Recently, I received a bunch of Jewish Haikus. Having never tried my hand at this art, I modeled my own after each haiku you see below:

1.

> Looking for pink buds
> to prune, the old moyel
> wanders among his flowers.
>
> *****

TOVA:
Looking for free log on,
to write, the new woman
wanders up Bankroft; pits smelling.

*****

2.
> > Testing the warm milk
> > on her wrist, she sighs softly.
> > But her son is forty.

T:
Smelling the red rose,
I sigh praise, with heart heavy.
My nose, it is running.
*****

3.
> The sparkling blue sea
> reminds me to wait an hour
> after my sandwich.

T:

The indian bread came
too late to sop up curry;
my empty plater.
*****

4.
> Tea ceremony --
> fragrant steam perfumes the air.
> Try the cheese Danish.
>
T:

Coffee too strong
air escaping in the cafe
Try the girls' bathroom.

*****

5.
> Lacking fins or tail
> the gefilte fish swims with
> great difficulty.

*****
T:

Lacking health or wealth
the jewish divorcee walks with
Godesses, not bitching.
*****

6.

> Jews on safari --
> map, compass, elephant gun,
> hard sucking candies.
*****
T:

Jewess leaving
home, cat, refrigerator.
Falafel, Celexa, O.J.

*****

7.

> Coroner's report --
> "The deceased, wearing no hat,
> caught his death of cold."
> >
> > *****
T:

Rabbi's report:
"The discharged, wears no body"--
this is California



8.
> The same kimono
> the top geishas are wearing:
> got it at Loehmann's.
>
*****
T:

The smart black shoes
my daughter gave me;
cheaper than new ones.

*****

9.

> The sparrow brings home
> too many worms for her young.
> "Force yourself," she chirps.

*****
T:

Son-in-law brings home
chocolate for my pleasure,
Daughter eats it, guiltless.


10.

> Jewish triathlon:
> gin rummy, then contract bridge,
> followed by a nap.

*****
T:

New-age trialthlon:
good food, skip dessert,
midnight snacking.



11.
> > "Can't you just leave it?"
> > the new Jewish mother asks --
> > umbilical cord.
> >
> > *****
T:

"Let me just try it,"
Mom stabs at my chicken
before I can.


12.
> The shivah visit:
> so sorry about your loss.
> Now back to my problems.

*****
T:

The jewish mystic;
"My blessings, beloveds!"
Don't forget the rent.


13.
>Our youngest daughter,
> our most precious jewel.
> Hence the name, Tiffany.

*****
T:
My beloved son,
smart, handsome too;
Just don't get her pregnant.



14.
> Mom, please! There is no
> need to put that dinner roll
> in your pocketbook.

*****
T:

Mom, please! There is no
need to ask me if I want
to take a shower.



15.
> Seven-foot Jews in
> the NBA slam-dunking!
> My alarm clock rings.
>
T:
Five foot Jewess
with a harem of men!
My teeth on the table.



*****
> Concert of car horns
> as we debate the question
> of when to change lanes.

*****
T:
Concert of trance music
he sets up my tent....I hope
that I won't get horny.




15.
> Sorry I'm not home
> to take your call. At the tone
> please state your bad news.

> > *****
T:
Sorry I've left home
and have no phone. No car,
please send me e-mails




16.
> Is one Nobel Prize
> so much to ask from a child
> after all I've done?
> >
> > *****
T:

Is one published book
so much to ask from the world
after laughing at me?



17.
> Today, mild shvitzing.
> Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.
> Five-day forecast: feh

*****

T:

Yesterday, cold New England
Today, cold then hot
flashes in California.


18.
> Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.
> Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah
> Oy! To be fluent!
*****
T:
Gevult, keep walking,
Mensch, Kennahora,
you'll loose weight.


19.
> Quietly murmured
> at Saturday services,
> Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.

*****
T:
Quietly murmered
before the hike,
I hope he paid the phone bill.
******

20.

> A lovely nose ring --
> excuse me while I put my
> head in the oven.
T:
Join you for a rave?
sure, just let me take
one more amphetamine.

*****
21.
> Yom Kippur -- Forgive
> me, Lord, for the Mercedes
> and all that lobster.


T:

Yom Kippur
Forgive
me Lord for confusing
Passover with Rosh Hashona