying in his sleeping bag for a while, Sherlock Holmes turns to Watson and says, "Dear friend, would you do me one favor and look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce?" So Watson does and he responds, "Well, i see thousands of stars, so i deduce that there are probably thousands of solar systems with planets of thier own." Sherlock asks, "What else dear friend?" Watson thinks, then replies, "I guess if there are that many planets, then I deduce that there is probably life out there somewhere." To this Sherlock shakes his head in dissapointment and says, "Watson, Watson, Watson, what I wanted you to figure out is what happened to our f***ing tent !!

*****

A priest in a small rural town was very fond of the ten chickens and one handsome cock he kept in a hen house behind the rectory.

One Saturday night the priest discovered that the rooster was missing.

At the same time the priest heard rumors of cockfights being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Sunday Mass.


During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you will confess to sporting a handsome cock?"

All the men stood up.


"No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you will confess to having seen a handsome cock?"

All the women stood up.



"Oh, no," he said. "That's not what I mean, either. Who among you will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?"

Half the women stood up.


"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen my cock?"

All the choir boys stood up

*****

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has
spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed..

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000.. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.


The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest BOOBS.

Men are like that, you know.