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Blogs by Robert A. Mills
PERSONAL DISCOVERY CHANNEL 6/5/2009 9:59:14 AM
There was a newspaper columnist back in the ‘50s and ‘60s whom I very much admired and read whenever possible. Unfortunately, though he wrote for a New York newspaper, I cannot for the life of me recall his name—no, it wasn’t Murray Kempton, but he was of the same era.
Anyway, he often wrote about, as he said, “things he uncovered while looking for something else.” I became fascinated by that, and for me, it has developed into an art form. For example, I recently wanted to draw a map of the USA and I discovered more than half of our entire coastline is in Alaska!
I learned that the Amazon rain forest produces more than 20% of the planet’s oxygen supply—and on top of that, so much of the Amazon spills into the Atlantic that fresh water is prevalent 100 miles out from the mouth! Amazed? You shouldn’t be; the volume of water in the Amazon is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all the rivers on Earth!
Thinking about my next vacation, I was informed that Antarctica is the only land anywhere that is not owned by any country. When I applied for a visa, they just laughed at me. I asked if I’d have any trouble getting a cold drink, and I found out 90% of the world’s ice is in Antarctica. Sounds crazy, but Antarctica is essentially a desert: annual precipitation is 2 inches. Despite being covered 99.6 in ice, it’s the driest spot we have—the absolute humidity is lower than the Gobi Desert! Go figure.
So I decided maybe Canada was better for me. After all, Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. It should. Canada is an Indian word meaning 'Big Village,'
And what self-respecting Big Village is not on a lake!
Then there’s always Chicago. I could be very happy there, since next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world (not being Polish I would stand-out.) Maybe, on second thought, it’s off to Detroit, the Auto Capital of the World—and why not? Woodward Avenue is labeled M-1, the first paved road anywhere!
Well, maybe I’d learn more in Damascus, Syria. After all, it was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC, making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence.
Then, there’s always Istanbul, Turkey—it’s the only city in the world located on two continents!
But Los Angeles is a place I haven’t been since researching my novel about Hollywood. Los Angeles’ full name is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula—but like everyone else, I abbreviate to 3.63% of its size: L.A.
Being an invariant homebody, I could go visit my granddaughter in New York City. She’s always said I’d love ‘The Big Apple,’ a term I found was coined by itinerant jazz aficionados of the ‘30s who referred to any city as ‘the apple.’ Hence to get a gig in NYC was Big Time, and you were really hip if you got to blow a few bars in ‘The Big Apple.’
After all, there are more Irish in NYC than in Dublin and Galway combined; more Italians than in Rome; more Jews than in Tel Aviv!
Of course, I could just go back to the land of my birth: Ohio. Naw, forget it: there are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio—every one is man made. River wading is not for me.
I know! Pitcairn Island! The smallest island with country status and it’s just 1.75 sq. miles/4,53 sq. km. large. Interpol will never find me there!
Come to think of it, I’ve never been to Rome. It’s the first city to reach a population of 1 million people (way back in 133 BC) But no, there is a city called Rome on every continent. . . . Maybe Siberia. Lousy climate, but it has more than 25% of the world's forests. That’s why the gulags are there: tress grow faster than dissidents can cut them down!
The next place I ran across was S.M.O.M. I thought it was something to eat, but actually it’s the smallest sovereign entity in the world: the Sovereign Military Order of Malta (S.MO.M.) It is located in the city of Rome and has an area the size of two boccie ball courts, and a population of 80-about 20 less people than the Vatican. But it’s a sovereign entity under international law, just like the Vatican.
Considering all the rain this spring in Atlanta, I gave serious thought to the Sahara. I ran across a town named Tidikelt, which has not received a drop of rain in ten years. Technically though, as I mentioned earlier, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island. It hasn’t rained there for 2 million years!
I scratched Spain off my list. The name literally means “the Land of Rabbits.” Bugs Bunny claims to have founded the Prado. Ditto St. Paul, MN. It was originally called Pig's Eye, after a man named Pierre “Pig's Eye” Parrant who set up the first business there. (Swine flu vaccine?)
Also Brazil. It was named for the nut, not the other way around.
Getting back to a driving vacation, what about good roads? In the U.S. only 1% of the roads are unpaved. 75% of Canadian roads are still dirt.
Sightseeing? The deepest hole ever made is in Texas. It is as deep as 20 Empire State buildings—but only 3 inches wide (what the hell were they drilling for?) Here in America the Eisenhower Interstate System requires that one mile in every five must be flat and straight. These sections are usable as airstrips in times of war (say what?) or other emergencies.
Waterfalls? The water of Angel Falls (the world's highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet (979 meters). That’s 15 times higher than Niagara Falls (been there, seen that: Niagara Falls, I mean.)
All things considered, I think I’ll stay home and trim the hedges. Look at the money I’ll save.
