6/9/05
If you want a very supeficial friendship, don't waste your time on me. Superficiality is a waste of time for all concerned, it will never sharpen the wits, melt the resistence or multiply the love. Only honesty and openness between two souls will satisfy and change them both. I may not tell my friends everything but you can bank on this, what I tell you will be straight from my heart and it will be the truth. I'm not a superficial person, can't function that way, don't want to.
6/13/05
Some people changed my life because they treated me like crap. They taught me to hide away in a shell and to deny myself the basic right to be myself. They taught me that unless I respect myself and demand respect I will never have any. They taught me that peace at any price is not peace at all. And then there are people who changed my life because they loved me, treated me as someone valuable, they taught me I am someone worth respecting. They taught me to open my heart and my spirit and that whatever pain might come along with the opening, I was strong enough to handle it.
6/14/05
Sometimes the heart feels too full to even express. Like mine does today. In a few days the emotions, the thoughts will trickle down my fingers into the pen or onto the keyboard but sometimes you just hold those things inside until you find the words to express them. Writers and especially poets are a strange breed. I read somewhere in a research report that poets die young because of the burden of emotions so varied, so intense they carry in their hearts. I would rather die sooner than to never experience the intensity of a poet.
6/15/05
Some sons of bitches are not worth the powder to blow them up. Best ignored like the odious little toads they are. When they still want something they couldn't have they try to devalue the thing they wanted. Love is a concept they are unable to understand, they know only lust and spite. Sick SOB's just need to get a life and leave the unobtainable out of it.
6/16/05
Guess almost everyone knows the character "Julia Sugerbaker" from the old sit-com "Designing Women" She was always my favorite character, I could identify with Julia. She always maintained this Southern Lady decorum but she was definitely a steel magnolia and Julia..well she could tell someone off with such style, such finesse, let me tell you it was impressive. I can just imagine her, in her most ladylike Southern Drawl saying "You odious little toad, why don't you just go to Haell" Now Julia could tell you to go to haell so eloquently you would ask her for directions. Guess I was having a Julia Sugerbaker moment yesterday. Sometimes I have to just laugh at my own "La Belle" character in this sit-com of life!!
6/19/05
Nobody's business but my own, how I live, what I do, who I do or don't love. I owe no one online any explanations of anything concerning my life or what I write. And personally I can't understand why anyone would care when they are so obviously on the OUTSIDE of my life and my affections. When they mean less to me than a dead man, what the hell difference should it make to them what I do or how I feel or who I am close to? Some people are so pathetic, they would have no reason to live unless they had someone to torture themselves over and accuse of the most vile of actions and lack of any character whatsoever. Just jealous of what they never had and can never have. Some people you can only be friends with under their own sick terms, so they make themselves your enemy by their own disrespect, foolishness and ignorant attempts at manipulation. Every time they lie and downgrade me, they are downgrading themselves more. Oh yes there are plenty of people who will take what they say at face value, and that's Ok, if they want to believe all those exaggerations and outright lies let them. I am free to be me, to write what I want, love whom I choose and I just really don't give a damn about their twisted little minds and self inflicted feelings.
6/20/05
I guess you would call it better, how I'm feeling today. I have found that when anger burns hot it's best to express it than to let it eat at you inside. Express it then move on with life in other more productive directions. I was taught for years that anger was a sin, to be controlled and even denied. Swallowed like a bitter potion that poisoned the insides. Took me years to realize that anger is a rightful emotion, if it is justified and its expression can be a very positive thing emotionally for the one expressing it and also to the one it's expressed toward if by some chance it causes them to look objectively at their actions and make positive changes. Today I can rest it, since it has been expressed and it no longer boils my blood. I am a patient person, takes a lot for me to feel anger to that degree, if you disrespect me you will be disrespected, if you push long and hard enough you will be pushed back.
I like solitude, and quietnes, always have. I enjoy being with compatible company but I never have a problem with spending time alone. I think the best of our souls becomes accessible when we quietly listen to our inner thoughts without distractions. Silence, for me, is truly golden. But today I thought about how the world around me is never really silent. This morning as I sit alone and write I can hear, a dog barking, someone mowing a lawn, birds singing, a troll motor on the lake, a pair of squirrels chattering just outside my study window, a bit of indistinguishable conversation from a neighbors yard. So the world is never really silent and it’s that harmonious noise of life that sets the perfect background for contemplation. That’s the difference in nature and foolish conversation. Nature sounds, muffled sounds of life embrace us and inspire us but useless conversation or exchanges of strife only block our creative and spiritual flow.
6/29/05
There is not enough money in the world to make me open my thoughts and the depths of my heart on a page. I don't write for money. I write because it's just who I am, a very intricate part of me that I share with the world. If I publish something and I make royalties on it, that's good, it's nice to get paid but it's not why I write. I believe that true artists, true poets and authors produce what they do out of the need to express their heart gifts, not to sell, that is never the ultimate goal of true art. I write primarily for me, to release the joy, the sorrow of my soul but the thought of my work touching other souls is also a strong impetus to write. Anyone who writes becomes immortal on the earth and of influence, for as long as their words are read.
6/29/05
Let it roll on by over and away from your spirit. Some things are not even worth a tear or a pain to the heart. I think that must be one of the major victories in life, learning to know which things are worthless and how to let them roll on by. You won't break or die from a small, insignificant little wheel mark on your back! Save your strength for the semi trucks.
7/1/05
This world is full of so many kinds of people but I think getting down to brass tacks we can divide them into two classes, the true and the false. The true can only and ever be just who and what they are, they are consistent in their actions and reactions and dealings with others. The false use smokescreens and any devious tactic they can to gain advantages and control over others. They probably don't even know who they are themselves and wouldn't know the truth if if jumped up and bit them in the ass.
7/5/05
Men like to reform when there's just nothing left to do but reform or be found out for what you really are. Reformation is usually easier than exposure but the only thing they are sorry for is that they now find they must reform and try as best they can to throw the blame for their own lust and selfishness onto their target. Reform away then... but remember, unless you own your actions and stop blaming someone else you will just need to reform again soon.
7/11/05
Time is such a perverse thing, when we have plenty of it in our youth we want to shorten it by being older and when it is running out we wish we could turn it back. Time can be our greatest friend, bringing us gifts of wisdom and experience and our greatest enemy leading us to the end and the surrendering of all we have been gifted in this present existence.
7/12/05
I am always amazed at the tenacity of love. Real love never dies. Being in love may end but love will live on beyond whatever form it may have previously taken. When you have genuinely been in love with someone there is just a place carved in your heart that only they can fit. And when you have contact with them again, regardless of how long they have been absent from your life, that warm love still flows through your heart, not the wild passion that it may have once been but the sweetness of loving admiration and acceptance still enfolds them and pulls them close to you. You can feel the same kind of reaction emanating from them toward you as well. I think that is a very comforting thought and believe it is indicative of the fact that love is an eternal force, an energy that can and does live on, beyond the death of a relationship or even two physical bodies.
7/22/05
Life is so strange, just when you think you have it neatly shoved into a box it bursts out at the seams. When you think it is going to be as it always has been it changes directions completely and forces you to go with it. It can be painful beyond endurance or sweet beyond all hope. Either way it is precious and to be lived with courage and appreciation just to be alive. Black, sorrowed times don't last forever, there is light somewhere ahead. All we have to do is keep moving toward it.
