Back by popular demand! Just kidding, I just felt like posting it!

From:Patiance
To:Wildchild.nomoola.com


December 3,

My Dearest Son,

Contrary to what you may think, I am well aware that the holidays are fast approaching. Be assured that I have not forgotten what month is it, I am merely ignoring it. I have no intention of celebrating the holidays this year. I am not going to spend the entire month shopping for and wrapping presents that no one really wants or needs. Nor am I going to spend eight hours cooking and baking a holiday feast that takes you all less then fifteen minutes to consume and leaves me with two hours of cleaning up to do. Besides, I have nothing to celebrate this holiday.
Mr. Spindleleg “popped” the question last night. He did it very nicely. He asked me allow him to spend the rest of his life providing me with a home and compassion. To allow him to take me away from all the crisis and trauma of the last few months and make my life a pleasant journey of companionship, respect and peace. I was ecstatic for about five minutes, then reality set in.
I know that you and your brother and sister (actually only you and your sister, your brother still isn’t answering my calls or letters) really thought I might find happiness with Mr. Spindleleg. I did, too. However, the truth of the matter is that there are several issues that make any permanent relationship with him impossible.
First, there is the fact that he is unemployed. I don’t really think there are too many opportunities in the employment marketplace for a defrocked missionary whose only skills are speaking sixteen obscure dialect of a language only spoken in the jungles along the Amazon River. Compounded by the fact that a positive recommendation from his former employers is out of the question I have serious doubts about his ability to provide for me financially. While it’s true I stand to inherit a large sum of money from your grandfather’s estate, let me assure you, your grandfather is very much “alive and kicking” as they say.
Next, there is the problem of him wanting to move me to a tiny town in the upper regions of the northwest. Somehow, I don’t see myself dealing with large amounts of snow at my age. I also don’t think I could abandon your grandfather, or leave you children.
Then there is the problem of his intolerance with your grandfather’s actions. I realize that your grandfather can be a very aggravating man; however, his is elderly and set in his ways. He has also been extremely good to me over the years. I have never had to worry about a roof over my head (until the petition by the neighbors at any rate.) He has never complained about any expenses I have incurred for my personal needs. Nor has he ever not given me anything I said was nice (not that I wanted everything I ever thought was nice, but it’s the thought that counts.)
Your grandfather is just a culpable in this matter. He has little tolerance for Mr. Spindleleg’s “reminders” that he should act his age and picks fights with Mr. Spindleleg constantly just to watch his face turn red with frustration. He has also made some rather derogatory remarks about Mr. Spindleleg’s devotion to his religious beliefs.
While I might be able to surmount any or all of the above stated problems, the last on is insurmountable for me. Mr. Spindleleg felt that before I made a life commitment to him there were certain things I should know about him. I was totally unprepared for what he told me. So unprepared, in fact, that I asked him to repeat it a number of times just to make sure I hadn’t misunderstood what he was saying.
It seems that your grandfather’s zest for life has had a deep impact on Mr. Spindleleg. He has decided that he has missed much of life by being a missionary and that the world he deemed too carnal for him to be part of has much to offer him now.
He carefully explained that he now severely regretted his decision not to marry and have a family. However, he assured me that he had found a way to rectify the situation. He warned me it would take some adjustment of attitude on my part, but he was sure that I would come to see the wisdom of his thinking.
The gist of his plan is this. He will embrace a new religious philosophy he has heard of that includes many of his current beliefs with one very large difference. This new religion practices polygamy on a grand scale. He insisted that as his first wife, I would hold a special place in his heart and his bed, however since I am beyond child bearing he would marry six young women ( he wants a different bed partner each day for the rest of his life to make up for lost time) and father children with them.
As the oldest and most experienced, it would fall to me to teach the others their place and their duties as wives and mothers of his children. In return, I would be assured of four wonderful nights of marital bliss, and a private room, food, clothing and a small allowance to spend as I wanted.
So, it seems that my knight’s shinning armor not only has a chink in it, it’s rusted and doesn’t fit! I told him that he could stay here as long as he wanted to and that I appreciated his offer, but that I could not see my way clear to committing myself to a life long commitment under those circumstances any more than I could have the last offer of marriage I had. You remember that one don’t you? That was from the Russian who wanted to marry me so he could become a citizen and bring his wife and kids over from Russia.
About the other matter, I am afraid that I cannot agree to you moving into this house now. I realize that your sister has been privileged to live here for a long time, but I have notified her that she has to move by the first of the year. I have all I can do handling your grandfather. After this latest escapade, I fear my time will be spent finding and establishing a new home for the two of us. It is not as simple a matter as you might imagine. Your grandfather’s reputation precedes him everywhere. So far, we have been politely refused admittance to fifteen housing developments and twelve senior citizen complexes. Therefore, I fear you will have to find another answer to you dilemma of losing your lease because they don’t think it’s appropriate for you and your new band to practice at 2 AM. I would suggest that you change your practice schedule. That should not be a major problem since none of the eight of you is working at the moment.
I have to go now, I hear your grandfather demanding that Mr. Spindleleg explain why after rushing here from the Amazon and accepting our hospitality he is leaving without me as his wife. If I was smart, I let the two of them slug it out verbally, but I’m afraid your grandfather might agree with him and rescind my “privilege” of living with him.

Write soon.

Love always,
Mom

PS: If you speak to your brother, tell him the navy’s saying of “any port in a storm” is a bunch of crap and so is the naval idiot who thought is up.