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Robert A. Mills

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Blogs by Robert A. Mills

THE TEA PARTY
4/17/2009 6:20:19 AM

My friend Thomas Moncrief tells me he had not attended a tea party since mid-August, 1969, but he just had to go downtown Wednesday night to see what it was all about. “Not many of ‘em were smokin’,” he told me, “but them that was were puffin’ on Marlboros, Camels, Newports, and Kick Ultras.”

I cautiously told him I didn’t think this “tea” party had anything to do with his memories of Bethel, NY, and since he is the same age as I and probably a little senile, a blank look came over his face. “I didn’t think so, either,” he said; “it wasn’t raining. Besides, most of the dudes were white, looked outta shape, and had short hair. Some of the broads were nice, though, even the older ones. But I hadda park ten blocks away and walk twenty miles to the State Capitol—took longer than to drive from Marietta.”

I asked him why he bothered to go in the first place? “I wanted to see that guy Hendley, the guy on TV.”

“You mean, Sean Hannity, the guy on Fox?”

Moncrief shook his head. “Only guys I know on Fox are House and Jack Bauer. I don’t know who this guy Hendley is. But I got to see him. He’s just a kid, though, and he shouts a lot.”

I asked him what the meeting was all about; he shrugged and said, “I dunno. I think most of them were pissed off because they had to pay taxes, or something. They kept yakkin’ about the Boston Tea Party, but I remember from Mrs. Cranberry’s class that that was all about taxation without representation, or sumpthin like that. Way I figure it is, we all get to pay taxes because we all voted and we got representation—only these dudes think they voted for the wrong people.”

I suggested that was a pretty poor excuse to throw a party. Moncrief disagreed. “I don’t think so,” he said. “Remember in school when we played handball during recess? Every time the ball hit the line or was close, you would stamp your feet and jump up and down until we replayed the point. I think that’s what these cats would like to do: hold the elections again and re-vote, replay the point.”

“Well,” I said, sagely, “that’s never going to happen.”

“Yeah, too bad. They kept harpin’ that the tax code was all screwed up, and the cat in the White House couldn’t care less—all he wants is to spend money on keepin’ banks open and two cars in every garage, or sumpthin like that. This Hendley dude said the stupid voters voted for the wrong cat.”

I was confused. “What about the people you talked to? Did they vote for the wrong guy?”

“No, no, listen to what I say. They said the other people voted for the wrong guy. They said the guy they voted for didn’t win, but if he had, we wouldn’t have the mess we got today. We’d still have to pay taxes, but it would be okay—we wouldn’t care as much.”

“These people you were talking to,” I wondered, “did they pay their taxes?”

“Sure,” Moncrief said, “this one dude got nineteen hundred scoots back. Thought he should have cleared two grand, though.”

“How about you? How much was your refund?”

“Me?” Moncrief inhaled himself up to five feet six. “Shoot, man, I didn’t get nuthin. I never file any tax return. But if I did . . . .”

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