Entries from a blog I'm deleting 10/13/06
It's so odd that at the most unusual times the memory of someone who betrayed you marches through your mind and you relive the agony of heart you felt when it happened. I know we can forgive, but do we ever really forget? I don't think we do, unless we have amnesia. Thoughts and emotions come to us unbidden, unwanted and stab our hearts all over again. I think the only way to handle it is to just acknowledge to yourself that yes, it did happen, yes it did hurt but you have released that person or persons into the hands of God, or fate or karma or whatever! But it's out of your hands and out of your life now. And the strange thing about the whole thing is, in my life, no matter what someone did to me when I see them suffering, when Karma finally catches up with them, there is no satisfaction no joy at another's pain, even if they brought so much pain to me. No I don't forget, I don't have control of memories but I do have control of revenge. I can honestly say I have only hated two people in my entire lifetime and the things they did pushed a gentle, trusting heart over the edge of reason into hatred. I don't hate them anymore, even though at times the memory of what they did still hurts. If I had continued to hate I would be putting myself on their level, living their way, there is no satisfaction in that. So they are released into wiser hands than mine, into the sureity of universal justice. YES I do believe in universal justice, I've seen it at work too many times to deny it. It reminds me of what King David in the Bible felt when he saw wicked people prospering, he complained of it to God and God told him to leave that to him, for David had not yet seen the end of it.
10/18/06
Most of us are taught to be strong, to shoulder the burdens of life and make it on our own. What's wrong with this kind of thinking? It's wrong because it is simply impossible. No man or woman is an island. We might be strong, but there are times we need the strength of another harnassed with ours to lift and carry the burdens. There is no shame in being vulnerable at times, it's known as "Being Human". If we think we will never need anyone's help or care we are deluded. If we don't learn to receive love and support we will never learn how to give it and then our lives will be so empty, so wasted. Vulnerability takes guts... it takes courage to open your heart to another, to let them see your pain and weaknessess. Vulnerability is not lack of strength, sometimes it's the most courageous thing you can do, be vulnerable. Especially if being vulnerable has brought you past pain. The temptation is to close down your heart and never let another near it, to live in solitary emptiness. Yes it takes strength to be vulnerable.
10/23/06
Personally I think love finds you. When you least expect it, when you are not searching for it at all. Love is perverse that way, it takes delight in sneaking up behind you, yelling "BOO" and scaring the crap out of you. Sometimes it just comes out of nowhere and sometimes it develops from a sincere friendship. It can come from someone close to you or from someone at a distance that you barely know. Maybe the secret to having love find you is to simply be yourself and live your life in the most positive way you can manage, day by day. Learning to be yourself, learning to love yourself. Being someone worth finding.
10/24/06
I have a real problem with writing sites that discourage rather than encourage writers. Reviews are a good thing when done with respect but critiques done with arrogance should have no place among writers. In fact critiques should be reserved for those who are educated and professional enough to know what they are talking about. There is a site on the web that I have visited occasionally and I am appalled at the comments that are placed on the work of many writers. I wonder how many aspiring writers have just thrown up their hands and quit because of some Aholes who probably know no more about writing that the one they are attacking, have cut them down to the ground with negative and high handed comments. I stay away from those places, I have never, will never post one word of my work on such a site. Writer's sites are supposed to help not destroy those who make use of them. If I want a critique of my work, I'll hire a professional with the proper credentials to give me one. I write here on writing.com to improve and help others improve their work, not to harm or be harmed. I have received much help on this site and tried to give some to others. Very seldom have any reviews been made of my work that were out of line and overly derogatory, and the few that were happened to be made anonymously, which in my opinion should not even be allowed. If we write it we should own it and not be able to hide behind a cloak of "Anonymous".
11/8/06
Your children,You suffer nine months to carry them. You suffer, often long hours, to birth them. You suffer to raise them. You deny yourself things that you need emotionally, and materially to give them what they need. You hurt everytime they are hurt. You protect them and nurture them. You endure the rebellion of adolescence. You make them and their needs the center of your world. Then they grow up and leave home, leaving you on the edges of their life or sometimes totally out of their life. Then you sit back and wonder why you gave them so much and yourself so little.
11/9/06
Love might exist in a rut, the old, worn-out, hum drum kind of love between two people who have been together too long and never bothered to re-invent themselves or their relationship. But "Being In Love" now that takes joy and laughter and unpredictable spontaneity. It will never settle for the "Same old, same old" but will find new ways to express itself and make life an adventure. There are some singers and movie stars that have incredibly long careers and they are as much on top at the end as at the beginning. They accomplish this by constantly changing and re-inventing themselves. Being in love is the same way, it takes nothing for granted. It enjoys new places, new faces, new foods, new pastimes. It will make love at unusual times and locations, positions and ways. It's not afraid of trying the unknown. Being in love is full of surprises and little pleasures and new ways to say and demonstrate "I love you"
11/17/06
The holidays, God Help Me, they are here. This is the absolute most difficult time of the year for me. No one is left from my childhood family, I am the last one alive. I miss my mother and father and sister more than I can stand this time of year. I miss all the assorted aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents who are passed on or live far away. I miss my children whom I seldom hear from. I miss the closeness of a big extended family and all the festivities we shared. When I was a child my parent's home would be filled with relatives and friends all during the Holiday Season. It was a happy time of sweet memories. I try to make memories now but somehow it's not the same as when the house was filled with so many loved ones. Thank God this season only comes once a year and with his help I get through it and even find joy along the way.
11/22/06
I doubt there are very many of us who have not been burned in friendship, broken in love. I know I have and at the time it felt like I would never again open my heart to another soul. But if you really consider the alternatives it's either become cold, hard and bitter or rise above the hurt and dare to love again. I would rather have my tender heart broken time after time than to allow it to become hard, uncaring and untouchable. Love is always a chance, a chance we might get hurt but living without love is worse than being hurt by it, at least in my opinion.
11/27/06
I think I must be a high maintenance woman. No not a woman who expects expensive gifts or one who is expensive in her beauty habits or high fashion. I am high maintenance emotionally. I need to be cherished. To be important and have the attention of the one I love. Some people have no idea what it takes to maintain a close relationship. You have to spend time, take time, make time to listen and care about each other's lives and struggles. You have to make sure that there are times when you can just forget about the world outside and enjoy the romance of being together. If you love each other you should know each other, better than anyone else in the world knows you. That only happens with taking time and being open and honest. Guess I'm high maintenance I need more than many can or will give emotionally.
