This is a true story that happened about six years ago. I wanted to write it down but just couldn't until now. Surely hope it doesn't gross y'all out.

Joe was in the Peace Corp,
my son of twenty-seven years.
He was far away in Ukraine
and mom was reduced to tears.

So after the first year was finished,
We discussed it over dinner.
Then we hopped on a plane
and our dear Joe met us in Vienna.

We hugged Joe tight,
it felt so right to be with our boy again.
He whisked us away in a speedy taxi.
Our adventures were about to begin.

We saw this and we saw that
and rode the dirty subway.
Foreign languages confused my ears
and the smells were with us each day.

We found a place in Budapest.
A castle that gave me a shiver.
We had a room as big as a house
that looked out on the Blue Danube River.

We walked and we hiked over Budapest
‘til my back had knots and kinks.
I collapsed in the castle and dreamed of home
while the guys went out for drinks.

Joe decided a day spa would be a nice treat.
We’d get greased and massaged and whirl-pooled.
It sounded delightful, I couldn’t wait
The place was opulent and jeweled.

So I went one way, the guys went another.
I was bombarded by naked boobs.
A gigantic woman said, “He-ah, go douche!”
while she handed me a towel and tube.

Now, douche can mean one thing
and then another and even another, I guess.
So I used it the way Americans do
then went out to be gently caressed.

The massage room made me tremble with fear.
Women were laid out on metal
They were kneaded and beaten by massive females
and they weren’t gonna touch this “Gretal”

So I wandered among men and women
in every manner of undress
I didn’t know what to do with myself
so I started to cry, what a mess!

I sat and cried and not one person knew
a single word I said.
I was lost in a country where nobody cared
and I couldn’t find Joe and Ed.

Finally they found me rolled up in a ball
and wondered what on earth was wrong.
They had a wonderful time, they said.
That’s why they stayed so long.

We packed up that night and got on a train
and I began to burn with pain.
I knew I was sick, my bladder hurt,
I wanted to go back on a plane.

Joe asked me, “Mom, what did you do
in that spa that made you feel so bad?”
“Well they gave me this stuff in a tube, you see...”
“NO, you didn’t! No, you couldn’t have!”

“Douche means soap, oh my gosh, oh no!
You were supposed to take a shower!”
My mouth hung open, what had I done?
I’d be hurtin’ for certain for hours!

The very next day, we toured Vienna.
I walked with an unusual stride.
There was no cure and no relief
in that city of three billion and five.

Time heals all and I finally got better
and everyone wanted to know
all about our experiences and what I got.
I got something that I’ll never show.