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Robert A. Mills

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NUMBER, PLEASE . . .
5/12/2009 5:55:25 AM

Willy Moncrief fancied himself something of a self-educated political scientist. When he heard on Fox News that Supreme Court Justice David Souter was retiring, he rushed over with a six-pack of Dortmunder’s Lite Dark Lager to share the news (if not his beer.)

“I knew he would never last a lifetime,” he said, avoiding as much as possible words that contained the “th” sound, which, being Irish, he was unable to say. Think came tink, the became tuh or duh, thought was taught, and so on. “But not to worry, laddie. A judicial appointment is no problem. I’ve a easy solution for Mr. Obama, himself. Wouldja have a bottle open’r handy?”

Rummaging in the kitchen junk drawer, I was intrigued to learn what “easy solution” he’d concocted. “What ‘easy solution’ have you concocted?” I asked.

“Simple,” Moncrief assured me; “right under his nose, it is! Think back on history. Think of all the great teams there been in gover’ment. Who woulda been better in Lincoln’s court than ole Steve Douglas? Ulysses Grant coulda axed Robert E. Lee—FDR shoulda pegged Eleanor—Harry Truman coulda done worse than Doug MacArt’ur—Nixon shoulda tapped Carl Bernstein—Bush coulda had Rove—”

I wondered how much Dortmunder’s he’d consumed before coming over.

“Nary a drop!” Moncrief asserted, sheepishly offended. “I just doan want the President ta go off half cocked. I want him ta pick the right person.”

“And whom would that be?” I inquired.

“Well, stop an’ think: it’s right unner his nose. Mahatma had his Indira—Ronnie had his Nancy—Hamlet had his O’Feelya—Caesar had his Cleo Awards—Hannity has his Coulter. . . . Wot’s Mr. Obama got?”

I knew what was coming, and I wondered if I should just go ahead and open a Dortmunder for myself. “You don’t mean . . . ”

“Why not?”

“You can’t be serious . . . ”

Moncrief reached over and took the opener and the beer from my trembling hand. “Michelle Obama,” he said softly, “would make the perfect Supreme Court justice. Jus’ think about it: Here come duh judge! She’s a lawyer already an’ knows the Constitution inside an’ out—she’s a female, ta boot, an’ a minority—plus she’s got more’n fifty years ta go on her! She’d still be wearin’ that robe with the frilly white collar when all the rest is buried an’ forgot! Also—an’ this is key—her husband’s gotta be outta the White House by 2017, but she could keep him in Washington ‘til 2059! Shoot, he could pro’bly get a job teachin’ at Howard’r someplace! Lemme use yore phone!”

I wanted to know whom he was calling, and he said, “You’ll see.” He dialed 1-202-456-1414; on the third ring someone answered. Moncrief said, “May I speak ta the President, please? . . . Yes, o’ course—this is, uh, Brian Cowen, prime minister o’ the ole sod. . . . No, no, really, ‘tis me. . . . Well, then, could I leave a message? . . . Hello? . . . Hello? . . . . Hmm. Rather harsh o’ her ta just hang up on meself like that. I thought me imitation o’ Cowen was purty good!”

It puzzled me where he’d gotten the White House phone number. “State secret,” he told me. “Point is, if the man appoints Michelle. it’ll drive John Roberts an’ Scalia over the edge. The pro-lifers’ll use their own guns ta shoot each utter!”

I shook my head. “Bad idea,” I said. “Besides, what about Clarence Thomas?”

“Aye, you’re right, laddie,” Moncrief sighed, reaching for the last beer. “He’s gonna think she’s really somebody else and wot goes aroun’, comes aroun’—an’ he’ll hang in there outta spite to his last breath! Plus he’ll only be a hundred twenty-three in 2059!”

Willy Moncrief and the Dortmunder were both gone within an hour, but I was still concerned where he’d gotten the White House phone number. I was reluctant to hit “redial” for fear the FBI would soon be pounding on my door—so I called Moncrief instead. “I must know,” I pleaded. “Where’d you get that phone number?”

Moncrief grunted loudly. “Where ye think, ya dork? Inna Yellow Pages, pline oz die!”

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