11/22/05
I love many, yes it's true I do. I am not in love with many, but I love truly and deeply many who touch my very soul with their words. Those who are worthy of love. The passionate poets who weave golden, gossamer garments from their words to clothe me and who forge a gleaming crown of soulful emotions and place it on my head because they love me too! My words warm their cold nights and give them hope that deep love, sensual desire is a possibility in life, not just in dreams. I love the ones who write to me in appreciation of my words, the dear friends I have made through the years online. They live all over the world and most likely I will never meet any of them but if I did I could look them in the eyes and honestly say "I love you". Yes I believe in love, friendship, be it in real time or online, it makes the world go around and life worth living.
11/28/05
Life changes, nothing stays the same, nothing but change is dependable. Love finds us, lifts us up time after time. Be it the love of our God or the love of a fellow human, we don't stay lost to love forever. That's a comforting thought when we walk through places so dark we can't even find ourselves, love will find us again, time after time.
11/30/05
Afraid to crawl, longing to fly; I find myself in that condition far too often. Afraid to walk or even crawl, for whatever direction my feet may take, could be a disaster but in my heart longing to fly, high and far. Up above all the things that hurt and tie me down. Without fear and without reasoning, just to spread the wings I know are here somewhere....and FLY. Like a bird who does so instintively with no thought as to the consequences. Common sense and fear be damned! But then I wonder, can I survive another fall?
12/3/05
Ok all of you silly bitches who read my journal just to find out what I'm up to, let me say this loud and clear IF I WANTED YOUR MAN I WOULD GET HIM. Fortunately for you I don't want him. If I wanted to be close to someone I wouldn't have to steal him away from you so just don't get your panties in a wad and stop trying to paint me as the scarlet harlot of poetryland. I have a lot more dignity than you give me credit for, unlike some of you, I have never chased a man and don't intend to start now.
12/5/05
Venting is a good thing, it keeps you sane and able to cope with the injustices of life. It takes a lot to get me so angry I have to vent but a couple of days ago I got to that point. I have had it with women who want to be free to write any kind of romantic and erotic poetry they choose and it's ok but they want to accuse me of being after their "Man" because of what I write. You need to grow up, if you want poetic license then grant it to others as well and if you're that insecure in your relationship with your man you deserve to lose him to a "better" woman. It's no laughing matter when you write like a siren and act like a child. No I'm not done with it yet, will vent until I feel better.
12/6/05
Beautiful Christmas time how I love/hate you. I love the music, the lights and the whole atomosphere of celebration and love. I love the ancient story of a savior king come to Earth dressed as a baby in a manger. I hate the fact that my mother, father, sister are all gone and my mind and heart are flooded with memories of Christmas past. I hate that my son has no sense of family and not enough love for me to travel just a few hours to spend some time with me at Christmas. I hate that our country is still at war and other mother's sons will never be home for Christmas again. This season is such a contradiction for me, though I try to major on the positive, the pain still encroaches on my thoughts far too often. I think I will be glad when the season is over and a new year begins. We can always have hope for a new year to be better than the old one.
12/7/05
What is is about people, especially on writers' sites that makes them want to mind everyone else's business? I just don't understand why they can't let me and others write in peace when actually what I do, what I write is not revelant to their lives at all. And I REALLY cannot understand why because I am a romance/erotica writer women just assume out of thin air with no proof that I am after their man. I will write what I want to, and they will just have to deal with it. If their relationship is that insecure it's not much of a relationship, that's their fault not mine, I have nothing to do with it. Some of you want freedom of speech and freedom to crucify anyone else who uses it.
12/8/05
The most joyful time of the year can turn into the most stressful. I decided last year I would cut some of that stress so I order gifts online and give gift certificates and I use gift bags instead of wrapping. It's amazing how little shortcuts like these relieve the holiday pressure!
12/23/05
It's hard to accept love when in the past you gave love and received pain. It's very difficult to trust, which is a big element in giving and receiving love, when your trust has been betrayed repeatedly. I believe that living in the cyber age has contributed to the problem because there is so much more danger of being deceived when you cannot look into a person's eyes, hear the tone of their voice, watch their body language when all you have are words on a screen. The world is becoming more and more impersonal and there is less interaction between people on a face to face basis.
2/2/05
I am so sick, what am I doing here writing? Dental surgery and very bad infection in my gums. Taking strong antibiotics and pain pills, I'm out of it. May be a good time to write some esoterical poetry, like the Hopi Indians when they are tripping! Not a bad thing being out of it a couple of days, just sleep and think about....nothing. Blessed relief.
2/6/06
Feeling a little better today, seems I will survive. Sometimes I'm not sure I really want to. I know deep inside that life is a gift and not to be demeaned in any way. No matter how difficult it may seem at times it was made to be lived with as much wisdom and joy as we can find along the way. It's just that sometimes the mind and shoulders grow weary with what they must carry. Someone said to me recently that they wanted to live to be a hundred, honestly I cringed inwardly at the thought of that many years and the condition the physical body might possibly be in at that age. Just tired today, back to bed.
3/20/06
I suppose to be have a friend you must be a friend, but what about those times in life you are so burdened down, so emotionally distraught or empty that you have little to offer to a friend. Isn't it those times that a true friend will remain close to you offering their support? I think this is the way to find out who really is someone who loves you for yourself or someone who simply wants what you can give them. When you are unable to give and they must give to you, then you find out who really cares about you as a person and a friend.
4/20/96
Sometimes God's gifts are large, things we have needed and hoped for a long time. Other times they are small, like a warm day of sunshine and blue skies reflected on the lake. A moment with an old friend or getting to know a new one. Simply lying down in peace at night in your bed with the moon shinning in and the sounds of crickets and frogs and a water fountain outside your window. More to be thankful for than to complain about!
4/25/06
Time never stands still but sometimes we do, our thoughts, our emotions caught in limbo. Sometimes it seems that time is speeding past us like a fast moving train while we just try to catch a glimpse of it though our emotional fog. Other times we feel the restlessness in our souls, the push to move on to travel beyond where we seem to be stuck and at those times it feels like time is standing still. I find it so strange that civilization has been able to understand and master so much of the natural universe, even the atom and yet time remains an untouchable mystery to us!
7/6/06
I thought today of how absorbing, or wiping away, the tears of another becomes a sacrament. For in the tears of others we absorb their pain, and in a small measure feel and ease the suffering of all humankind. I believe that empathy is the highest form, followed by sympathy, of a sacred bond between two souls. Even real love is built on this foundation of empathy until two spirits are blended in both joy and pain to become a new entity, stronger, more perfect than before they merged.
7/12/06
Changes are such fearful things. Things that cause our hearts to pound and our thoughts to unravel. All the "what if's" come crashing down on us and we have to decide if we should be content with the status quo, with which we have never been contented...or to wade out into the great ocean of fear. Sink or swim, at least to try and make it to a more congenial shore. Changes can be life's greatest gift or its most treacherous joke.
7/25/06
Today I ache with exhaustion and a feeling of hopelessness that I fight against as if it is a deadly wild beast. It is a beast, this darkness, this feeling of being imprisoned with no key to unlock the door, no hands strong enough to break the bars. Today I want to end soon and turn into night so I can sleep, perchance to dream of something other than this day.
