Transfering old blog entries from a blog I'm deleting on another site. Grieving - 6/3/2004 5:16:47 PM
Thoughts About Death
My sister, my only sister, is dying. For almost a year we’ve prayed and hoped this time wouldn’t come when the drs said they can do nothing more and for her to prepare to die. At times like this your emotions alternate between being numb and wanting to scream in pain to the top of your lungs. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do when she called me today to tell me, so hard not to weep, to hold in the emotion when she asked me so pitifully, “Please don’t cry.” So I held it all in, until I hung up the phone and then I found it hurt so deeply the tears wouldn’t come. There’s no one here but me, and for some reason I think when you are hurting this deeply, it may be better to be alone, so you can process it all in your mind and emotions, without having to be strong or rational for someone else. Death is something we all know will come, we occasionally consider it, we wonder about it and some of us even accept it but we are never prepared for it to take someone we love from our sight. No, not even if we believe they will be in a better place, we selfishly want to hold them near us and fight death to the end. Perhaps in time, we can accept their absence but I wonder if we ever really can. Each person I have loved and lost has left a place in my soul, no one else can fill but in time the pain begins to fade and we remember the better times, the happier times when death wasn’t something we had to think about. God bless you my precious Sister and hold you near.
Goodbye - 6/5/2004 5:58:51 AM
Letting Go
Coping with sorrow, the specter of death of a loved one, is one of the very hardest things we ever face in life. The potential absence of someone we love wounds our heart and tears our mind. We all know that death is a part of life, we know it philosophically but experientially, it ravages our soul with questions and pain. Letting go is a paradox, too difficult to contemplate and yet when we arrive at the realization that further time will only yield further suffering we can say goodbye and hope that soon peace and absence of pain will be found. When this place of resignation is reached, it’s too late for sweet sentiments, or religious platitudes, it’s the time for the simple words “I love you” along with deeds of tender, caring hands that prove the words.
Better - 6/7/2004 7:32:13 AM
Coping
It's always been amazing to me what the human spirit can cope with when forced to! I am feeling much better today and would like to thank all of you for your kind words and your prayers for my sister and family. Yourlove and friendship means so much to me. I'm taking a step at a time, a day at a time, dealing with the sorrow, finding things to be thankful for and inspired by. There is always something beautiful to contemplate and rejoice in, even in the darkest of times. The good in life usually outweighs the bad for most of us, we just sometimes fail to recognize it.
Living Memorial Services - 6/14/2004 9:47:35 AM
The Best Way To Remember
Isn't it strange how when we are with someone we love who is dying, we find ourselves laughing about things we shared and hadn't thought about for years! I believe it must be a part of the grieving and releasing process; a sort of memorial service for the living and the dying. I personally think this would be the best way to say goodbye, a day or more of sitting together, reverie, tears and laughs shared as we tenderly let go together of the past and anticipate the unknown, but just as real, future. I spent a day with my dying sister doing just this and even if I never attend a memorial service or funeral, I have a deeply spiritual and satisfied feeling of having said goodbye...perfectly.
On Being A Mother - 5/26/2004 6:15:06 AM
A Sacred Love
I can remember so many details of when I carried my children under my heart, I even remember the nights they were conceived. Details of their births and how they looked and felt when first placed in my arms are forever etched in my memory. There is just something about a mother’s love that is unlike any other love on Earth. I’ve always heard that mother love is closest to God’s love and I believe that must be true. It is certainly the most unselfish love, the most protective, the most unconditional. I miss my sons so much now and memories of the things we did together when they were growing up often come to mind at the most unusual times. I have never been a person who wanted to turn back time, but I can’t help but wish I had a few more days, or years with little ones at my feet. I still like to mother things, grandchildren, puppies, stray cats, people who are hurting and have lost direction in life and I don’t believe you have to have given birth to be in every sense of the word a “Mother.”
Creature Comforts - 5/24/2004 6:22:42 AM
Your Can Learn A Lot From...
I think if we allow ourselves to, we can learn valuable life lessons from the creatures around us. Take my puppy, for instance, Jake. Jake is a five month old Jack Russell I adopted from the animal shelter. When he first came to share my home several weeks ago, he was so underfed that I could count each rib. Every meal was devoured like it was his first and last, and yet he would stand back and let my other two Jack Russells eat before him. He would suck up the dregs in the bowl, but eventually he learned that I would prepare another full bowl for him. It made me think about how, the times we are in want we have to believe that soon a full bowl will appear to end our hunger. He was never taught to walk on a leash and since he is uncontrollable on a collar he now is the proud owner of a new red harness which he sports on our afternoon walks together. Animals are so flexible, so pliable to their surroundings, whereas we humans beat our heads against stone walls instead of creatively adapting to and changing our worlds. Wild Jake, as he is affectionately known, had been neglected so long that he had no idea how to fetch a ball or enjoy a chew toy, pleasures he had now been introduced to and shamelessly indulges in. We can learn the art of joy, but first we have to be exposed to it! He was so excited whenever a human hand came near to touch him, that he would bound like a small, white kangaroo and jump several feet into the air sometimes colliding with the head of the one bending down to pet him. With loving care and a lot of tender touches he now lies on my lap and calmly enjoys my attention. Give some attention and affection to someone who may act like they don’t deserve or know how to handle it, they may be acting that way because they’ve had so little respect or love. We can learn a lot from a Jack Russell. Someday Jake may actually not wet on my feet from excitement when I touch him, for now I guess some things are worth getting pissed on.
Emotions - 5/27/2004 6:03:59 AM
The Common Thread Of Humanity
No two people ever experience exactly the same situations and environment in life. All people do, however, experience emotions. At an early age we become familiar with joy, sadness, anger, love, fear and a myriad of other emotions and shades of them. In being a writer of substance it is imperative to remember that emotion is indeed the common thread that binds together all humanity. If you can touch human emotions, you will touch souls and lives with your words and if you touch souls you will be read. Some people go through a lifetime having never known the positive emotions of joy and love but I would dare to say there is not a person who has lived and not experienced pain. Pain is the most common and connective emotion of life, if you know how to release the pain you have experienced to the page, you will possibly become a great writer, and able to ascend to the heights of joy, from the depths of despair. You will be able to write the entire gamut of human emotion and make your readers actually “Feel” what you write. If I read a poem or story and the element of emotion is missing, it seems stale and unpalatable to my mind and my emotions, lacking in connection and honestly, scarcely worth the time to read it! Some people are afraid of emotion, afraid to feel it, afraid to express it; but with effort even those who do not freely express emotion can train themselves to feel and express it in writing. A good place to begin is to think of the most joyful, or painful, feelings you have ever had, what brought them on? Exactly how did they feel? Think of the words that best express them. Now write something reflecting the emotion. If you practice this regularly it will become easier with time to write with greater and more honest emotion.
The Day After - 6/1/2004 4:55:52 AM
Memorial Day Aftermath
Well it's the day after Memorial Day. It's good to remember and appreciate the ones who sacrificed for their country. Some died, some were POWs, they are considered war heroes. Some came home, with unseen wounds from things too inhuman for any human to experience; they are considered war criminals and social misfits. Some returned home, still POWs serving a life sentence in the prison of pain, physical and emotional. I lived through the Vietnam era. I loved someone who fought in that unfortunate war. I personally experienced the ravages of war for a lifetime; so pardon me if I can't get too excited about a new war or wave a flag like a zealot in support of our troops. I personally appreciate each person in military uniform, I pray each day for their safety and speedy return home but I DO NOT, WILL NOT, support this war that is going to cost us more than most of us can even begin to imagine at this stage. Expose all you want, the cruelty and twisted beliefs of the "Enemy" but remember they are on the other side of the world practicing whatever beliefs they have for centuries. Remember that atrocities and cruelty existed in these countries for centuries and America was totally unconcerned about it, until it touched her. It is not a war of liberation we are fighting, it is one of retribution and domination. If we are there to liberate the people of that nation, why did it take us hundreds of years to show concern for their plight? While we are concentrating on fighting a war on foreign soil, terrorism continues to grow underground here at home. What would happen if we turned our attention and monetary resources toward homeland security, rather than trying to restructure a foreign nation, that will only fall into the same pattern when we withdraw...billions of dollars and thousands of lives later? It's time to move beyond what some may think of their religion or it's practices and take care of pressing business here, of ending domestic terrorism, poverty, inferior and prohibitively expensive health care, abuse in any form. How can we even begin to think we can heal the wounds of another nation when America is bleeding to death and apparently too weak to implement the treatment needed to heal our domestic diseases. Warlike people never listen to reason, and it always costs lives, but it's usually not the lives of those so intent on waging war. Some people won't like this, but it's still the truth. We are already a nation divided, over this war and its continuence, a divided nation is never as strong as a united one. Anger at each other and trying to force those with different views from our own to forsake their deepest feelings for the sake of unity, only widens the breach. Believe what you want about this war, I will respect you as a person, but tell me I am divisive or unpatriotic because I oppose it, then I cannot respect your stance.
Boring Women - 6/2/2004 10:13:20 AM
I'm Definitely Not One Of Them
Today I will do something I’ve been procrastinating about. Hmm, it will be a trial to select which procrastinated thing I should do first! I’m working hours a day now on my book and for the present, that’s my priority, getting this manuscript ready for the publisher. Maybe I’ll do some other things I’ve delayed today. My dogs would appreciate a bath, and so would I when I get near them. All the flowers need to be fertilized and there are a dozen things that need cleaning. I have little plaque on my refrigerator door that reads, “Boring women have immaculate houses,” in that case I suppose I’m a very exciting woman! Though I do keep things clean and comfortable, immaculate they are not. I always thought a home was for living in, not for just being admired like a page in “House Beautiful Magazine.” I wonder if journals are a waste of time!
Some Thoughts - 6/3/2004 2:09:28 PM
WhatThe World Revolves Around!
I’m writing this blog almost every day and wondering who might be reading it and how they feel about what they read. They say that you should write your very most intimate thoughts in a journal but I don’t think that applies to a blog that will be read by potentially hundreds of your friends who want to know what you REALLY think, enemies who want to find ammunition to hurt you and strangers, who just want to probe into someone’s… anyone’s mind. So I will spare you my most intimate thoughts, and spare myself the potential problems they might cause and try to just write some food for thought instead. Here’s some food for thought... I was thinking of this just today; can you name anything that is not political? Government, we all realize is political, but have you thought about businesses, religious organizations, all things pertaining to sports, law enforcement, poetry sites….My Lord, even dog shows are political! Whoever wines, dines and sometimes pays off the judge wins, that is, if the judge is one prone to take bribes. So it appears the whole world revolves around politics, no wonder it’s about to self-destruct!!
