Your heart’s gummed up

Your pecker’s broke

Your bladder’s leaking

And you still smoke

You pay too much

To insure your car

Your health insurance

Won’t go very far

You use too much paper

When you take a dump

You wallow in a bathtub

When you ought to hump

You can’t hear a thing

Cause your battery died

Your retirement is shot

Because the bankers lied

We know you’re too lazy

Just to cook a meal

So here’s a box of slop

With some sex appeal

BUT

I think that I know better

If you’ll give me just a day

To rewrite your commercials

In my very special way

I’d start out with the doughboy

Pillsbury’s famous baking slave

Knocking on the glass door

Inside an active microwave

I’d have that stupid AFLAC duck 

Visit Hong Chu’s Fresh Buffet

And end up on the menu as

Peiking duck today

And the Energizer Bunny

On his drumsticks would impale

As Wiley T Coyote

His pink stuffing would inhale

And that dumb ass Mr. Whipple

Would encounter Charmin’s bears

No worries about the squeezing

Simply larder for their lairs

For that smarmy little lizard Geico

Thinks will cause your heart to melt

I’d hire Crocodile Dundee

To make himself a belt

And the poor schlep missing rounds of golf

Because his bladder’s out of hand

I’d solve that simple problem

With a little rubber band

I probably could go on and on

But I think you get the tune

As the Marlboro man draws his last breath

While spitting at the moon

Copyright 2009 Patrick Granfors