...excerpts of "process" letters between me and an ex....
Me: It was sneaky of you to take back your speakers when I was in the shower and leave, esp. after I told you I wanted to keep them.
Him:
Did you ever stop to consider that I was hurt? That I was offended?
Like the Panasonic Cordless Telephone and the Vintage Black Leather Jacket, I offered you the Stereo because it seemed wrong to have it sit uselessly in a closet gathering dust. I was hoping it would be enjoyed and appreciated.
When I saw that poor little Receiver sitting there on the shelf with it’s face rudely shoved against the wall... it’s vulnerable backside disgracefully exposed to the open room, it nearly broke my heart..seeing it’s once proud power cord and sensitive di-pole antenna all twisted and tangled in a heap on the floor was more than I could bear.
Where were the patch cords and speaker wires connecting it to other electronic components? Where was the music? Could I just leave it like that? I had no choice but to RESCUE it from an abusive negligent predicament.
Am I asking for recognition for some sort of selfless heroic act? Hardly.. the vision of those Speakers crammed up in the corner of the bookshelf haunts me, still. Perversely stacked on top of each other like some old forlorn black slaves forced to mate with their next-of-kin, those hapless motherf***ers suffer in pained silence..there they languish in ignominious neglect. A Real Hero would have saved them as well.
My point with this thing, Silly as it May Be, is Anything Can Be Justified!
Is my taking of the Receiver an act of integrity? Is this response an honest account of the facts or just an emotional reaction; a subsequent rationalization? ..Or maybe some of both?
Of course, I could also say that it Pushed My Buttons when I saw the Stereo in that condition, Yeah, that’s it.. you pushed my buttons, by disregarding my property!
What is the “purpose” of doing meditation and following Buddhist teachings?
Is it to learn to stop letting your “issues” trigger you? Is it to stop letting your “buttons” get pushed and wrecklessly taking it out on other people?
Maybe I should apologize for taking out my “issue” on you, by salvaging the receiver.
side note-(You have not responded to my offer to replace it, which adds to my impression that you never really wanted or needed it in the first place). Be that as it may..
My sincere wish for everyone concerned is to learn
not to dump their garbage
on others.
I love you, too.
Me:
Yes, I confess. I abuse plants and houses, And finally, those precious speakers you gave me. I deserve nothing. I should be stripped of it all until I can find the decency to care for those helpless material things that are crying for attention.
It is passive aggressive of me to think that what can be put off until tomorrow, should be. I am a helpless, self-soothing offender of men who only are here to help women who don’t appreciate help. We are the reason you guys live in basements and need meds. We demand too much. It is because of our own inability to satisfy ourselves, (our admitted penis envy). And how subtly rejecting of me to say a quick goodbye after you asked again for the speakers, to feel such compulsion to suddenly jump in the shower even before you got out the door. Now what kind of message does that give a man...? Hey, I feel so icky from your company need to wash myself?
No wonder you made off with what you could get. I can only be thankful you didn’t take more. I should have known you meant business the second time you asked for them back, and cut my losses but no, just like always, I had to push when the obvious thing to do was give thanks. I’ve been reduced to rubble.
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