Entries from a blog I'm deleting 7/26/06
The Creator had endowed our bodies with the ability to feel pain when there is something injurious attacking them. Pain can be a blessing in disguise when it lets us know our bodies are ill and need attention. I think the same thing is true of emotional pain. It lets us know when it's time to seek positive changes in our lives. To find a place of balance where the pain is replaced by a sense of power and serenity. How we find that place is different for each one of us, but most of us know the way we personally must handle our emotional pain. The difficulty comes in finding the courage to make the needed changes.
8/9/06
When you get to a certain place in life and you realize you have lived it trying to lift everyone else's burdens, trying to make others happy, you at last realize you have done so at the expense of your own happiness. You begin to wonder are some people just destined to be caught in a life they are unhappy living. Some say fate is fate and you can't change it. Others say that you make your own destiny. I feel that there must be a middle ground somewhere between fate and determination. The problem is keeping hope and determination alive in the middle of a dark place where there seems to be no way out. Determining within the heart that there IS a way out of the dark and that you will find it, can be the beginning of a new destiny.
8/17/06
Nothing stays the same ergo, whatever it is that is breaking us to pieces will not last forever. We will survive it and move on to other situations or we will leave this plane for another. Either way we do have the sure knowledge that this too shall pass. If we can take one day at a time and find the strength to get through it, the days will eventually add up and with the passing of time things will change. All we have to do is find our path, one step at a time and summon all our strength to walk it in the present moment.
8/18/06
I am considering to be or not to be who and what I have been. To be or not to be where I have been. To be or not to be what I have been to others. To continue to wander around in circles trying to discover at last... who, what and where I really want to be. To accept things as they are or just blast the living hell out of everything and become someone totally different. I am tired of waiting for life when life is rushing past me every moment. Yes I am frustrated bordering on anger at what others have done to me and the way I allowed them to do it. I think maybe I'm at the end now, something has to change. To be or not to be who you want to be, that is the axis of existence and I know now that my life has been totally off center, revolving around what others want, ignoring my own wants and needs. It has not brought the joy promised by "Spiritual" minds. Lose yourself for others, what a crock. The only joy you will find in that is if you enjoy being a martyr to other's dreams. And the only thing you will be is lost to yourself. I have come to realize by bitter experience the first priority is to find yourself, love yourself and stop denying yourself everything you need and want to give others their desires. Personally I don't like being a martyr and sometimes my heart just screams "What about me? Don't I deserve something?" I wish I could have arrived at this place of to be or not to be many years ago but I didn't so all I have now is the time remaining. I want major change and I am going to have it.
8/22/06
Almost everyone who has ever fought in a war and seen any action at all will suffer with post traumatic stress syndrome. And what that means is, they continue to experience fear and guilt long after they are out of danger. It can be mild to severe depending on the horrors they lived through and the nature of the person themselves. I have realized that people who have survived a broken love relationship or a continuing bad one also suffer from this disorder. Reliving all the pain again and again, fearing to love again. Drawing up into a shell and being unable to freely share their hearts again for fear another bomb will fall on them and this time they won't survive it.
It seems like to me we are a bunch of shell shocked zombies, so dead inside. Needing the very thing we are terrified of. I think the electonic age has complicated the whole scene. It's easier to live a fantasy than to get brave enough to sieze a reality. A whole generation is developing that is afraid to openly relate, physically touch, totally open themselves to another person in the flesh. Where is this going to lead in a few years? Love by proxy, one screen to another? You don't have to worry about diseases, or physically walking away if it doesn't work out. But you also miss the fire of a touch, the beauty of seeing yourself in the eyes of the one you love. Words are beautiful and meaningful but they are not hands and lips and cannot convey the same depth of love.
They say the only way to free yourself of fear is to face it head on and conquer it. Too many shell shocked people are hiding in the bunkers of electronic communication and perhaps not only losing the ability to relate to another physically but the very desire to do so. If we lost one battle or even the war, it doesn't mean we are fated to lose the next one!!
8/23/06
I was asked by a male friend recently why women will take the help, the tender affection and attention of a gentle and kind man but in the end they will chose to be with a bad boy type instead. Obviously he had been hurt by such behavior from women he cared for. I thought about it musing as to why it does sometimes happen that way. I believe that in this respect women are not so different from men. More than one man has told me that men want an angel everywhere but the bedroom and there they want a whore. I believe the whole bad boy syndrome is for the same reason. It's sexual. Though many women may not even understand it or admit it to themselves, it is definitely sexual! Women want that little edge of wildness and danger in the bedroom so they tolerate the bad elsewhere to get the wicked there. Now in my opinion a woman should never settle for a rogue when she can have a gentleman rogue. A perfect combination of chivalry and danger. A man of good manners and genteel conversation who also knows how to sexually interest and excite a woman. Giving her the perfect combination of romance and raw sensuality. There may be only a few left but there are still some gentlemen rogues to be found! Good men, bad boys.
8/29/06
What exactly does that mean...being there for another? Does it mean dropping them an impersonal email occasionally, listening to their problems and telling them how sorry you are? Staying at a distance, a safe distance? Does it mean being willing to go the absolute longest distance that you possibly can to be available, interested, caring and yes ever PRESENT if they should actually need you? I've had very few people in my life that were actually there for me when I needed them. Sorrow is something the world does not want to face or handle. Only those who genuinely love you will hold your hand, figuratively and litterally when you are in the throes of sorrow.
8/30/06
I was taught as a child, as were most of us, that being selfish is wrong. I was taught as a child and as an adult by religious faith that being selfish is a sin. I have reconsidered that teaching and come to the conclusion that if you deny what you need in life in order to give others what they need, unless you are a Mother Teresa type, one day you are going to wake up and not even know who you are because you have denied yourself completely all the things that would enrich and support your individuality. Individuality is a good thing if it's under responsible emotional control. Individuality is what produces all the varying textures of life adding color and creativity to our world. Even Christ taught that we must first love ourselves properly in order to be able to love others ie "Love thy neighbor, as thy self"
When it comes to love relationships it is not wrong to insist on being first in your lover's heart and if you are indeed first there then it reasonably follows that you will be first as well in their life. This is not too much to ask and until that happens there is no completion or satisfaction. Until you are number one in his or her heart and life there will be only pain and frustration to deal with everyday of your life and finally love will sicken and die. No selfishness is not a sin.
9/4/06
Some things need to be fixed so badly. Important things, lifetime challenges. But some things are just beyond my capabilities to repair. I know it, but yet I feel a sense of hopeless failure and guilt because I failed to fix them, still cannot fix them and know in my heart that the means of repairing them will forever be beyond my reach and limited ability. My mind knows this and yet my heart aches with hopelessness and accuses me of never doing enough, though I did all I could do and more than most would have done in my situation. Today I am tired but there is no resting from life, it goes on even when we feel we can't walk another step we are forced along on the path by forces stronger than our selves. The best I can hope for is a respite in an oasis somewhere along this arduous path.
9/11/06
Celebrating Freedom
By La Belle Rouge
That day, like Pearl Harbor, will live on in infamy forever.
Innocent citizens blown away in an instant
in a war that had never been formally declared.
Taken away in a moment, so ruthlessly and uselessly….
mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, siblings and children,
sacrificed at the altar of misguided religious fanaticism.
It’s been so long ago and yet it lives on in our memories
as though it just happened. We remember and we weep.
So what is to be done about 9/11 now and in years to come?
Many might disagree with my thoughts, they are still
what I think no matter who disagrees with me.
They are still my feelings regardless of who feels differently
Memorials should be built, it is right and fitting to honor the dead
But should movies be made to cause us to relive such horror?
Should footage of the attack be shown over and over on this day
and days preceding the anniversary of 9/11?
A people who dwell in sorrow will never recover joy.
Those who embrace hate will live and die by the sword.
We remember with sorrow, we pray for peace.
We do what we must to defend our nation but we cannot
dwell in the past, the horror and hatred of that infamous day.
We should not replay the images on this day every year.
If we do, we will foster the hatred of future generations
We will close and lock the door against peace forever.
United we can stand and celebrate freedom.
The freedoms we hold dear in our country.
Freedom of speech, freedom of religion,
freedom of life, liberty and the persuit of happiness.
Let us always remember and mourn the innocents lost,
but reach forward to the future, not dwelling in the past.
9/14/06
There are those who love in a possessive way. They are obsessed with having you, owning you, controlling you. They love themselves, not you. They need what you can give but they don't know how to give to you. This is not love this is selfishness, for it is their needs, their wants that always matter, never yours... unless they fit into the plan to meet theirs. LOVE is so opposite, it supports your dreams and plans. It encourages you to become all that you can be and it delights in every victory you win, every dream you live. Love is there in good and bad times, rejoicing in your joys, giving you tender empathy in your sorrows. Why do we settle for less than this kind of real love? Is it because we just don't know the difference, because we have never known such love and that it even exists? Is it that we don't feel we are worthy of being loved that way so we settle for something far less? Food for thought. I believe we should have the kind of love that helps to morph us into the person we were created to be, not some twisted one-sided relationship that dwarfs us and tries to push us into another's image of what they need and want. It takes guts to say to yourself, I will be loved this positive way or I will remain alone.
9/26/06
It's liberating to understand the mystery of just"Being", being who you are at the particular moment. Accepting all that you are, the good, the bad and the ugly of "YOU". Letting go of the fears of who you are and what you can be and refusing to feel inferiority or guilt simply for being fallible and human. It seems we sometimes expect more from ourselves than is humanly possible and we can forgive others much more readily than we can forgive ourselves. I want to find that place of self realization and not drift in and out of it. A place of total acceptance of myself leaving the constant striving behind and sinking back into the comfort of just "Being"
10/4/06
Waiting for the page to turn is sometimes a slow process. So often there're things on our page we don't want to read. At times it seems like this is the end of our book and we wish it was. But we never know what day we will wake up and find the page has turned, in a moment, without warning, to a new chapter we could not have even imagined. Maybe this is what keeps us alive, knowing the page could turn at last.
