Unbelievably the events in this poem actually did happen.
when I worked in an Electrical shop in Coventry, many, many years ago.

I’ve been to my therapist
And he gave me some pills,
They are supposed to help to keep me calm,
And resist the urge to kill.

Not that I am violent,
At least I never was before,
I was made head of my department,
At a large department store.

The department I was head of
Was customer complaints,
And though they say, “The customer is always right”,
I can assure you all, they ain’t,

In fact to be quite honest,
They’re a pain in the backside,
Who think we have little else to do
But spend our precious time,

Explaining the complexities,
Of plugging in a lead,
While listening to their questions,
Until we think our ears will bleed.

I remember, not too long ago,
A customer came in,
With a lawnmower he’d dismantled,
And placed into a plastic bin.

He explained that he had purchased it,
Just fifteen years ago,
And calculated, it was used
About thirty times or so,

And since that was all it’s ever done,
He said, quite seriously,
He thought that it should be replaced,
Under its guarantee,

And he couldn’t seem to comprehend,
No matter how often he was told,
That the warrantee on mowers,
Is twelve months from the date they’re sold.

But he argued and he argued,
And in time got quite irate,
Saying, “I’ve been an engineer for fifty years,
So don’t argue with me mate”.

I thought, “Another bloody engineer,
What else could I expect”?
And I visualized him lying there,
With his mower wrapped round his neck.

I didn’t say that to him of course,
Because I was trained to be polite,
But mentally my hands were round his throat,
With my fingers squeezing tight.

So instead I gave a wicked smile
And said, “Might I suggest,
That you contact our head office”?
And I gave him their address.

That did the trick and off he went,
And three weeks drifted by,
Then once again, in he came,
With a smug look in his eye,

And a note from our head office,
Mentioning his case,
And demanding I apologize,
And his mower be replaced.

So of course I followed orders,
My apology perfuse,
I could have told them where to stick it,
But I thought, well what’s the use?

So instead I gave him his new mower,
And said “Shop with us again sir, please”,
But I could feel my left eye twitching,
As it does at times like these.


By

S.E.Ralph

12-4-2018