The picture above, of a book, by Herb Kavet...

[NOT MY WORK, but I felt comedy was needed herein this evening...hope you all have a good laugh!]

Turnin’ Fifty…

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife, (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with
my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress......

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess-with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to
her in her Lycra aerobic outfit.

I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics
class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I
did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the
whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.> Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then she put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was
impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she
scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt
when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why
the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me getting shape and
enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

Thursday:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half
an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work
out with dumbbells. When she was not
looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then,
as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!.*.
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you
learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude
from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or
the choir director?

Saturday:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want
to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.

Sunday:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife
(the witch) will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a
vasectomy.

(Again, NOT MY WORK, wish I could say it was, just wanted to inject some comedy into an otherwise dull evening, I hope you all got a laugh!>)