Transferring a blog I'm deleting 7/25/05
Sometimes it is nothing but sheer willpower that keeps you going. Determination to not just lay down and give up. I've had determination all my life and I still have it. There are times I think I can't do what I have to anymore but I always find the inner strength someway to keep on keeping on. The day that strength ebbs away from me it will be all over. Things and people on the fringe of my life, no matter how difficult, I never allow these to have more of my attention or emotions than necessary just to deal with them. It is the close situations and people that can drain and demand until you think you can't cope, but you are stronger than you even realize and simply continue to do what you must to survive.
7/26/05
Today I told someone close to me about my life, my past. I told them all the things I have tried to forget, the things that made me who I am. I felt all the same emotions as if it was happening now in the present moment. I marveled at the ability of the human brain to store, not only memories but the very real emotions associated with them as well as the sounds and scents, enabling us not only to remember but to relive the past. I've never really thought of this before but in contemplating it I am in awe at the powers of the mind. Now if I could just figure out a way to erase memories!
7/27/05
I hate bigotry, nothing makes me as angry as those who demean someone because of their age, nationality, color etc. It infuriates me. I think anyone who objects to a love relationship between those of different races, ethnic background or even age need to be told they are bigots and then completely ignored because it's obvious they have no valuable opinions to acknowledge. Love is truly blind, when it is real love we fall in love with the person's soul and then with their body. Worthy souls, soulmates even, don't always have physical bodies that match perfectly, they are sometimes of different races, sometimes of different ages and who we love should be our business and their's and no one else's. Sick bigots you need to turn the spotlight on yourself for a change and stay out of other's business,
7/28/05
Sometimes I don't know what to write in this journal, days that I'm not having any profound thoughts, ordinary, uninspiring days. But today I do feel inspired by the beauty and power of love. I feel it all around me and inside me and to me love is the most inspiring force on Earth. I have begun to love me! Now that might not seem like much to some people but to me it's a miracle. I love my tenderness and care for others, my hot passionate side as well. I love the way I now can stand up for myself and say no without feeling any guilt for having said it. I love the way I can be strong and unbending against things and people who are wrong and I can do it now FEARLESSLY and FORCEFULLY. This is new for me and.... God I like it. I like feeling that inner power and strength to balance the soft and gentle side of my personality. I wish I had loved myself years ago but I don't think I really knew me very well. Better late than never to find and love who I am. I am thankful to those who loved me, admired me and to those that hated and disrespected me, the first gently introduced me to myself and the second forced me to defend myself. So today I have nothing to complain about, learning to love me so I can love others and it gets better with time.
8/8/05
I believe that the deepest need all of us have is to know and be known... to love and be loved, without any pretenses. I also believe that this is the most difficult state to achieve because most of us have been conditioned to wear masks, even in our most intimate of relationships. So it stands to reason that to have our most basic need met we must learn how to free ourselves from the masks and become real people. Expose who we really are to those whom we love and whom we expect to love us. Throw away the notion that we must rearrange and remake ourselves in order to be worthy of love. If someone can't love you as you truly are, then it's not really love at all, just a substitute for it. The greatest gift we can give ourselves and others is to become a REAL person. I'd rather have the distain of someone who really knows me than the fake love of someone who doesn't. Now the distain of someone who only thinks they know me and doesn't, that is truly disgusting and not even worth a tear.
8/9/05
They always seem to exist simultaneouly, sorrow and joy, one balanced against the other. Having just gone through a time of real sorrow that a few months ago would have devasted me for many months, I feel my balance, my acceptance returning so quickly. I am standing on my feet after a storm that would have knocked me on my ass and kept me there for a protracted time, just a short while ago. I can see progress in my life, in my ability to handle life. About time, it took a lot of years and tears to arrive at this place and it may still be one step forward, one back but I can feel myself approaching that place of balance I have longed for most of my life. The storms come and go the wind knocks us around but it's finding that quiet centering in a place of balance amid the storms that saves our very sanity and sometimes our lives
8/10/05
I have played with fire, guess most of us have unless we are the most incredibly dull people in the universe. I played in flames and I got burned, burned so badly not even a trauma center for devastated hearts could have treated my pain and scars. The old saying "Once burned, twice shy" is true. I would only open my heart again to a certain point, I was not going to be burned again. So much for such resolve, pain pales in the beautiful intensity of love. Locks seem to pop off the heart door of their own volition and try as we might to avoid it, we find ourselves once again dancing like a wild woman in the flames. Will I be burned again? I hope not but I'm sure I won't die of hypothermia.
8/15/05
There is no greater power in the universe than love and when that love is doubled and shared with no barriers between two souls, it is explosive. Not just sexually, though it will definitely be volcanic in that way. It is a liberating force that releases the depths of the soul, the hidden things we have never really completely faced about ourselves. The needs unexpressed, the wounds never exposed to anyone else. Love matched and shared is the most healing experience of our lives and is all that the sages see and poets pen. A massive tidal wave of emotion, a tender enveloping of all that we are, an impetus to become more than we have ever been.
8/17/05
Some of my thoughts, which would have remained private are now very public, since I write them in this journal. Some of my thoughts are so deliciously private that they will have to remain so, unless you read my memoirs after I'm dead! Why do we read people's journals? Perhaps because as they say, fact is always stranger than fiction and some of us are just "People watchers" we like to explore thoughts private or otherwise and get into the heads of other people, find out what makes them tick and maybe even uncover some little juicy tidbits of their mind or life. I confess I'm a people watcher too but for some reason I seldom read journals. If you do manage to analyze me by reading this journal please let me know if you find a cure for whatever it is that makes me crazy enough to keep writing in this thing.
8/22/05
Altruism is the habit of putting other people before yourself, making others happy at the expense of your own happiness. In most religious circles it's considered the greatest virtue in real life it's a burden. It never stands the test of time for one day you wake up and realize you have been miserable while making everyone else happy, or trying to. It's usually just trying to for we cannot be responsible for someone else's happiness and contentment in life. Do I recommend hedonism? No, but there has to be a healthy balance somewhere between diefying yourself and denying yourself, if not then life is not worth much at all.
8/29/05
If life could be rewritten, what would your novel contain? Would you add chapters, leave chapters out? Would you change the plot and characters, would you want to know the ending? The first character I would change would be me, I would be braver, more self actualized, wiser. I would not just change a few chapters but the entire book!! But then it's a foolish thought for we can't take away even one page of our life story, though we do have a choice about future chapters to add.
9/7/05
I believe, if the truth really be known, it's not so much physical death that humanity fears, but the obliteration of one's memory. The erasure of the fact that we lived and what we felt and contributed to the world around us. No one wants to be erased, forgotten, as though they never existed. I believe that being a writer is a means of becoming immortal, of being remembered long after we are gone. As long as our words are still read, we are alive, and remembered. Subconciously I think this is one of the reasons we write, to become more than just our physical bodies or immediate thoughts, to leave something of the reality of our essence behind. To yet touch the world and other hearts when ours has ceased beating
9/28/05
Interesting how some people can be so vain as to think the world revolves around them. Arrogant and self serving. How they think they have to attack anything or one that they even remotely think are refering negatively to them. Some people are not even worth the time of day. It reminds me of that old Carly Simon Song "You're so vain you probably think this song is about you" You probably think every dark poem is about you, hummm, I bet you even think this blog is about you, Sick Bastard. Sooner or later white paint will wear off of black walls, that's one thing you can be sure of and when it does everyone who thought that wall was so clean sees the dirt beneath.
10/26/05
It's been a long time since I wrote in this journal, may be a long time again! Sometimes I wonder why God made women's shoulders so fragile when we have to carry so many heavy burdens on them. And it's not just a brief thing, oh no, it's a whole lifetime of our own and almost everybody else's that rests on our shoulders and hearts. Sometimes I think it would be the most pleasant thing in the world just to climb up into my four poster and sleep for at least a week, or two and I mean SLEEP with no thoughts, no dreams and nothing else I had to do or take care of for me or a host of others. I am just damn tired! This too shall pass, but you can't help but wonder what will be on top of you next. As the old saying goes "Mama told me there'd be days like this but she didn't tell me they'd last six months!"
11/2/05
Seems that life is merely a series of endings and beginnings. Each one is a challenge, a time of sorrow, of joy, of fear and bravery. Life is never stagnant for the soul determined to LIVE it
11/7/05
A man's pride will sometimes not let him admit, even to himself, when he has behaved in a way that cost him the affection and the respect of someone he didn't want to lose. He knows, however, in the still of night when he stands alone under the moon or lays his head upon a sleepless pillow, all the things he did to hurt her and drive her far from him. The things he did to force her to defend herself, the things that can never be changed, relived or forgotten by him and especially by her. He will never be able to excuse them away, think them, dream them away or even write them away, no matter what a good front he puts on before others, his heart continues to rightfully accuse him.
11/8/05
"Time Waits For No Man" a completely true statement. It relentlessly marches on. Whether we keep up with it or not is totally inconsequential to time. Now waiting for time, that is something that we have a little more control over. Waiting for the right time to pursue our goals, the right time to reveal our hearts and to follow them. Time won't wait for us but we had best learn how to wait for time.
11/15/05
Who knows what a day will bring? The worst days of my life came with stealth and ambushed my heart, the best days were the same, unexpected, intense. Whoever wrote that song "Life Is Just A Bowl Of Cherries" must have skipped those days it was the pits! We would be shallow people indeed if we never had any adversity, no pit days to cope with. It evens out our life, rounds out our personality the balance of cherries and pits.
11/16/05
I know how it feels to be cold and hungry yet I've never wanted to be wealthy, to have everything handed to me. But after a day like today it sounds nice! I am exhausted and for the next couple of weeks there will be little relief. Times like this make you wonder how the "Other Half" lives, bet they don't get exhausted doing nothing!
