Transferring blog entries from a blog I'm deleting 5/4/05
I'm happy to report to those of you who like me, I'm still here. The food poisoning didn't kill me, and to those of you who don't like me, well, too bad. LOL! I lost eight pounds but not my sense of humor but I wouldn't recommend that diet to anyone. The day I can't find anything at all to laugh at, even if it's just myself... is the day I hope I can just leave this life. Without laughter life would be so unbearable and I have decided to spend more of my time and myself on those I can laugh with and less with those who steal my joy.
5/6/05
Mother's Day is bittersweet this year. Sweet because of the beautiful remembrance sent to me by one son, bitter because I do not even know where my other son is. In faith I embrace him with my love and send its light to him, he is so desperately lost in the dark. I have often said being a mother is the most important and difficult job I will ever have in life. Afterall, no other lives on Earth, will you ever touch and influence like you do those of your children...and it is also the job we are lest prepared for. We have no instruction manual given to us in the delivery room, no schematic diagram of their little intellects and spirits, and with our first child, no previous job experience! Yet we literally hold their lives in our hands for a few years. I used to agonize about the hurtful choices my sons made then I realized they were becoming autonomous and responsible for their own choices. I did try my best, with no manual, diagram or previous job experience and being almost a child myself when they were born. My heart is clear on one thing completely, never did they lack for love.
5/7/05
I miss my mother tonight, she's been gone so long but you never get over missing your mother. My only sister passed away in October and my thoughts are of both of them tonight. I wish I could just talk to them, hug them and tell them I love them, if only one more time. If your mom and sisters are still with you, make the most of the time. Talk often, hug, say "I love you"
5/11/05
I always wanted a daughter, to dress in cute clothes, to relate to on a feminine level. To watch her enjoy her first date and prom and to plan her wedding. Well all I can say is be careful what you wish for. I only had sons, no daughter and had accepted long ago that the joys of having a girl would never be mine. Now I have my wish in the person of my granddaughter who has become my daughter. I have all the wonderful, special privilages reserved for mothers with daughters now, the cute clothes and we're planning her first dance next week. The torrents of tears for no reason, the pouts the whinnings of "it's not fair" the mood swings and the endless growing up questions that demand answers. Be careful what you wish for, wishes do come true. I adore her but I wish I was twenty years younger so I could endure the pace a little better!
5/12/05
Sometimes we know someone, become a part of their life, eventually a part of their heart. We never mean to change that person's life, their world, but we do change it. They become a better or a worse person because of our influence on them. Hearts have a way of entwining after a long and open friendship, we don't mean for it to happen, it just does and if we are giving to one another something each has long needed but not found...can that be all bad? I don't feel that love is ever bad or cheap, it's what we do with that love that will make it a positive or a negative influence in our lives and the lives of those it touches. My world has changed, more than once because somebody gifted me with their love.
5/13/05
Without a dream nothing would ever happen in our lives that is positive. I believe for something we want to become a reality in our life, we must first dream it, desire it, set out on a course to make our dreams come true. How impoverished we would be without our dreams, even the ones we know will never be a reality. Dreams, even impossible ones fuel our imaginations, uplift our art, add to our joy.
5/16/05
I was thinking today and trying to understand why when I have simply offered my friendship, the love of a friend. Ears to listen and a heart to care about the things that wound and burden a heart...why, why why has that been misunderstood to represent romantic love more than once? I have examined my heart, my motives and have found no cause for guilt or remorse in such situations. I have always been up front and honest that friendship was all I was offering and all I could ever offer and the next thing I know I am being romantically chased or hated with such spite and misjudged as someone and something I am not. For a time it made me afraid to be a friend to anyone but then there are those who have accepted my friendship and have become so dear and precious to me, there has never been a misunderstanding or any hard feelings between us, there have never been any demands of any kind. I just don't understand some people who think they can take liberties and want to own a part of you they never can, then despise you when the reality of that finally hits them. Oh well such is life. You either crawl into a shell and never offer anything to anyone and you pass through this world having made no lasting contribution to anyone...or you continue to offer what you can and take your chances of offering it to someone so unbalanced that they hurt you. Love is always a risk but to not love is to lose without any risk.
5/18/05
Today I followed a link someone sent me to a poetry site where more of my work had been stolen and posted. It is a regular occurance now and unless it has happened to you, you have no idea the sick feeling it gives you to see your work posted publicly with someone else's name on it. It makes me at times, want to delete all my work on the internet. A writer who has to steal someone else's work or ideas is no writer at all. I am taking the necessary steps to have it removed from that site but I never know from week to week where it will happen again. There was a site that had five chapters of "Love & Honor" stolen and posted there and it took me two years and an attorney to have it removed. Most other sites have been cooperative and removed the stolen work right away but this is a problem I should not have to be addressing so often. Just as disgusting are the so called "Poets" who steal my titles, ideas and phrases repeatedly under the guise of "Free Speech". I love being here on writing.com and several other sites I post on and I have actually had to use this site as proof that my work was my work, since the day it is posted is written on it. There are so many pros and cons to internet posting, thieves are the main concern to me. I am happy to share my work for readers who enjoy it and very proud when students ask to use it in classes or to produce amatuer films of my short stories for their college projects, but thieves...nothing makes me as angry.
5/19/05
Some people live a lifetime, safely within the shores of duty and acceptability. Never taking chances,denying themselves every desire of their heart to please others. Will they wake up someday when they are ready for a dirt bath and realize they have lived their entire life for others who never realized the sacrifice or appreciated it. Oh Lord, I can think of nothing more tragic. I want to grab some happiness for myself while I am still young and vital enough to enjoy being alive and loved. When life is gone it's too late then to live it.
5/23/05
I think sometimes we are miserable because we must live in reality and reality is so far from our ideal or our desires. Things are what they are and no amount of self pity or depression will change them. Some things we can change, if we are determined to do so and take action to change them, some things we have no choice in, like unrequited love. You can't force a person to love you and sometimes if you try they run away and don't look back. I think what you have to do is find the joy in life wherever you can; bravely facing the reality whether it be one you can change or one you have no control over. It doesn't have to rule your mind and emotions and make you miserable.
5/24/05
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could control love like a faucet; turn it on hot and full blast for the one we should love and turn it off, stopping it's flow completely for the one we shouldn't? Even with all our best efforts at soundly turning off love's faucet that damn thing has a tendency to leak, drip, drip, drip, day after day. If only the heart could be controlled with a switch, like an electic light, we could turn love off and on at will, stop the flow of it's power and heat and save ourselves so much pain. Sometimes I wonder if the Creator gave us love and uncontrollable hearts just to remind us that we are not completely in control of everything!
5/25/05
I am hurting so badly today. Just plain tired out. Sometimes things confuse me so. I try to be open, so up front and always in time, it costs me treasured friendships. At times I feel I want to shut myself away from everyone where there is only me to deal with and I am not too likely to misunderstand myself and it's for certain I can't walk away from myself. Still I would rather be open, straight forward with grace rather than milk toast bland and easily controlled by other's thoughts and desires. I'm so glad for those who are real, who don't change, who have stood by me so long in true love and friendship, they outweigh ones who make you want to be a hermit. God, some days I love the intenet and others I think it should be consigned to Hell.
5/26/05
I thought of my sister this morning, have been thinking of her for several days. I don't really know why. Sometimes the dead are closer to us than the living, teaching us lessons about life...and love. She never wanted a sister and I adored mine. She was much older than me and hated me for taking our mother's attention away from her. I never realized why she hated me, until we had been distanced for a lifetime and one day, five years before she died, she told me. How do you apologize for simply being born, for taking the attention from a mother who had to give it to a baby? And yet I did apologize for all of it, taking part of the affection from our parents, the long years of hate and distance, though the hate was not in me and the distance was not what I wanted. We had only five years of mutual love and acceptance between us. I had only five years I could call my sister and feel the love at the other end of the line, or visit together and giggle like little girls. Was I stupid to apologize for things I had no contol over, no I don't think I was. I gained my sister, I gained a few years of very real love and companionship between us, I was holding her hand when she opened her eyes, looked into mine and passed away. No pride, no sense of maintaining our rights is worth losing something that precious. She is gone now but each time I think of her it's not with confusion or pain, it's with love and thankfulness to have the memory of being loved by my sister, even if it was only for five years.
5/30/05
Sometimes I would be better off if I could just shut thoughts off. On Memorial Day I find myself thinking about the sacrifices made, the necessary ones in wars that defended freedom, the unnecessary ones in wars that made not one bit of sense, then or now. I think about what it would be like to have life end at 18 or 21 or even 30. So little time to do all the things you plan and want for a lifetime. What's it like to come home from war, a leg gone or both, an arm gone or both? What's it like to spend a lifetime in a wheelchair or a hospital bed where you no longer have enough mind left to know much of anything. Why must some pay such an exhorbitant price and others no price at all? I want this war to end there is no reason for our troops to continue to pay the price for a power hungry government's agenda. And make no mistake about it, there is an agenda... one more threatening to freedom than any terrorist has ever been. I got put off another writing site for saying these things, I am thankful for writing.com where we still have freedom of thought and speech. So I won't say "Happy Memorial Day" to everyone, but "Thoughtful Memorial Day." Before we continue to let these young Americans pay the exhorbitant price let's make sure what they're buying with it is worth it.
5/31/05
Desire is a ravenous animal with no respect for boundaries or proprieties. There is no taming it, and pitiful little controlling it. Sometimes it attacks suddenly like a wild animal overcoming the reason, other times like a reptilian monster, it wiggles its way slowly, insidiously, into the conciousness and like the wild creature it is, cowers us at it's power. Maybe I should write a poem about the untamable animal of desire. We lament our subjugation to it and yet would bemoan its loss.
6/6/05
I often wonder what it is about some women that renders them incapable of having a true friendship with another woman. The women I have as friends you can count on less than one hand. Not because I have withheld my friendship but because I have been stabbed in the back more times than I can remember by women who were supposed to be my friends. Are some just so void of all self confidence and self esteem that they can't stand those who aren't or those who may in some areas of life excell beyond them? Research has proven that women very much need the support and influence of other women in their lives and yet many of us basically live without such close friendships. Woman to woman, what it wrong with us that we can't rise above petty jealousy and learn how to to nurture each other, help each other to become all we can be? It's gotten to the point that I am honestly afraid to offer my friendship to women, only a very few have proven themselves through the years to be real friends to me. The first few times a woman betrayed my trust I thought it would destroy me, it was so unexpected and so uncalled for. We hold within us, as women, more power than we can ever begin to realize to influence other lives, positively or negatively, too bad it seems more women use that power in a negative way against each other. Guess that's why most of my friends are men, there is no competition between us, more understanding and trust.
6/7/05
Every day is an opportunity to touch a life or lives with something positive...or negative. Sometimes just a few words will enter a person's soul and live there forever. I think we truly do not understand the power of our words, our presence, in other lives. It's so powerful that in only a moment's time we can become a part of them, their core, eternally. And the circle widens as they touch other lives with what was imparted to them, good or bad and whether we want to or not, we impact and change lives just by being who we are.
6/7/05
Ever have those days where you just NEED to do something wild and out of character? Something you wouldn't want your mother to know about, even if she is dead? Something so outlandishly wild that you blush just thinking of it and you wish you had the guts to do it and think you just may before the day is over? That never happens to me
Writing For Me
By La Belle Rouge
i write, for me
writing kept me sane
when the whole world around me
wasn’t
i write erotic poetry
because i can
and i’m really not half bad at it
sometimes
i write other genres too
maybe not as well but
it doesn’t really matter to me
who reads me
or who dislikes me or is jealous
enough to slander me
i don’t have affairs with every man
i write with
that’s a tempting thought i admit
but not at all practical
i just can’t spread myself
but so thin
long ago the lies hurt me
the anger, the jealousy cut
tears fell but now i don’t give
a good damn
each reader who enjoys my work
each heart i touch with words
gives me a wonderful bonus
from my poetry
but you don’t have to like me
or read me, i won’t grieve
if you don’t because i write
for me
