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Robert A. Mills

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MATH
1/18/2014 9:03:58 AM

I used to think there was a difference between mathematics and arithmetic, but that was probably before I failed Latin in high school.

Mrs. Thelma Cranberry was my Latin teacher that year, and I think she was genuinely surprised when I got an F on the final exam. Actually, truth be known, anything higher than a C- would have dropped her jaw to half-mast, and most of us would have giggled uproariously.

You see, vocabulary was my nemesis. And general declension was out of the question.

For Caesar’s sake, Robert, cannot you just memorize simple words? she would ask. And, she added, most verbs fall into only a few categories! How come you know all about Mark Twain, Victor Hugo and G. Edward Griffith, but you cannot grasp a simple verb tense?

Mrs. Cranberry had become senile. She had no way of knowing that just down the hall, in that same semester, I had dropped Algebra One after only four classes. If Latin was an elective, I could do without it. Algebra was a torment devised in Hell. Neither would be of any value to me after high school. Boy, was I wrong!

Mathematics, to my undeveloped mind, was just another foreign language to be rid of as quickly as possible. Do I regret it? You bet I do!

But there are some people — like me — who just do not get it. Oh, sure, two and two are five — but that is as far as it goes. 312 times 7 is . . . wait a sec, I left my calculator in my other pants!

It all came to a head last autumn, the day I got my monthly credit card statement.

SOP each month, I went over the invoice like it was an income tax form. One item caught my eye — a transfer back to me of over a thousand bucks. But it was listed as an expense, as well as a credit.

I promptly called the Customer Service 800 number, and lovely Candice said, Yes, that is right. You paid $1,082.17 twice — we received two checks from you in that amount — and we transferred one of them back to your bank account.

You did? Well, then why is it listed as an expense?

Well, she told me, it is also shown on the front as a credit. You have paid it already.

It is? I did?

Yes, she explained. Had we given it back to you, and then issued a credit and not charged for it, we would never recover our funds. Simple math.

But, I cried, I paid you twice!

True, she breathed, exasperated, but we gave you a credit, listed as both an expense and a credit. Mostly, as a credit. Do you understand?

I lied and told her I did. Of course, to my uneducated brain, there was no way I was not being royally screwed out of a grand by the credit card company. Rather than plead any further ignorance, though, I simply told the lovely Candice I would send in the full amount of the invoice, and that would be that. She was probably correct, but what do I know?

Upon reflection, I am delighted that all my children are math wizards in their own right. Credit card companies who thrive on dunning customers out of hard-earned dough will never plague them. Not even Target Co.,
which I never patronize, anyway. No, siree, by gum!

All three are well married to exemplary providers who not only handle the day-to-day bills of lading, but also seem to understand the nuances of high finance. At least, by my standards, and the standards of the credit card companies, they do.

My son and my eldest daughter’s husband are Eastman Kodak retirees who spent a lifetime avoiding the pitfalls of pecuniary particulars — my son has a partime job in a liquor store and he virtually runs the place while keeping them in business — and my youngest daughter is a living, breathing machine of methods and reasoning that comes with advanced arithmetical acumen. She was born with it, no genes imparted from me.

Of course, they are all literary demons with reading and writing skills that have no limits. Wonder who they got that from?

Robert A. Mills
Copyright© 2014, all rights reserved

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