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Robert A. Mills

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Blogs by Robert A. Mills

WHAT TO MY WONDERING EARS . . .
10/9/2009 12:28:43 PM

It was bound to happen sooner or later, but I was naïve enough to think it would never happen in my lifetime. The collapse of Lehman Brothers, Bank of America’s acquisition of Merrill Lynch, and the debacle at Goldman Sachs should have been the handwriting on the wall, but even as the particles of dust rose from the exploding auto industry to blind me that cash for clunkers might stop the inevitable, I knew Santa Claus was coming to town and we could no longer afford him.

I’m not talking about the absurd madness of facing debtors’ prison as we carry the banner that “it is better to give than receive,” of running up credit card expenses to buy gifts people don’t want, or drowning our kids in a sea of toys none appreciate or play with after we have left the room.

No, I’m talking about the Christmas gift that we’ll bitch about but buy anyway—the asinine fee malls will impose on us to buy children of all ages the titillating thrill of sitting on Ole St. Nick’s lap in that Styrofoam City of North Pole, USA, smack dab in the entrances to Macy’s, Friedman’s, the Gap, Victoria’s Secret, Sears and the ubiquitous Food Court.

The announcement was made Thursday, October 1, 2009 during the 6 PM news: “Phipps Plaza in Atlanta will be charging $15 for youngsters to sit on Santa’s lap this Christmas season to help offset the escalating costs of offering a brief visit with the Jolly Old Elf. Mall spokespeople say $10 of this will be credited toward the cost of keepsake memento photos.” Say what?

Our economy has sunk to this. Even people who don’t believe in Santa Claus or Christmas, people who have absolutely no interest in the birth and life of Jesus, people who think the Holiday Season is just an excuse to
prove to colleagues that you truly are a horse’s ass. . . .

Everyone who has ever seen a child’s face light up with sugar plums dancing in his head will say, “What the hell, Christmas only comes once a year—you folks take credit cards?” You bet they do!

Well, I for one am putting my foot down. My kids are all grown, married and gone, but my anger has reached the boiling point. I happen to believe in Santa Claus, and I’m as certain as I am that half my Christmas tree lights won’t work when we decorate the tree that there is a white haired old fatso up north someplace who makes toys and distributes them all over the world to deserving kids between sunset on December 24 and sunrise December 25. How? How do I know? Do I look like Charlie Dickens or Clem Moore?

Not in your wildest dream. But . . . I do look like Mr. Claus. I have a white goatee that could be easily expanded and white hair that should grow shaggy in a few weeks; I’m not fat (exactly) but I am overweight. With a modicum of TLC from even an amateur makeup artist and adroit costumer, there is no youngster anywhere who could spend a few minutes with me and then not toss and turn Christmas Eve in anticipation of what wonders I’ll be leaving beneath the family shrub.

Here’s the deal: hire me to sit on the Garland Throne in your mall November 27 to December 23. Every child under 12 will be invited to come by and talk with me as reasonably long as possible—and parents, et al will be encouraged to bring their own cameras and take as many pix as they want. Mr. Mall may have professional photographers available and temporary elves to keep order, but they may impose no obligation whatsoever. And there will be no alms for the unworthy inside our Magic Wonderland—for any purpose.

Interested? Call me collect at the North Pole (or, better still, leave a note at AuthorsDen.com and one of my álfar will contact you.)

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