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Robert A. Mills

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Blogs by Robert A. Mills

ONLY AS OLD AS YOU FEEL 7.18.09
7/17/2009 8:08:27 AM

Friday, July 17, I reached a milestone for the Mills clan: I became 78 years old (546, according to Sam, our Bichon Terror,)-- to my knowledge, the eldest male member of my side of the immediate family to make it this far -- and in reasonably good health.

No endocrine maladies or neurotic idiosyncrasies, no burdensome prescription meds -- well, I do take 81 mgs of aspirin daily to prevent heart attacks and strokes (they must work; haven’t ever had one.) Only see my doctor once a year for a general physical (his main concern is that I’ll outlive him.) Medicare loves me as they collect their $96.40 monthly premiums.

At last count, I have 1 wife, 3 children, 2 sons-in-law, 1 daughter-in-law, 5 grandchildren, 5 great-grandchildren, 1 brother, 2 sisters-in-law, 1 brother-in-law, a nonagenarian mother-in-law, and an assortment of nieces, nephews and cousins scattered from California to New York. My mother would have been 95 on July 12, but, alas, Jack and I have been orphans for twenty-five years. . . . If I missed anyone, sue me.

I love the old adage “You’re only as old as you feel.” That being the case, I’m 38. To what do I attribute my well-being? Simple. Everything in moderation. And what is moderation, you ask? Just do anything you want, whenever you feel like it. But pretend those who love you most are closely watching.

To save a tree and in lieu of a $4.95 Hallmark Card, an old girlfriend from high school (1944) with whom I still correspond sent me a litany of bon mots about aging I found amusing; I pass them on, tongue-in-cheek (sadly, my own):

Just before the service, the funeral director spoke to the widower. “How old was you wife?” he asked. “Ninety-eight,” replied the bereaved; “year younger than me.” “So you’re ninety-seven?” “Yep. Hardly worth going home.”

A reporter was interviewing a 100-year-old man. “What’s the best thing about hitting the century mark?” “No peer pressure,” was his reply. “Also, I can hide my own Easter eggs. I’ve had two by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, prostate cancer and diabetes, I’m legally blind, can’t hear a damned thing quieter than a jet engine, take forty different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation, can barely feel my hands and feet, and can’t remember if I’m 100 or 10. I’ve lost all my friends, but thank God, I still have my driver’s license!”

The walls in the bathroom in our Marietta home are covered with floor-to-ceiling mirrors, and I recently notice my body is getting out of shape. I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I signed up for a seniors’ aerobics class. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired like a pig for a full hour. By the time I finally got my jock strap on the class was over.

I have to admit, though, my memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory is not as sharp as it used to be. On top of that, my memory is not as sharp as it used to be. I have learned, however, how to prevent sagging muscles -- just eat until the wrinkles fill in. But it is scary when your body starts making the same noises as your coffee maker, and half the stuff in your shopping cart says “For Fast Relief.”

One of my great-grandchildren (the one who will be removed from the Will because he doesn’t believe that if there’s anything left, it will be because I’ve had a lousy time) sent me a plaque for my birthday. It’s called the Senility Prayer: “Lord, grant me the peaceful senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do -- and the eyesight to tell the difference.”

If you have five or six, maybe ten or two, people you can still count as friends, share this with them. Better still, just give it to a bunch of people, if you can remember who they are. Tell ‘em I said “Happy Birthday!”

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